the bad'uns:
- My entire wardrobe. Ugh.
- Spring not arriving as quickly as I want it too.
- Being single when I don't want to be.
- Split ends.
- UN moving out of the house.
the good'uns:
- Planning vacations.
- Good Indian food.
- Sunshine.
- My community of friends.
- UN moving out of the house (yep, it's good and bad. mostly I just wish it was over.)
The Bad:
- Grey skies
- Letting other people affect how I feel
- Wallowing in self pity
- Feeling like I have a hangover when I didn't even drink
- My day job
- Hair that won't cooperate with my awesomeness
The Good:
- Warmer weather, even if it's just for a few days
- Being strong enough to move the fuck on
- My iPod giving me a run of perfect songs
- Losing weight without even trying
- My night job
- Today's shoes:
Yes, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't care if I sound like a self-help book. I am strong. I can do anything I want. I will overcome all minor emotional pitfalls in my life. If clothes are a reflection of, um, anything about a person, then today I look like a rockstar: black pintuck blouse; dark, fitted straight-leg jeans; the shoes the shoes the shoes; delicate, sparkly jewelry; knee-length, spring weight, black coat. Of course my hair is is a little windswept and I suspect it doesn't look intentional (it wasn't), but that's fixable. Besides everyone will be looking at my awesome shoes anyway. These are the shoes of a girl about to take over the world.
I am so utterly exhausted by being upset over CK. I let go. I let go of all of it. I am not going to get the apology I need from him. I am not going to find the closure I need in worrying about it, or being angry, or rehashing all the things I want t say to him. It's mild, but it's still the worst kind of obsessive thinking. It's the stuff that leads to depression and I'm not having any of it. I'm just letting it all go.
I'm sorry, CK, that I couldn't be there for you in the way you needed. I'm sorry I couldn't make you understand what I wanted from you. I'm not sorry I loved you, I do not regret the time we spent together. I don't know if I am better person for it all, but I am changed, and yet still more myself. I hope you find peace. I hope you can forgive yourself. I hope you can find happiness. I'm sorry you didn't love me the way I wanted, but I'll find that somewhere. Goodbye.
Now if only I had some of his stuff. I'd totally go ritually burn it in the yard. Instead I can only block his email addresses and cut him out of all my internet networking programs. If he really has something to say to me, he can call me.
Now I think I'll go cry in my room and listen to Lucinda Williams endlessly. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better for the letting go. Right now I just feel sad.
