Posts (page 2)

Last night, hmm, I was going to say interesting, but it was better than that, though weirder.  DK came to visit me at the bar (yay for friends made through Vox!), it was very slow a perfect night for her to come out (except the music could have been better).  However mere minutes before she walked in HMP came in, so I got off early, sat down between them at the bar and drank with them. DK was great, funny, charming and cute as I would have expected.  HMP was his usual self which is a strange mix of charming, funny, moronically stupid, vaguely clueless, quite curious and somewhat sweet. HMP and I left sometime before 11 and went to another bar where he was oddly interested in me.  We had a conversation throughout which he was very earnest and seemingly genuine.  It turned to people problems they make for themselves or issues and baggage they bring from their past, and I asked him, basically, "so, if you're so smart and can read people, what are my problems?"  And he said, quite seriously, "you don't really have any problems."  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  After some discussion we agreed that I had problems, but owned them and was so straight forward about things that they didn't, at least initially appear to be problems.

I recently had a similar conversation with FF, in which she said that with most people, when they were insecure, you could usually see why, but with me I always seemed so together and smart and funny and attractive that it never made sense to her why I'd be insecure.  It's interesting because I feel so raw and exposed about my perceived shortcomings and my own issues, and yet apparently I do an excellent job of concealing them.  I wish could get a better picture of how other people see me, you know?

Anyway, after the bars, HMP and went back to my house, ostensibly to watch a movie.  Yeah that lasted about 15 minutes before he was all over me.  We had dirty, rough sex, then we had really sort of sweet, slow sex during which he kept telling me how beautiful I am and sort of clutching me against him in a vaguely possessive way. Then he didn't let go of me all night, which was kind of nice, but also sort of annoying.  I find I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole this morning.  Like the sex was good.  I liked hanging out with him yesterday, but I really am feeling like the situation has completely reversed itself from last year, where now I am only interested in him essentially for entertainment and I feel like maybe he's pushing for more.  I might be wrong perceiving the situation, but it just feels a little unbalanced, again, but not at all the way it did before.  I feel vaguely guilty for saying that he's okay for comfort until something better comes along, but that's pretty much how I feel right now.

You're on my friend's list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other.

Be honest! Copy from here then send directly to me in a comment then repost the empty questions if you want to in your own blog.

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.
2) What was your dream growing up?
A.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.
5) Favourite vegetable?
A.
6) What was the last book you read?
A.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.
8) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
A.
9) Worst habit?
A.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.
11) What is your favourite sport?
A.
12) Do you have a negative or optimistic attitude?
A.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.
16) Do you have any pets?
A.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.
18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.
22) What color eyes do you have?
A.
23) Ever been arrested?
A.
24) Bottle or can soda?
A.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.
27) What's your favourite place to hang at?
A.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.
29) Favourite thing to do in your spare time?
A.
30) Do you swear a lot?
A.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.
35) Do you believe in God?
A.

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Now you!  My answers are on IrishLucky Lass's post.

Things I LOATHE:

• Being sick

• Breaking a nail down to the quick while changing a toner cartridge

• Re-doing work I already did because someone else messed up their part

• Winter

Things I LOVE:

• New perfume that is perfection

• Barcelona

• Sunny days that promise forthcoming spring

• Knowing I look good even when I feel bad

Do you guys remember CMB? Well he came into the bar last night for the first time in months.  As he was coming in, someone he knew was going out, and while CMB clearly was trying to initiate conversation with me, his friend waylaid him just long enough for me to get really busy.  10 minutes later when I had a second, CMB was gone, gone, gone.  He managed to say hi, wish me a happy Valentine's Day, and look like he had something else to say and that was it.  Boo.  I don't even want to date him.  Last night in my feverish state I was amusing (or at least occupying) myself, b thinking about what would happen if I told him that I thought we had a connection, but I didn't want to do more than sex him, and then maybe, whatever, we'd see where it went.  There's surely very few guys that would object to this.  I'd never do it though, well never with CMB, other guys maybe. Anyway, I don't think I'm even making sense.  I'm utterly sleep deprived.

---

Last night I was so miserable, feverish, congested, exhausted, alone.  I guess I could have woken up FF or one of my other friends and had them go to the all-night pharmacy for me, but I didn't.  Instead I laid in bed and thought about how being sick is the most miserable and lonely part of being single.  About how, though we had our problems, my ex-husband would have gotten up and dressed in the middle of the night and gone to the store to get something to make me feel better. Which since I couldn't sleep led me to wonder how, nine years after we divorced, he could still even cross my mind.  And I remembered that I dreamt about him the other night. A dream in which he was remodeling his house with all these amazing skylight filled rooms and suddenly I found myself outside his house, admiring the remodel and how he'd made it look like a fairytale castle but I couldn't get inside, I could only appreciate it from the outside, while my ex-husband and his new family were inside. I'd just like to give my brain a big, F- You for that bit of sleep psychology. Ugh.

Despite all that I feel okay today, I mean still hideously sick, but not really miserable.

There's this guy, we'll call him Married Drummer Boy (MDB), who plays at my bar a lot. I've seen him probably a couple times a week over the last couple months. He's cute. We started talking more and more about a month ago and I mentioned to DD that I thought he was cute.  She replied, "Sooooo cute, too bad he's married." Boo. So I wrote him off.  As you do.  Alas, I still see him all the time, talk to him often and man, why are all the good ones married?  Recently he's started touching me.  Just a friendly shoulder squeeze when he comes in, if I am too busy to say "hi."  I've complained before about unwelcome touching from guys, but this is welcome, but also friendly, casual and not at all icky.  When I talk to him he goes out of his way to ask me about my art projects, to bring up things from past conversations, to ask how my week was.  He was clearly very shy at first and is becoming more and more comfortable with me and friendly and funny and open.  I found myself laying in bed last wondering if DD was wrong, maybe he's not married at all, maybe she confused him with the bass player or something.  Hope springs eternal.  The things is, of the guys in his band that are married, their wives all come down and hang out occasionally, see the show, whatever.  In eight months, I've never seen his wife.  She exists, I'm sure she does, but man, it would be so much easier if I could talk to her and satisfy myself that he was happily married.  In the mean time, I'll keep hoping.

Rescue - Lucinda Williams

Lucinda Williams

NPR today is talking about love, you can download a podcast of it here.

From the show: "Casual sex is never casual, as it can trigger brain mechanisms you weren't expecting."  You're telling me, sister!

It was actually pretty interesting.  Certainly reinforced my recent thinking that I should plan on a long string of lovers and give up the notion of a life partner. Which seems sensible, given my own fickleness.  However, right now, I would still like to find one that is loyal, monogamously faithful, really into me and gonna be around for a year or two. (Don't worry, next week I'll have given up practicality and be mooning around, romantically hoping for a prince to sweep me off my feet for the rest of my life.)

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I was laying awake last night wondering if one of my recent paramours would surprise me on Valentine's Day.  The answer is no.  I shouldn't even hope.  But it did get me thinking about how much I appreciate grand gestures.  Even when CK not calling had passed the point of acceptable excuse, I knew I'd accept a grand gesture in lieu of a satisfactory reason.  Hell, I might still, how ever at this point he'd have to have my name spelled out over NYC or something. A parade in my honor.  Or something.  Or perhaps I just feel I deserve more gifts than I get.  Not in a greedy, gimee stuff kind of way, but as a general recognition of how awesome I am.

Things I dislike:

• Coworkers who make more work for you because they don't know what they are doing
• Large groups of people who come into the bar as we are closing and act entitled
• Rain that turns to ice when it hits your windshield
• Cold weather

• Working with my friends
• Charming older men who flirt with me without expectations
• New shoes
• Having my hair look awesome when I wasn't even trying

I was fantasizing about what I want from a relationship currently this week and it occurred to me that what I really want is a lover who will appear as I am getting ready for bed and we can talk about our days and things we've been thinking about.  Then we could snuggle or have sex or what ever.  On week days I'd like to be snuggled and kissed awake (morning sex on weekends) and then I can just go about my day.  A date night or so once a week, dinner, whatever, a movie TV watching together and then gone.  I'd rather not negotiate the complications, financial, or otherwise, with this person, so just a lover, at least in the short term (next year or so).  Not asking too much, really? Ha!  Okay, I might be flexible on the show up every night part, but still, is it too much?

Okay, I confess, I kind of like HMP.  I was telling my pal, Super Ninja Badass, this morning that I feel like HMP and I have reached some sort of level playing field and it ain't bad.  Like maybe it's okay to be friends who just sleep together? I mean, it's clearly better now that I don't expect anything like I did last year, but the year apart seems to have sort of smoothed his rough edges as well.

He came up to the bar last night, alone, so I stayed after my shift and has a beer with him.  We wended up going back to my place. And here's the thing, this story should end with "and had crazy, dirty sex all night," but it doesn't.  He came over, roamed around my house, picked up a bunch of my recent art works and really, genuinely complimented me on them, expressed interest in the ideas behind them and asked good questions about them.  Then we went and watched a movie in my room, so as not to disturb FF and because it was warmer in my room.  So warm in fact that we we were both shedding clothing throughout the film. And then...we went to sleep. I woke up once during this night, and again this morning with him all wrapped around me.  It was just nice.  We had a nice time talking last night.  He was suitably amused by the movie I picked, we had a nice, sort of comforting night.

Granted I still think he's sort of annoying, and was completely an insensitive jerk last year.  He's not entirely forgiven, but he's on probation now, instead of being shut out.  And presently his good qualities outweigh his bad.  I'm not sure how long that will last though.

And seriously, how easy am I? All a guy has to do is express interest in my art in a kind and honestly curious sort of way and I'm completely won over? Wow.

Out of context, but from an actual conversation with HMP, he said, "I have a way of thinking things are normal when I guess they aren't."  So, so very true.

He's coming to visit me at the bar tonight. I'd put him off, or discourage this, except he's bringing his friend, CC, who lives a few states away and whom I absolutely adore, so I'll take HMP if it means getting to hang a little with CC.

Both HMP and CK are haunting my dreams now.  The CK ones are always me being extremely angry with him.  Throwing tantrums and screaming at him.  No mystery the meaning there.

Last night I dreamt I went to see HMP's new apartment.  In the dream it went on and on, room after room, filled with books and art crowded in all over the walls.  Huge windows, lots of light, lots of plants.  The was a doorway to his neighbor's apartment, which had no door in it (in fact there were no doors between any of the rooms).  His neighbor was a 40-ish woman and I suggested to HMP that it was weird that there were no boundaries between his apartment and his neighbor's.  He assured me that it was fine, it was normal and that many people lived like that. (It was my relaying of this dream to him, in less detail than this, that caused him to make the declaration from the opening line of this post).

The weirdest part about the dream though was that it was his apartment.  I have regularly recurring dreams on this theme (no barrier between my apt and my neighbors, rooms I didn't realize I had before, maze-like living spaces that go on an on), that are always my home and always in my home town.  This was very definitely in Nashville, and very much HMP's place.  Also with all the recent contact from him, I feel personally affronted, like he is intentionally infiltrating my dreams.