I haven't been posting much because every time I sit down to write something I find pretty much all I want to do about how lame the long distance relationship thing is. And man, that's not interesting to anyone, not even me at my most self-involved. So here's a couple bright lights in the dimness of the distance thing.
I was a little whiny to CK the other night as our schedules haven't been matching up and we haven't been able to talk as much recently. Since then he's been making a clearly concerted effort to call me at random times (when he's waiting for his train etc.) just to say hi and see how I am. I know he's doing it because I was whiny, but I really appreciate that he makes the effort. I don't know that I've dated many guys who would bother. They'd just say, "Sorry I'm busy, we'll talk when we can," but CK makes 'when we can' an actual thing.
Yesterday we had a conversation where he initially misunderstood where I said I was, once clarified he said, "Oh, didn't think you had any aptitude for handguns." I laughed, "Hey, I could have secrets!" He paused and then said, "No, not really," in this really sweet way that makes me feel like he's really been paying attention to me. Like not just in that moment, but over all. And even if he isn't, he's really good at making me feel that way. Making me feel it in a way where I don't feel like he's intentionally charming me or trying to convince me that he's doing something that he's not. He's genuinely interested in me, in what I have to say, he is paying attention and even when he's not he manages to convey his unconditional but not always focused interest in a way that makes me feel valued.
I came home from the dreaded day job early yesterday. Put in about 4 hours working on other stuff. Emailed my closest friends and complained about how utterly tired I am. Then I went to the restaurant.
It was a sort of writer's night and one of the girls playing managed to invited everyone she's ever met. Leaving my bar filled with a normal, slightly busy Tuesday crowd plus about 40-50 college age kids from Hendersonville (in a room that comfortably holds maybe 75 people). Mostly preppy suburban kids and a handful of middle class suburban kids pretending to be urban (by which I mean, hey middle class white girl, you are not in hip-hop video, give it up already). So the place was jam-packed, I didn't get out of there until 11:30. I was already tired before I went in. I came home and fell into bed. Barely managed to get my make-up off. I was gross and sticky (the air wasn't on in the restaurant and the bizarre warm temps and all the people meant it was about 90°F in the restaurant) but couldn't be bothered to shower.
After all that, of course this is the morning they start jackhammering next door at 6:32 am. My first thought was, "Are you kidding me?" My second was to burst into tears.
Now I am at work, all jacked up on coffee and sugar. I am skipping this afternoon's pointless meeting to take a nap. I have a bunch of work to do (both in the office and at home), but I am going to bypass it in favor of my own sanity.
Also, despite the sleep dep and lack of make-up, I look really cute today which is entirely wasted on this office.
Last night, after work, I texted CK, saying that today sucked, especially since he was probably already asleep and I was just getting home and never got to talk to him yesterday. He replied that he was mostly asleep but awake enough to miss me a lot. Which was simultaneously very sweet and sort of heartbreaking, since I was laying there wishing I could curl up against him after a day like that. I have mentioned 2,379,864 times before that the distance thing is hard. Harder still I think now that CK is clearly as committed as I am and we both want this to work as serious, long-term thing, however, there is no end in sight to the long distance part. I'm fairly certain I'm not moving to his city, at least not any time soon. He's not at all interested in living in Nashville. Honestly, the only hope is for us to maintain residences in both places and fly a lot. I guess I better start buying lottery tickets.
I'm tired. I need a real vacation. I need my bills paid. I want my boyfriend. I want a nap.
Next up in complaint land, how to deal with my mother's holiday visit without completely losing my mind before she even gets here.
Last night I had a night off from the restaurant. Yet still I worked 14 hours yesterday. And still I've a few hours worth of tasks I need to catch up on. Of course who knows when I'll manage that as I'm at both jobs for the next four days. All this and still barely making ends meet.
Remember how I said my job satisfaction was plummeting with my day job? Well, apparently the bad director is stepping down. Sometime in the next year. Not soon enough. In the meantime they laid off the only person I genuinely liked in the office. Indeed the only person who was holding the organization together in any kind of competent way. They are not replacing him. Instead the already overtaxed, inept bad director is going to be taking over all the tasks. Maybe. They don't actually have a plan. And finally, in January they are moving the office to a new location that I find objectionable, both for commute time and for my own personal, moral reasons.
I can not continue to work here. Partly because the place is clearly going to fall into ruin and drag me down with it under a huge burden of work I wasn't hired to do and am not being adequately compensated for. But also I've hit the point where I go on autopilot every morning and come into work without thinking at all, because if I dwell on it, I burst into tears and no one needs that first thing in the morning.
I don't know what to do. "Find a new job as fast possible," is the obvious answer, but that easier said than done in the two weeks before Xmas or right around the new year. I have some idea of what I want to do, or where I want to be, but no idea how to go about getting into those positions.
Part of the problem is that I'm inadequately experienced for this city. I've either way, WAY overqualified for jobs I'd want, which then don't pay enough, or I can get jobs that I'm actually a little underqualified for (for lack of better candidate pool) and be paid well, but then I'd be working more than I am now and I'm already drowning.
I'm really, very smart. I have a very broad range of work experience. I'm good at most every thing I put my mind too. I have excellent references. Why can't I seem to find myself in a satisfactory work position? My mom says I'm sabotaging myself. But I think that's only because I don't want the kind of jobs she thinks I should have.
I need more money. I can't work any harder than I already am, there simply aren't enough hours in the day. I can't figure out how to get someplace better, there just isn't time to devote to that. I'm not above asking for help, but I don't really even know who to ask. I feel stuck. Really, really stuck.
I had a nice visit with CK a week back. It was rollercoastery, as he was all over, I ended up driving to Huntsville to bring him back a day early (but more time with him, YAY!), I had to work a lot and so on. But he took to meet, well, basically his adopted brother and sister-in-law. Which was a little stressful for me, but he really relaxed and enjoyed himself and I really appreciate what he was trying to do (let me more into his life). We had another long hard conversation about the long distance thing being hard and I held fast that he could break up with me because he wanted someone else, but not just because this was hard.
Since his visit he's different. Good different. The best I can describe it is to say that he is onboard with the good boyfriend program. Which is excellent, because after our last talk, after I took him to the airport, I was thinking about it a lot and I realized that I am way more invested in making this work than I initially realized. I'm wary of talking love, but I am most definitely wholly committed ot making this work in way I haven't been in any of my previous relationships. However, I can't pinpoint exactly why. I do know that at this point what I really want in a long-term relationship is someone who will continually challenge me to be better, but will also love me unconditionally no matter what I do and whether I succeed or fail. I don't believe in life-long soulmates, or the choir of angels when you finally meet the right person. I think you have to work at it no matter what (which is why arranged marriages often work, because the people are committed and making the best of it). Of course, I want fireworks, romance, tenderness and hot sex. But honestly, those things haven't been so hard for me to find, it's the guy willing to stick to it through thick and thin, who is also someone I can see myself growing old with, some one who balances me by having knowledge and experience different than my own, but similar enough that we fully understand each other. So far CK seems to be this person. I don't if it will last, if it will work out, but for now, even from a far, I feel cared for and looked after in a way I never have before.
During his visit, with no prompting from me, CK also made an effort to smooth over his previous jerkiness to FF (although he wants nothing to do with UN ever again, luckily she was out of town for his whole visit). He took me to meet his friends and family and talked more openly with me than he had previously. I have to say, when I'm with him I feel more calm and able to be completely myself than I ever have with anyone else, except maybe my first husband (and even then not until a year or two into it). I"m pretty much totally smitten at this point.
Overall, I'm feeling positive and happy and excited about the future except for in my day job which I'll post about later, full of expletives and negativity, but it's not forever, so it's not affecting my long term joy, just the hours I'm there or worrying about it. And I guess the same is true for the UN situation, but what's going to to happen with that remains to be seen.
