same stuff, different day

Last night, hmm, I was going to say interesting, but it was better than that, though weirder.  DK came to visit me at the bar (yay for friends made through Vox!), it was very slow a perfect night for her to come out (except the music could have been better).  However mere minutes before she walked in HMP came in, so I got off early, sat down between them at the bar and drank with them. DK was great, funny, charming and cute as I would have expected.  HMP was his usual self which is a strange mix of charming, funny, moronically stupid, vaguely clueless, quite curious and somewhat sweet. HMP and I left sometime before 11 and went to another bar where he was oddly interested in me.  We had a conversation throughout which he was very earnest and seemingly genuine.  It turned to people problems they make for themselves or issues and baggage they bring from their past, and I asked him, basically, "so, if you're so smart and can read people, what are my problems?"  And he said, quite seriously, "you don't really have any problems."  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  After some discussion we agreed that I had problems, but owned them and was so straight forward about things that they didn't, at least initially appear to be problems.

I recently had a similar conversation with FF, in which she said that with most people, when they were insecure, you could usually see why, but with me I always seemed so together and smart and funny and attractive that it never made sense to her why I'd be insecure.  It's interesting because I feel so raw and exposed about my perceived shortcomings and my own issues, and yet apparently I do an excellent job of concealing them.  I wish could get a better picture of how other people see me, you know?

Anyway, after the bars, HMP and went back to my house, ostensibly to watch a movie.  Yeah that lasted about 15 minutes before he was all over me.  We had dirty, rough sex, then we had really sort of sweet, slow sex during which he kept telling me how beautiful I am and sort of clutching me against him in a vaguely possessive way. Then he didn't let go of me all night, which was kind of nice, but also sort of annoying.  I find I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole this morning.  Like the sex was good.  I liked hanging out with him yesterday, but I really am feeling like the situation has completely reversed itself from last year, where now I am only interested in him essentially for entertainment and I feel like maybe he's pushing for more.  I might be wrong perceiving the situation, but it just feels a little unbalanced, again, but not at all the way it did before.  I feel vaguely guilty for saying that he's okay for comfort until something better comes along, but that's pretty much how I feel right now.