open ended closure

I am so utterly exhausted by being upset over CK.  I let go.  I let go of all of it.  I am not going to get the apology I need from him.  I am not going to find the closure I need in worrying about it, or being angry, or rehashing all the things I want t say to him. It's mild, but it's still the worst kind of obsessive thinking.  It's the stuff that leads to depression and I'm not having any of it.  I'm just letting it all go.

I'm sorry, CK, that I couldn't be there for you in the way you needed.  I'm sorry I couldn't make you understand what I wanted from you. I'm not sorry I loved you, I do not regret the time we spent together.  I don't know if I am better person for it all, but I am changed, and yet still more myself.  I hope you find peace.  I hope you can forgive yourself. I hope you can find happiness.  I'm sorry you didn't love me the way I wanted, but I'll find that somewhere.  Goodbye.

Now if only I had some of his stuff.  I'd totally go ritually burn it in the yard.  Instead I can only block his email addresses and cut him out of all my internet networking programs.  If he really has something to say to me, he can call me.

Now I think I'll go cry in my room and listen to Lucinda Williams endlessly.  Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better for the letting go.  Right now I just feel sad.