sick and sad

Do you guys remember CMB? Well he came into the bar last night for the first time in months.  As he was coming in, someone he knew was going out, and while CMB clearly was trying to initiate conversation with me, his friend waylaid him just long enough for me to get really busy.  10 minutes later when I had a second, CMB was gone, gone, gone.  He managed to say hi, wish me a happy Valentine's Day, and look like he had something else to say and that was it.  Boo.  I don't even want to date him.  Last night in my feverish state I was amusing (or at least occupying) myself, b thinking about what would happen if I told him that I thought we had a connection, but I didn't want to do more than sex him, and then maybe, whatever, we'd see where it went.  There's surely very few guys that would object to this.  I'd never do it though, well never with CMB, other guys maybe. Anyway, I don't think I'm even making sense.  I'm utterly sleep deprived.

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Last night I was so miserable, feverish, congested, exhausted, alone.  I guess I could have woken up FF or one of my other friends and had them go to the all-night pharmacy for me, but I didn't.  Instead I laid in bed and thought about how being sick is the most miserable and lonely part of being single.  About how, though we had our problems, my ex-husband would have gotten up and dressed in the middle of the night and gone to the store to get something to make me feel better. Which since I couldn't sleep led me to wonder how, nine years after we divorced, he could still even cross my mind.  And I remembered that I dreamt about him the other night. A dream in which he was remodeling his house with all these amazing skylight filled rooms and suddenly I found myself outside his house, admiring the remodel and how he'd made it look like a fairytale castle but I couldn't get inside, I could only appreciate it from the outside, while my ex-husband and his new family were inside. I'd just like to give my brain a big, F- You for that bit of sleep psychology. Ugh.

Despite all that I feel okay today, I mean still hideously sick, but not really miserable.