Do you think real love can last throughout any distance, or will long distance end most relationships?
Submitted by Miss Joy.
HAHAHAHAHA! I am so not the right person to ask this question of right now.
Seriously, I don't think they all fail. I know several people who are doing it now, or have made it work them in the long run. Though in the long run, it generally stops being a long distance thing.
So HMP called me today. He's actually emailed a couple times recently, he's moving back to town tomorrow and looking for a place. I helped, gave him a couple names and numbers of places. I suspect he is still an emotional fuckwit and all but I have agreed to go have a drink with him. I need distraction and entertainment. He's super hot, he's a good kisser and I don't have to find out later that he's an ass because I already know. I figure the worst case scenario here is I have a drink with him and listen to him talk about himself for hours, best I get dinner and heavy petting out of the deal. Whatever. I mean, it's been a year. I was way into him back then, he wasn't that into me, my feelings got hurt a lot. Knowing what I know, I can still enjoy his company but I don't have to go any further than that emotionally.
I'm just bored. I mean, no, I'm insanely busy, but I haven't kissed anyone in a while and it sure would be nice. I really need to meet some decent guys who aren't married. Hell, I'd settle for gay ones at this point, at least they'd tell me I look fabulous.
I've opted not to respond to my stepmother. It's just a can of worms I do not need to deal with right now. I didn't even tell my mom about it when she called last night, as I just wasn't up to dealing with that fallout/bitchfest.
Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching with no prospects but some pointed comments from the yuckier patrons at the bar. I've never made a big deal about the day. I've never dated anyone who really did much for me--my ex-husband once brought me flowers, but I found out later they'd been sent to his work for a co-worker whose daughter died and no one wanted them so he gave them to me UGH. Generally it's not that big of a deal but this year I feel pretty bitter about it. Lonely anyway.
I am smart and fairly attractive. I like to think I dress well. I am, or can be, very friendly and outgoing, often quite flirty (with no intent, I can't flirt to save my life with people I'm actually interested in). Because of this combination of traits (I guess) I often find a couple guys completely crushed out on me whom I would never ever date. It's harmless, if a little sad, but sometimes utterly annoying. Especially when they get a hold of my MySpace or something and start messaging me friendly little notes all day. Ugh. Like I'm fine talking to these guys at the bar when I'm working and they are hanging out. I'm fine running into them out someplace and talking a bit. But I am not going to date them ever. They don't really want anything else from me, as much as they pretend we are just friends. They are still hoping for more no matter how they try to spin it. This is a tiny group of guys, there are plenty of flirty, chatty guys I know, who I am not going to date, who I am just friends with.
I never know exactly what to do with these guys. I mean, I try not to lead them on, not to let them think that I ever will go out with them. But they are well intentioned and usually very nice guys, so I don't want to be cold, harsh or mean to them. I just want them to stop annoying me.
I am aware that this is a stupid thing to complain about. I mean, "Oh, woe, guys find me attractive and charming and want to talk to me, how tragic!" Yeah, I get it, just it feels a little invasive some times and I'm not sure how to balance it without being like, "Hey, you! Fuck off!"
I swear every year or there's a week or two in which people just come crawling out of hiding. People I haven't seen in years and materialize right in a little clump.
This week I got two emails from two cute boys in two different bands I know. Sadly they live far, far away and so will have to continue to be my pretend band boyfriends. And then I got a an email from some one I haven't talked to in months asking if we were still friends in a somewhat confrontational way. Ack. And then a LinkedIn request from an old co-worker I seriously can not stand. And a handful of creepy MySpace propositions (those always seem to come in batches once every few months). I just feel vaguely dirty like I need to shower after the recent spate of emails.
Why don't I get emails from hot, smart guys who are like, "I've just realized I've been in love with you for years"? Naw, I'd probably think that was creepy too. I'd settle for being asked out by a nice, decent, hot guy, with a job and no emotional problems.
I don't have any trouble finding guys to date. I readily admit I usually pick the wrong ones. But honestly, the good ones all seem to be married or gay. Yes, I know, every single girl complains about that, but that's because it's true. I'm not asking for much: no facial disfiguration, a steady income, no crazy emotional problems or weird past relationship baggage. Are these guys out there? Do I intimidate them? Are they just a made up bedtime story for single girls, like leprechauns and all are for kids?
Um, got waylaid. This was about what's going on in the universe that people are crawling out of the woodwork. What will come next, surprise calls from my ex-husband? Or maybe a rich long-lost relative?
I feel tonight like I am on the verge, the threshold, of something. I'm not sure what exactly, but something good
I am without a boyfriend and I clearly acknowledged to myself today that I don't really like that. I just want someone to curl up in bed with. Someone to have breakfast with. Someone to call and and tell all about my day. Someone who is interested, who thinks I'm clever, who thinks I am pretty. Someone I can call when I am sad. Someone who will share the little and the big joys in my life. I've been looking for this person for a long time. There have been a lot of trials, but none have yet made the finals. CK isn't ever going to be that someone. I have no current prospects. I am okay with that. I am lonely. But not painfully so. I will make cleanly through to whatever is waiting around the corner. It'd be nice if love is waiting. It's okay if it isn't.
Work is dreadful. I love the bar. If I could support myself just working there I would totally do it. My day job feels like my secondary making ends meet. I currently have the possibility of promotion. Nothing yet in stone, but it could be more money, a few more hours, a slightly more flexible schedule and much better job title and responsibilities. When this becomes a firm offer (in about ten days) I think I am going to decline. I am currently on track to seriously look for another job.It's kind of a tough place to be. The new position is actually pretty perfect for me and I think I'd like to do it. It's just I have issues with my current boss, and while he would no longer be my boss, he recently hired a guy that I can not stand and the two of them together are simply unbearable. No hyperbole. No exaggeration. I just in all seriousness want to FLEE the room whenever the two of them are talking (or just whenever new guy is around). And while I'd have a different boss, I'd still have to work with these guys at least 25% of the time and I just don't think I could take it. So new job lurking just around the bend. I expect it won't be easy because of my need for flexibility and my very requirements for a job, but I'm sure something is out there.
My roommate UN is moving out. This involves some financial shuffling, though no real damage on that front. And since she's out of town, we'll probably (voluntarily, and gladly) do most of the packing for her. But hey, WAY less stress, less household complications, and a whole room to sew, dance, exercise, work, dream or whatever in.
What I've had for the last few months: a relationship burdened by distance/lack of physical closeness; a job that I can barely bring myself to go into; a complicated, stressful living situation. What I have waiting for me: wide open possibilities for love, joy and finding peace with myself; any number of interesting new jobs; a rearranging and resettling of my home into a place that's a pleasure to be.
Still no word form CK. He can take his childish ass and fuck right off. As my nearest and dearest said, he could have at least given me the coward's break up in text messages. But no, not a peep. So I did the only thing a girl like me can do, went right out and slept with someone else.
We didn't actually have sex (erm, depending on how you're defining sex), but we fooled around a lot. We went for a drink, talked for forever, went back to his place, talked more, made out, I spent the night, and we fooled around more in the morning. Then he made coffee and breakfast in bed, and we laid around in our underwear and watched Repo Man. So overall, as far as dates go, pretty much excellent.
Not a thing though, just some guy I'm friends with and now, it would appear, friends with benefits. That's cool though.
As far as break-ups go, I'm all over the place. Like I have no closure, no idea if I did something, or he met someone else, or just decided I wasn't worthy or what. Which I find pretty upsetting. But since it was long distance, and he hasn't been calling much for weeks now, I'm not really feeling the loss in every day life. Mostly I'm pretty practical and matter of fact about it. I haven't cried much yet, but am still expecting a massive breakdown over the whole thing. I can feel it bubbling up inside me.
Of course HB came out of the woodwork right as all this was going down (though as far as I know he had no idea it was going down) and he's been making an effort to hang out with me a lot and asked to work on a long term collaborative artistic project with him. This is awesome, as we are just friends and I love hanging out with him. However in the past week I have had the following conversation no less than five times:
well meaning close friend: "how's CK?"
me: *explains the jackassery*
wmcf: "oh sweetie, I'm sorry."
me: "it's okay, I'll be fine"
wmcf: "I don't understand why you aren't just dating HB anyway."
me: "..."
Seriously, it's like a conspiracy, except most the people I had this conversation with don't know each well enough to conspire about anything. So, I am back to fantasizing about dating HB, but I think I'm best leaving it at that. At least for now, until I get my equilibrium back.
HA!! Okay, HB just called while I was typing this to see if I wanted to go "hang out" When I told him I was sick, he prodded and poked, until I explained the coughing, the snot, the unshoweredness and the firm position on the couch in sweatpants. "Ew, maybe I don't wanna see you," he replied. "Naw, I still do, but you don't, so call me when you're better. Maybe tomorrow or Thursday?" *sigh* He really is such a good boy. Even my mom loves him, she was talking all about him on the phone last night. There's no escaping it. Clearly, she's conspiring with my friends.
This morning I woke up crying from a dream about CK in which I thought I'd found out from a friend of his what had happened, and then found I was misinformed. As I awoke, in the dream I was sitting on the side of a road int he dark, with his friend crying my fucking eyes out. I haven't cried about it much in real life yet, but if the dreams are any indication, it's coming.
Generally I hate Regina Spektor, but for some reason, this is the only song I want to listen to this morning.
I am tired and whiny and full of self pity tonight. FF has been really sick for a few days, coughing, 100 degree fever, general yuck. I've been doing my best to take care of her, getting stuff she needs from the store, making soup, being sympathetic etc. but I really needed this weekend to regroup from the past couple weeks and while I did get a bunch done this weekend, it was as productive or as relaxing as I would have hoped. And now, additionally I feel guilty for not doing more for FF, though I really don't know what I could have done. Hopefully I've dodged the bullet on getting sick myself as well, unless this virus has a particularly long incubation period, I should be okay.
HB just called me to tell about something going on tonight that I really should be at. I'm too tired to go out. To full of self pity to put on make-up. Too PMS-y to want to be seen in public. Yet I hate myself a little for not going too. Vicious, vicious cycle. Plus I so just can't deal with HB right now. Not that it isn't completely between us, it is, just sometimes I get so much pleasure out of being friends and hanging out with him and other times it feels awkward and awful. I don't think I could deal with it going either way tonight.
Anyway my real problem is CK. He's distant, not really returning calls and such and he's evasive and defensive when I do manage two minutes of his time. Yes, I have addressed this head on, asking if he's avoiding breaking up with me, if he's feeling the pressure of the distance and conflicting schedules or or what. I just can't get an answer from him. I've pretty much given up at this point and have moved on to trying to actively avoid mourning what appears to be over. Yeah, I'd give him a second chance with a decent explanation, but I'm not particularly optimistic at this point. And yeah, I'm upset, but mostly I'm just horribly disappointed in that way it is when your hopes are dashed to the ground and stomped on. Plus I have the bonus hormonal face punch of feeling unattractive, bloated, blotchy and unloveable. YAY! It's good to be me today. And most of it will pass soon, I know. And I knew long distance would be hard and have it's own horrible communications complications. Perhaps I was just too optimistic about my ability to manage it.
I swear to god, even this pathetic and miserable, that I would make someone an awesome, awesome girlfriend. I just worry about my ability to find the person that's going to recognize that.
Okay, enough pity party for me. Back to house cleaning, chores and real life.
I haven't been very introspective lately. Almost entirely a factor of busy-ness and stress. I had a hard tme coming up with any conceivable resolutions for the New Year because it's hard to think about what you want to change about yourself when you aren't looking inwardly at all.
Honestly, though, I don't really want to change myself much. I'm not unhappy or disappointed with who I am. I will strive to be better person. To forgive more and identify the good in a person or situation rather than taking the easy road and complaining about it.
I am going to temporarily drop off some of my hobbies and such and devote what little time that now affords me to focusing on the work and career aspects of my life and getting myself to a better place professionally.
I will not let joy flit by in 2008. I will savor and remember the moments of it better. I will do better to love the people close to me in the ways they deserve and by the means they recognize.
I need to learn that I deserve to get more for doing less. While this is mostly tied to work, remembering it will probably serve me in many aspects of my life.
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I survived the holidays with my family with no drama and minimal complications, which I think is the most I can ask for. I miss them very much, but I don't at all regret moving away. I'm very sorry that it makes my mother so unhappy, but I don't know what to do to fix that and still live my own life.
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CK and I were barely able to talk over the holidays. Our schedules were just complete opposites and days of house guests didn't help much either. Though now I'm unsure if our schedules are just really fucked, or if he's actively avoiding me as a precursor to breaking up with me. If he is, I know it's distance and scheduling that are the problems, but it won't hurt any less if it's coming. Possibly I just have awful PMS and am emotionally overwrought from the holidays and expecting the worst with no solid basis for it. But I can't even seem to pin him down to talk about it, which makes me more worried. I mean, reasonably, we both knew the holidays were going to be hard and complicated. We are still negotiating, essentially continually negotiating, how to make this a workable relationship for us. It's reasonable to have some rough, distance-y parts like this. I just don't like it. And I don't like how right now I feel like it's falling apart, rather than feeling like it's a bump in a long road.
I can just stop and take a deep breath and remember that fixing the job stuff is going to make me much happier in the long. Really I don't need a man for my happiness. I just like this one and I wanted him to be "the" one. I'm not yet letting go of the possibility of that being true, I'm just being realistic about the possibility of it not working out. I guess. Ugh. I'm tired of thinking about it.
