HB has been trying to make plans with me all week in his unreliable way. I assume he wants to see me because I told him I had a present for him. So he showed up at the bar last night, with his girlfriend, Yankee Girl. Which is fine, just he doesn't usually bring her out with me. Ever. And she's okay, I don't dislike her, I just, ugh, you know, she's never going to be good enough for him in my mind. She's certainly pretty enough, but she's not that interesting and she and I really don't share any interests. Even the things that cross over we come at from such different directions. And I'm not making excuses, I know I'm not going to like her simply because she is his girlfriend, but even trying to be objective, I just can't find things about her that interest me.
Anyway, they came up and we hung out and talked, mostly about my day job, as YG and I have many mutual social acquaintances through work. Mostly I stared at her and tried not to think that she was temporary and he was really mine. Although I sort of even get the sense that she felt that way. HB sat across from me, and she sat at the end of the table with an empty seat between us and her. He asked after my family and about how my mom was doing and the whole thing was sort of stilted and weird. And then when we left he kept saying he'd see me Saturday, though I don't recall making any plans with him.
It does not matter how much I tell myself I am over HB. It's so not true. It's fine. I just need to make sure it stays like this: friendly, easy, with just me being judgmental and filled with a tolerable, low-level ache. That I can bear. Probably for the rest of my life if I have too. I do not want to feel like I am pining for him, like I am missing out by not having more than his friendship. I don't not want to feel more lonely because of his absence from my romantic life.
I set out for work. It's snowing. Yuck. I expect it to be dead at work, but no, it's super busy, the bar is packed. I look good, BND from yesterday's post is supposed to meet me for a drink after I get off work around 9:30-ish. We're busy. It thins out. At 9:10 HMP walks in. Of course, because I couldn't have normal date with a nice seeming boy without some complications. HMP's grandmother just died, he's going home tomorrow, and his boyhood friend has been threatening suicide in email all day. AUGH. And it's me he comes to. Which I appreciate, but still. I get him a drink. DD tells me to just clock out she gets me a drink. I chat with HMP for a bit and then my phone rings. It's BND. I'll just transcribe the conversation for you:
me: Hello?
BND: Is this Lucy?
me: yeah
BND: Hi, uh, this is BND, I think we talked the other night?
me (confused): we did, yes.
BND: Well I was so drunk I couldn't remember if I said I'd come meet you tonight or said maybe or what.
me: ...
me: I think we said maybe
BND: Well, I'm not going to be able to make it up there tonight.
me: okay
BND: so, well, talk some time soon?
me: no, you don't need to call me again
BND: okay sorry.
me: bye
BND: bye
REALLY? I mean sure, I'm glad I know he's a fucking idiot before I wasted any time on him, but REALLY? Not even smart enough to say he just can't make it, or something, anything else. He was too drunk when he called me to remember what he said to me. Awesome. Another keeper.
So I got off the phone, told HMP the whole story and he amused himself by making other possible excuses BND could have used which was pretty funny. Then HMP left and I hung out with some of our regulars and bonded with DD over the incredible stupidity of boys. Then I scraped 2 inches of snow off my car and drove home.
Now, I sitting here staring at my MySpace inbox, which contains another message from CK. I can't decide if I should read it now and risk being so pissed I don't sleep. Or if I should just let it go and worry about it tomorrow, later, some other time.
Dislikes:
- Winter, and it's cold, wet, dankness
- Dumb boys who should know better
- Having my heartbroken and then having it repeatedly thrown in my face
- Working all the time and still being poor
- Being grossly underemployed
- Having the best girl friends in the world
- The joy I find in the beauty of my own artistic creations
- Cute boys who call when they should
- Having things to look forward too, even if they are small
- Budding early spring flowers
Two things: 1) I have the perfect plan for what to with the returned gift from CK. It's clothing so I am going to give it to HB and feel smug every time he wears it. 2) This boy I see around the hood, we'll call him Boy Next Door, is very cute. Friday night I left my card for him, with his coworker so he could pretend he next got it. Well he got it and called tonight. I am in a much better mood now. Plus DD brought us dinner and DD and FF sat around talking about beating CK to death with a shovel. Yes, I feel much better.
So I came home today to find the Christmas present I sent CK, two months ago, on my doorstep, unopened, marked "return to sender." Perhaps I'll spend the rest of the day watching Steel Magnolias and jabbing myself repeatedly with pins. That's got to feel better than I do right now.
I slept poorly last night. I laid awake thinking, as always of things I need to get done, but it was equally blended last night with all the things I want to say to CK. Mostly along the lines of how dare you even talk to me after how badly you made me feel; fuck you for making me feel so undervalued; how could you even just disappear like that with out even offering a lame excuse; and a little bit of I miss you which really makes me the angriest of all. Like I'm so mad at him for how he made me feel, but I'm even angrier at myself for letting myself be hurt like, for even know still wanting his attention enough that I'm hurt by the loss of it.
SNB upon seeing the comment from CK, said, "wow, that guy has BALLS." If I was giving CK the benefit of the doubt I'd say he must have suffered a stroke or some severe memory loss to think it's okay to approach and address me casually. Otherwise, he's clearly an arrogant bastard for even considering that he could off-handedly chat me up. And the worst part really isn't how angry I already was, how hurt or anything, but how it makes my head bubble up with events and things from the past 7 or 8 weeks that I've been dying to talk to him about. The entire situation from the beginning sucks. I've barely cried over him at all and damn it, I don't want to start now.
So after what, now, 7+ weeks of not a peep, and CK decides the proper way to initiate contact is to leave a comment on my MySpace about how my recent pic looks? Really? He's just so defective. I mean I guess I'm glad it ended before I invested too much more time or energy in the relationship. On the one hand, I do miss being friends with him and I'm constantly finding things I want to talk to him about or share with him. I don't have trouble being friends with exes, even asshat ones. But on the other hand, I'm still so fucking pissed at him, that I couldn't go back to being friends with him without seriously laying into him about his jackassery. Which would probably end any friendship before it could start. It's kind of a lose/lose situation.
I am so fucking tired. My to-do list for tomorrow is fairly unrealistic. Do you think the universe would notice if I just slept all day tomorrow?
Last night, hmm, I was going to say interesting, but it was better than that, though weirder. DK came to visit me at the bar (yay for friends made through Vox!), it was very slow a perfect night for her to come out (except the music could have been better). However mere minutes before she walked in HMP came in, so I got off early, sat down between them at the bar and drank with them. DK was great, funny, charming and cute as I would have expected. HMP was his usual self which is a strange mix of charming, funny, moronically stupid, vaguely clueless, quite curious and somewhat sweet. HMP and I left sometime before 11 and went to another bar where he was oddly interested in me. We had a conversation throughout which he was very earnest and seemingly genuine. It turned to people problems they make for themselves or issues and baggage they bring from their past, and I asked him, basically, "so, if you're so smart and can read people, what are my problems?" And he said, quite seriously, "you don't really have any problems." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! After some discussion we agreed that I had problems, but owned them and was so straight forward about things that they didn't, at least initially appear to be problems.
I recently had a similar conversation with FF, in which she said that with most people, when they were insecure, you could usually see why, but with me I always seemed so together and smart and funny and attractive that it never made sense to her why I'd be insecure. It's interesting because I feel so raw and exposed about my perceived shortcomings and my own issues, and yet apparently I do an excellent job of concealing them. I wish could get a better picture of how other people see me, you know?
Anyway, after the bars, HMP and went back to my house, ostensibly to watch a movie. Yeah that lasted about 15 minutes before he was all over me. We had dirty, rough sex, then we had really sort of sweet, slow sex during which he kept telling me how beautiful I am and sort of clutching me against him in a vaguely possessive way. Then he didn't let go of me all night, which was kind of nice, but also sort of annoying. I find I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole this morning. Like the sex was good. I liked hanging out with him yesterday, but I really am feeling like the situation has completely reversed itself from last year, where now I am only interested in him essentially for entertainment and I feel like maybe he's pushing for more. I might be wrong perceiving the situation, but it just feels a little unbalanced, again, but not at all the way it did before. I feel vaguely guilty for saying that he's okay for comfort until something better comes along, but that's pretty much how I feel right now.
You're on my friend's list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other.
Be honest! Copy from here then send directly to me in a comment then repost the empty questions if you want to in your own blog.
1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.
2) What was your dream growing up?
A.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.
5) Favourite vegetable?
A.
6) What was the last book you read?
A.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.
8) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
A.
9) Worst habit?
A.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.
11) What is your favourite sport?
A.
12) Do you have a negative or optimistic attitude?
A.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.
16) Do you have any pets?
A.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.
18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.
22) What color eyes do you have?
A.
23) Ever been arrested?
A.
24) Bottle or can soda?
A.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.
27) What's your favourite place to hang at?
A.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.
29) Favourite thing to do in your spare time?
A.
30) Do you swear a lot?
A.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.
35) Do you believe in God?
A.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
Now you! My answers are on IrishLucky Lass's post.
Things I LOATHE:
- Being sick
- Breaking a nail down to the quick while changing a toner cartridge
- Re-doing work I already did because someone else messed up their part
- Winter
Things I LOVE:
- New perfume that is perfection
- Barcelona
- Sunny days that promise forthcoming spring
- Knowing I look good even when I feel bad
