I haven't been posting much because every time I sit down to write something I find pretty much all I want to do about how lame the long distance relationship thing is. And man, that's not interesting to anyone, not even me at my most self-involved. So here's a couple bright lights in the dimness of the distance thing.
I was a little whiny to CK the other night as our schedules haven't been matching up and we haven't been able to talk as much recently. Since then he's been making a clearly concerted effort to call me at random times (when he's waiting for his train etc.) just to say hi and see how I am. I know he's doing it because I was whiny, but I really appreciate that he makes the effort. I don't know that I've dated many guys who would bother. They'd just say, "Sorry I'm busy, we'll talk when we can," but CK makes 'when we can' an actual thing.
Yesterday we had a conversation where he initially misunderstood where I said I was, once clarified he said, "Oh, didn't think you had any aptitude for handguns." I laughed, "Hey, I could have secrets!" He paused and then said, "No, not really," in this really sweet way that makes me feel like he's really been paying attention to me. Like not just in that moment, but over all. And even if he isn't, he's really good at making me feel that way. Making me feel it in a way where I don't feel like he's intentionally charming me or trying to convince me that he's doing something that he's not. He's genuinely interested in me, in what I have to say, he is paying attention and even when he's not he manages to convey his unconditional but not always focused interest in a way that makes me feel valued.
I came home from the dreaded day job early yesterday. Put in about 4 hours working on other stuff. Emailed my closest friends and complained about how utterly tired I am. Then I went to the restaurant.
It was a sort of writer's night and one of the girls playing managed to invited everyone she's ever met. Leaving my bar filled with a normal, slightly busy Tuesday crowd plus about 40-50 college age kids from Hendersonville (in a room that comfortably holds maybe 75 people). Mostly preppy suburban kids and a handful of middle class suburban kids pretending to be urban (by which I mean, hey middle class white girl, you are not in hip-hop video, give it up already). So the place was jam-packed, I didn't get out of there until 11:30. I was already tired before I went in. I came home and fell into bed. Barely managed to get my make-up off. I was gross and sticky (the air wasn't on in the restaurant and the bizarre warm temps and all the people meant it was about 90°F in the restaurant) but couldn't be bothered to shower.
After all that, of course this is the morning they start jackhammering next door at 6:32 am. My first thought was, "Are you kidding me?" My second was to burst into tears.
Now I am at work, all jacked up on coffee and sugar. I am skipping this afternoon's pointless meeting to take a nap. I have a bunch of work to do (both in the office and at home), but I am going to bypass it in favor of my own sanity.
Also, despite the sleep dep and lack of make-up, I look really cute today which is entirely wasted on this office.
Last night, after work, I texted CK, saying that today sucked, especially since he was probably already asleep and I was just getting home and never got to talk to him yesterday. He replied that he was mostly asleep but awake enough to miss me a lot. Which was simultaneously very sweet and sort of heartbreaking, since I was laying there wishing I could curl up against him after a day like that. I have mentioned 2,379,864 times before that the distance thing is hard. Harder still I think now that CK is clearly as committed as I am and we both want this to work as serious, long-term thing, however, there is no end in sight to the long distance part. I'm fairly certain I'm not moving to his city, at least not any time soon. He's not at all interested in living in Nashville. Honestly, the only hope is for us to maintain residences in both places and fly a lot. I guess I better start buying lottery tickets.
I'm tired. I need a real vacation. I need my bills paid. I want my boyfriend. I want a nap.
Next up in complaint land, how to deal with my mother's holiday visit without completely losing my mind before she even gets here.
Last night I had a night off from the restaurant. Yet still I worked 14 hours yesterday. And still I've a few hours worth of tasks I need to catch up on. Of course who knows when I'll manage that as I'm at both jobs for the next four days. All this and still barely making ends meet.
Remember how I said my job satisfaction was plummeting with my day job? Well, apparently the bad director is stepping down. Sometime in the next year. Not soon enough. In the meantime they laid off the only person I genuinely liked in the office. Indeed the only person who was holding the organization together in any kind of competent way. They are not replacing him. Instead the already overtaxed, inept bad director is going to be taking over all the tasks. Maybe. They don't actually have a plan. And finally, in January they are moving the office to a new location that I find objectionable, both for commute time and for my own personal, moral reasons.
I can not continue to work here. Partly because the place is clearly going to fall into ruin and drag me down with it under a huge burden of work I wasn't hired to do and am not being adequately compensated for. But also I've hit the point where I go on autopilot every morning and come into work without thinking at all, because if I dwell on it, I burst into tears and no one needs that first thing in the morning.
I don't know what to do. "Find a new job as fast possible," is the obvious answer, but that easier said than done in the two weeks before Xmas or right around the new year. I have some idea of what I want to do, or where I want to be, but no idea how to go about getting into those positions.
Part of the problem is that I'm inadequately experienced for this city. I've either way, WAY overqualified for jobs I'd want, which then don't pay enough, or I can get jobs that I'm actually a little underqualified for (for lack of better candidate pool) and be paid well, but then I'd be working more than I am now and I'm already drowning.
I'm really, very smart. I have a very broad range of work experience. I'm good at most every thing I put my mind too. I have excellent references. Why can't I seem to find myself in a satisfactory work position? My mom says I'm sabotaging myself. But I think that's only because I don't want the kind of jobs she thinks I should have.
I need more money. I can't work any harder than I already am, there simply aren't enough hours in the day. I can't figure out how to get someplace better, there just isn't time to devote to that. I'm not above asking for help, but I don't really even know who to ask. I feel stuck. Really, really stuck.
I had a nice visit with CK a week back. It was rollercoastery, as he was all over, I ended up driving to Huntsville to bring him back a day early (but more time with him, YAY!), I had to work a lot and so on. But he took to meet, well, basically his adopted brother and sister-in-law. Which was a little stressful for me, but he really relaxed and enjoyed himself and I really appreciate what he was trying to do (let me more into his life). We had another long hard conversation about the long distance thing being hard and I held fast that he could break up with me because he wanted someone else, but not just because this was hard.
Since his visit he's different. Good different. The best I can describe it is to say that he is onboard with the good boyfriend program. Which is excellent, because after our last talk, after I took him to the airport, I was thinking about it a lot and I realized that I am way more invested in making this work than I initially realized. I'm wary of talking love, but I am most definitely wholly committed ot making this work in way I haven't been in any of my previous relationships. However, I can't pinpoint exactly why. I do know that at this point what I really want in a long-term relationship is someone who will continually challenge me to be better, but will also love me unconditionally no matter what I do and whether I succeed or fail. I don't believe in life-long soulmates, or the choir of angels when you finally meet the right person. I think you have to work at it no matter what (which is why arranged marriages often work, because the people are committed and making the best of it). Of course, I want fireworks, romance, tenderness and hot sex. But honestly, those things haven't been so hard for me to find, it's the guy willing to stick to it through thick and thin, who is also someone I can see myself growing old with, some one who balances me by having knowledge and experience different than my own, but similar enough that we fully understand each other. So far CK seems to be this person. I don't if it will last, if it will work out, but for now, even from a far, I feel cared for and looked after in a way I never have before.
During his visit, with no prompting from me, CK also made an effort to smooth over his previous jerkiness to FF (although he wants nothing to do with UN ever again, luckily she was out of town for his whole visit). He took me to meet his friends and family and talked more openly with me than he had previously. I have to say, when I'm with him I feel more calm and able to be completely myself than I ever have with anyone else, except maybe my first husband (and even then not until a year or two into it). I"m pretty much totally smitten at this point.
Overall, I'm feeling positive and happy and excited about the future except for in my day job which I'll post about later, full of expletives and negativity, but it's not forever, so it's not affecting my long term joy, just the hours I'm there or worrying about it. And I guess the same is true for the UN situation, but what's going to to happen with that remains to be seen.
I just got an email from a friend I interact with a few times a year. She randomly emailed me to tell me something cute about her new boyfriend. I responded as was required of me. And then she replied just gushing about the guy, his washboard abs, how his skin feels, how he tastes when she kisses him, what his voice and his hands are like. And wow, yuck. I can not think of anyone I would really gush like that too. I mean, I understand the feeling. And maybe a close friend, very close friend, might hear something similar from me. But I think it would be more along the, "he is awesome" line and less of the intimate details line.
Also it's sort of surprising that anyone who knows me would choose me to gush too. She must be really over the edge and telling everyone this stuff, if she's telling me.
And I have PMS and hate the whole world. So maybe she wasn't out of line at all. :)
I love my mom. More, in fact, than anyone else in the world. Which I guess at my age I should have a husband or a kid or something that have become primary for me. But I don't and so my mom is still number one. I'm sure there's some psychological problem with this, eternal adolescence or something, as I haven't properly developed adult relationships or something. Or maybe it's normal and fine I don't know. In any case, my mom is aces. Unfortunately my relationship with her, need for her approval, etc. means that no one else can as easily as she can. And vis versa. Lately we're just reciprocating ball of misery, feeding off each other.
I called her last night, just to check in, chat, make plans. My mom, dad and sister coming down here for a week at Christmas. My sister has visited, but my parents never have. Though it's never been explicitly said my mother has refused to set foot in Tennessee because as far as she's concerned the whole state stole me away and she wants nothing to do with it. While I know she thinks this, and it's very obvious, she thinks she's cleverly hiding her feelings and making it easy on us all, instead of more awkward and painful. Last night's phone call turned to:
Me: So, we've got 7 days, what kind of things do you all want to do while you're here?
Momma: Convince you to move back home.
Me: We'll if we're going to spend 7 full days doing that, I don't think anyone will have any fun.
Momma: Sorry, I didn't mean that. Well, I did, but that's the only time you'll ever hear me say it. [She says that every time, that's the only time I'll hear her say it.]
Me: It's okay, I miss you too.
Momma: You don't need to worry about our visit, I'm fine just sitting in the hotel room and reading a book.
Me: Well, the city does have some things to offer.
Momma: I guess I'd like to see the university campuses and other pretty places to walk...
And so on, we made plans for museums and some other stuff. But now it's like there's this shadow over their whole visit. I was all ready to show them all the great things about Nashville, and make them see it through my eyes and love it. So at least they'd understand a little why I am here. But now it feela like the whole thing is stacked against me, and she won't even quit being sad/mad about me moving long enough to try and appreciate this place at all.
The only thing I have back out west is my family. And I love them, but a grown girl can't stay some place forever, just so she can be close by when her mom calls, you know?
---
IRB came into the restaurant the other night.
Once when we were dating he told me that no woman in the world was as perfect as his sister. And that he'd probably only get married again if he found a girl just like his sister.
I'm sure it's okay to to think things like that, as long as you don't say them out loud or act on them or anything. Anyway, he came into the restaurant with a girl that I thought was his sister. She looked like his sister. I set a waitress to them and tried to avoid that part of the restaurant. The waitress came back and told IRB and the girl were holding hands. "Are you sure it's his sister?" She asked. Not 100% no, but even it's not, YIKES, he's dating a girl that looks enough like his sister that it fooled me? EW.
As they left the girl glared and scowled at me, though she'd smiled when they came in. I suspect she found out some time during dinner that he used to date me. Hey girl, don't glare at me. Glare at him. He should have picked some place else for dinner, he knew I'd be here.
When I was last visiting him, CK took me out. We went to a musical, opening night, and the cast party afterwards. (I brought a friend for the show, since he was in the band.) I was all dressed up and feeling lovely. After the party we walked down the street past his friend's coffee shop which was closed, though his friend was inside and let us in, gave us drinks and let us hang out until he was done closing up. Then we caught a cab home, got ice cream and watched a movie. It was both at the time and in retrospect a perfect evening. Sitting in the dark coffee shop, in my fancy party clothes, holding hands and talking felt like a scene from a movie.
I detailed our Saturday date when he was last here: a long, leisurely stroll through the insanity of the Opryland hotel and it's weird indoor gardens, watching the WSM midnight jamboree show live, late night at a Waffle House. Again, lots of hand holding, talking and just enjoying being where we were.
Both were such simple evenings, casual to a point and very relaxing. I find I'm a little surprised at how fondly I remember them and how often, when I'm thinking about him, that I flash back on to specific moments in those evenings.
It is cold here now. There is no pretty boy in my bed to warm my toes. It is only ten days until I see him again and yet it feel like forever. It almost seems worse to have a day to count down too, instead of just a vague hope I'll see him. No, that isn't true. Just the whole waiting thing is so hard. I am not yet entirely convinced I'll be able to weather this as a long distance relationship. Not because it isn't worth it, as so far it does seem to be, but rather it seems such an added burden of suffering. No, it balances out. It really does. I'm just feeling whiny. As I said, it is cold. I will go do some work and then maybe clean my room or watch TV for a while. Read a book. Work on a craft project. Get ready for bed and get into it alone. CK will call, we will talk until one of us absolutely has to go to sleep. I will fall asleep alternately happy from talking to him and sad that he isn't here with me.
It stormed like crazy tonight. Nothing was safe from the water, the wind sent the rain horizontal. Everything on the porch is wet. I got caught out in it and came in soaked to the skin.
Now I'm dry and warm, bundled up in bed listening to my iPod which is giving me nothing but an endless stream of sad songs. This might be because I listen mostly to sad music? I don't know. I'm sure I listen to happy music too, it just doesn't seem to be coming up on shuffle tonight.
I don't know if I was lonely before the string of sad songs, or if it's an outcome of that. I hate CK being so far away. Seriously I don't know if I can do this. I just want to curl up with him tonight, we wouldn't even have to talk, but it's not a choice I have.
I need to call my mom, but I keep putting it off. I might feel better if I talk to her. I might feel worse. I can't if the positive possibility is worth the risk of calling. 50% chance I'll get off the phone and just be horribly guilty for moving so far away and homesick too. I don't know if I could take that on a night like this.
Is it High Fidelity where the protagonist asks which came first the pop song or the feeling of it? I feel like that now. So many sad country songs I can't help but wonder if I'd be cheerful on a stormy fall night, all alone, if I listened only to polka music or something? Well, maybe not polka specifically, because that would make anyone suicidal, but you get the point.
I have gotten a lot of work done in the last couple days. Not as much as I'd like, but I'm trying to remind myself that I can only do so much, that it's okay to spend part of the evening watching Heroes (even if it is sucking this season), that I am accomplishing things, and I can't rush things because it doesn't make more get done. I've been trying to set small goals for myself, in 10 and 30 day increments (well I start with 10 and hope to make it to 30). I think the next will be to spend 30 minutes a day meditating. I'll go easy and include walking alone in the park etc. anytime I'm alone, undistracted and thinking. I have been so out of practice that I think I need to go back and start contemplating the Four Noble Truths that Buddha gained understanding of when he sat beneath the bodhi tree:
- Nothing lasts forever
- Suffering comes from attachment and desire
- The end of suffering is attainable
- Through living by the Noble Eightfold path (which is basically speaking, acting and thinking in a right or morally correct way).
I didn't mean for this to turn into a lesson, but now I'm thinking about it. Because the meditative aspects of Buddhism have always worked for me int the past, particularly my personal understand of that the Eightfold Path means and how to follow it. Actual serious Buddhist practice is beyond me. I was raised with it and I can't commit to the five basic precepts (essentially vegetarianism, abstinence from intoxicants, no lying, stealing or killing, no rape or sexual violence--obviously it's only the first two that trip me up, the rest are fairly easy for me and, hopefully, most people). I have never been able to commit myself in the way necessary to follow the closest thing I have to religion. I suppose I should start by meditating on why that is. Ha! Um, I find that really funny. The whole thing is so circular.
I had a point? Oh, yes, regular meditation. I find just keeping this blog has made me much more introspective than I have been in recent months and that's helpful, but perhaps I need to go a little deeper. I often think of myself as the loneliest girl around, or the loneliest one in a crowd. I need to let go of whatever makes me feel that way. I just can't ever seem to slow down enough to think deeply enough to find the release switch to drop whatever I'm clinging to that makes me feel so empty.
Holy shit, man, I'm seriously contemplating not posting this at all. How did I end up talking about all this anyway?
I didn't do much in the way of Halloween. Worked last night and it was pretty slow, but not bad. The music was great and a guy I know came in as I was getting off shift. He tours with a pretty popular band and has been out on the road for a while. He was chatty and sometimes I forget what a great guy he is. So we ended up talking for a couple hours, I bitched a lot about work and got kind of an awesome lead on that front. I'm not going to comment on it because I am superstitious about some strange things, but if you have any prayers, good thoughts or your own good luck to spare, please send it my way! Plus it was just a nice mellow night hanging out in good company, which is always awesome.
It seems like a good portion of my adult life has been me sitting up every couple years and saying, "man, I really don't like my job, how can I get myself into something I really want to be doing and enjoy?" I do believe I get a little bit closer with each career step, but it's slow going. Slowed also by the fact that what I really want to be doing changes every few years as well. I'm hindered as well by financial concerns, in a sort of you need money to make money kind of way. Can't get my own ventures off the ground without capital. Alas.
Mostly though, the problem is that I'm waiting for whatever the right thing is going to be. Like literally waiting for someone to show up and say, "hey, we've been looking for someone with your skill set to come do X thing that you've never even thought of before." This isn't as lazy as it sounds. I have been actively positioning myself around people in fields I want to work in and meeting people and discovering the existence of many jobs I'd never even considered the existence of. I'm sure there's something out there for me that is a great fit that I haven't yet stumbled across.
Also, I'm willing to do pretty much anything for money, though that doesn't always work out for me. The chairman of our board at my day job is a guy I should see him almost never, however he's old, retired and bored and so he's in the office at least three days a week, calls me every day (some times up to 7 or 8 times) to see what's going on and generally makes me insane. He's very nice, sweet, and all but incredibly annoying and generally not helpful. (Like today he came in a left me a stack of letters to mail, which he printed at home, so now I have retype all the addresses for the envelopes. ARG.)
Anyway, he's been writing a book, that he's self publishing and the publisher wants it copy edited. He called me at work at the restaurant (since I won't give him my cell number) to ask if I'd help with this. I said I'd look at the draft and give him a quote for it. He bugged me every single day for two weeks about it, I repeatedly replied that my actual job was keeping me busy, but I'd get him a time estimate and hourly rate quote as soon as I could. I finally got around to looking at it the other night, emailed him a quote with a really reduced rate per hour for copy editing. (Most folks charge between $40-50 per hour for copy editing--not just proofing but actual hard copy, printer's marks copy editing, which is what he wanted--I offered him $20/hr.) So I send him my estimated hours, amount per/hr, total etc. And he writes back and tells me he's already over budget for this VANITY project and can't pay for copy-editing, but thanks anyway.
Um, WTF? I mean, I was very clear upfront and the whole way through that I charged for this kind of work. I have literally no time to do it out of the kindness of my heart. I don't really even have time to do it period, but I'd make time for the money, you know? I'm just really irritated that he spent so much time bothering me, to tell me, in not so many words, that he wanted me to do it for free. This instance aside, the guy is making my job satisfaction plummet. Not only do I have to micromanage the director, who does not take advice well, but now I have to babysit the Board Chair, both on and off the job. Lovely.
As I said, prayers, vibes, whatever, toward me climbing out of at least my work mess would be so much appreciated.
I picked CK up Wednesday afternoon, we went downtown, ran some rather touristy errands he wanted to get out of the way (t-shirts for friends, etc.), then we hung out in the peace and quiet if my house for a while before I had to go to work at the restaurant. CK came up later and spent the evening talking music with my boss until I was done with my shift. Then we had a nice, if late, night together.
Thursday morning I worked, while CK did his own work from the house. Hearing he was in town, a friend offered him a gig Saturday night, so we went to buy guitar strings, did some of my errands, went clothes shopping and he took me out for Mexican. Thursday night was a work event for me from the day job, and CK came along, which was nice of him, since I don't think it was super fun for anyone. Though we spent several hours snuggled up on the couch beforehand, so the day seemed pretty joyous overall.
Friday I didn't have to work in the morning, but the day was rainy and grey and chill, so we spent a good portion of it in bed (yeah, like that, but also drinking coffee and reading and chatting). Friday night, I worked, CK came up with a friend of his who recently moved here and they had dinner, then I met up with them later to see a bluegrass jam downtown.
Saturday was grey and chill again so the morning was spent again in bed with many cups of hot coffee and lots of talking. Then we went for the best burgers in town, which he likes burgers and agreed these were great. I get an odd satisfaction of taking people places to eat that they really like. Then CK had to get ready to play his gig, and I had to go to work too. Both our commitments ended about the same time, so we headed off into dream date land.
See I have three requirements for a serious relationship (well many others too, but these are strangely the foremost ones). Basically I've said I won't get seriously involved with someone unless they live up to these three things. Number one, take me on a date to the Opryland hotel. Sure it's a ludicrous place, but I love the scale of it's absurdity and the Garden Conservatory room is one of my favorite places.
So CK takes me to the Opryland hotel, not with any foreknowledge of my wanting to go, rather it was mostly a way to kill time until the next thing. We walked around a bunch, sat on bench under the little waterfall for an hour talking. During which I think CK realized what a good choice he'd made, as he looked at me and said, "This is the most relaxed I've seen you look since I got here." It was lovely and romantic and sweet all around, holding hands, walking around and making fun of all the touristy stuff. :)
After that we headed off to watch the WSM radio broadcast of the Ernest Tubb Midnite Jamboree, thus fulfilling one of CK's childhood dreams. Which was fun (and I'll probably go back next week, even with CK, because Ralph Stanley is hosting). Afterwards we went to the Waffle House (where else do you go at 2 am?) and got our meal comped because it took them too long to bring our check. So in the end not only was it a great date, but like the cheapest one ever (as the WSM show and the hotel walk were also free).
Sunday morning was too short, we slept late after our late night and didn't have time for much more than coffee and breakfast, getting ready to go to the airport and quick trip to the cemetery so CK could leave flowers for a friend). Dropped CK off and headed home, trying not to cry, only to have him call me when I was halfway home to say there was a problem and he wouldn't be leaving until Monday. So back to the airport I went. We went for coffee, sat out in the sun, ran into a few friends of mine from the neighborhood, and then went back to my house to an impromptu dinner party (which didn't exactly go swimmingly).
Monday was also nice, I took the day off work and we went and walked around in the sun and again spent a while hanging around the local coffee shop before we headed off to the airport. I spent most of Monday afternoon busying myself with little things that needed doing around the house and such so as to distract myself from his absence.
Overall it was pretty nice visit. I mean he got to do lots of things he wanted, saw people he wanted and I think had a nice time, despite the discomfort in my house. We spent a lot of time talking. He listened to all my bitches about work without judgmentally telling me I needed to be doing something else. Though later under cover of other conversation, he actively encouraged me to find ways to do the things I want to be doing and offered any help he could give (at least what help he could give at this point, without entwining our affairs too much, should this all not turn out to be what we both hope it will--I do find we are both being very cautious about this, I guess that comes with age and experience?). CK was also clearly worried that I'm stretching myself too thin currently, not just with work but with everything. It was clear he didn't want to add to the problem, and didn't have a lot of solutions to offer, but it was nice to have him observant of it. It was also nice to be told that I looked good. And not in that way where you get dressed and ready to go and the guy says, "You look great, let's go!" but later in the day or evening when you're off doing something or out with other folks and he leans over and whispers in your ear, "You look amazing/lovely/beautiful/happy/whatever," which always feels more meaningful, like not just a compliment for the sake of one.
