13 posts tagged “bitches”

HB has been trying to make plans with me all week in his unreliable way.  I assume he wants to see me because I told him I had a present for him.  So he showed up at the bar last night, with his girlfriend, Yankee Girl.  Which is fine, just he doesn't usually bring her out with me.  Ever.  And she's okay, I don't dislike her, I just, ugh, you know, she's never going to be good enough for him in my mind.  She's certainly pretty enough, but she's not that interesting and she and I really don't share any interests.  Even the things that cross over we come at from such different directions.  And I'm not making excuses, I know I'm not going to like her simply because she is his girlfriend, but even trying to be objective, I just can't find things about her that interest me.

Anyway, they came up and we hung out and talked, mostly about my day job, as YG and I have many mutual social acquaintances through work.  Mostly I stared at her and tried not to think that she was temporary and he was really mine.  Although I sort of even get the sense that she felt that way.  HB sat across from me, and she sat at the end of the table with an empty seat between us and her.  He asked after my family and about how my mom was doing and the whole thing was sort of stilted and weird.  And then when we left he kept saying he'd see me Saturday, though I don't recall making any plans with him.

It does not matter how much I tell myself I am over HB.  It's so not true.  It's fine.  I just need to make sure it stays like this: friendly, easy, with just me being judgmental and filled with a tolerable, low-level ache.  That I can bear.  Probably for the rest of my life if I have too.  I do not want to feel like I am pining for him, like I am missing out by not having more than his friendship.  I don't not want to feel more lonely because of his absence from my romantic life.

So after what, now, 7+ weeks of not a peep, and CK decides the proper way to initiate contact is to leave a comment on my MySpace about how my recent pic looks?  Really? He's just so defective. I mean I guess I'm glad it ended before I invested too much more time or energy in the relationship.  On the one hand, I do miss being friends with him and I'm constantly finding things I want to talk to him about or share with him.  I don't have trouble being friends with exes, even asshat ones.  But on the other hand, I'm still so fucking pissed at him, that I couldn't go back to being friends with him without seriously laying into him about his jackassery. Which would probably end any friendship before it could start.  It's kind of a lose/lose situation.

I am so fucking tired.  My to-do list for tomorrow is fairly unrealistic.  Do you think the universe would notice if I just slept all day tomorrow?

Things I dislike:

• Coworkers who make more work for you because they don't know what they are doing
• Large groups of people who come into the bar as we are closing and act entitled
• Rain that turns to ice when it hits your windshield
• Cold weather

• Working with my friends
• Charming older men who flirt with me without expectations
• New shoes
• Having my hair look awesome when I wasn't even trying

I am smart and fairly attractive.  I like to think I dress well.  I am, or can be, very friendly and outgoing, often quite flirty (with no intent, I can't flirt to save my life with people I'm actually interested in).  Because of this combination of traits (I guess) I often find a couple guys completely crushed out on me whom I would never ever date.  It's harmless, if a little sad, but sometimes utterly annoying.  Especially when they get a hold of my MySpace or something and start messaging me friendly little notes all day.  Ugh.  Like I'm fine talking to these guys at the bar when I'm working and they are hanging out.  I'm fine running into them out someplace and talking a bit.  But I am not going to date them ever.  They don't really want anything else from me, as much as they pretend we are just friends. They are still hoping  for more no matter how they try to spin it. This is a tiny group of guys, there are plenty of flirty, chatty guys I know, who I am not going to date, who I am just friends with.

I never know exactly what to do with these guys.  I mean, I try not to lead them on, not to let them think that I ever will go out with them.  But they are well intentioned and usually very nice guys, so I don't want to be cold, harsh or mean to them.  I just want them to stop annoying me.

I am aware that this is a stupid thing to complain about.  I mean, "Oh, woe, guys find me attractive and charming and want to talk to me, how tragic!" Yeah, I get it, just it feels a little invasive some times and I'm not sure how to balance it without being like, "Hey, you! Fuck off!"

I am tired and whiny and full of self pity tonight.  FF has been really sick for a few days, coughing, 100 degree fever, general yuck. I've been doing my best to take care of her, getting stuff she needs from the store, making soup, being sympathetic etc. but I really needed this weekend to regroup from the past couple weeks and while I did get a bunch done this weekend, it was as productive or as relaxing as I would have hoped. And now, additionally I feel guilty for not doing more for FF, though I really don't know what I could have done.  Hopefully I've dodged the bullet on getting sick myself as well, unless this virus has a particularly long incubation period, I should be okay.

HB just called me to tell about something going on tonight that I really should be at.  I'm too tired to go out.  To full of self pity to put on make-up.  Too PMS-y to want to be seen in public.  Yet I hate myself a little for not going too.  Vicious, vicious cycle.  Plus I so just can't deal with HB right now. Not that it isn't completely between us, it is, just sometimes I get so much pleasure out of being friends and hanging out with him and other times it feels awkward and awful.  I don't think I could deal with it going either way tonight.

Anyway my real problem is CK.  He's distant, not really returning calls and such and he's evasive and defensive when I do manage two minutes of his time. Yes, I have addressed this head on, asking if he's avoiding breaking up with me, if he's feeling the pressure of the distance and conflicting schedules or or what. I just can't get an answer from him.  I've pretty much given up at this point and have moved on to trying to actively avoid mourning what appears to be over. Yeah, I'd give him a second chance with a decent explanation, but I'm not particularly optimistic at this point. And yeah, I'm upset, but mostly I'm just horribly disappointed in that way it is when your hopes are dashed to the ground and stomped on. Plus I have the bonus hormonal face punch of feeling unattractive, bloated, blotchy and unloveable.  YAY!  It's good to be me today.  And most of it will pass soon, I know.  And I knew long distance would be hard and have it's own horrible communications complications.  Perhaps I was just too optimistic about my ability to manage it.

I swear to god, even this pathetic and miserable, that I would make someone an awesome, awesome girlfriend.  I just worry about my ability to find the person that's going to recognize that.

Okay, enough pity party for me. Back to house cleaning, chores and real life.

I haven't been very introspective lately.  Almost entirely a factor of busy-ness and stress.  I had a hard tme coming up with any conceivable resolutions for the New Year because it's hard to think about what you want to change about yourself when you aren't looking inwardly at all.

Honestly, though, I don't really want to change myself much.  I'm not unhappy or disappointed with who I am.  I will strive to be better person.  To forgive more and identify the good in a person or situation rather than taking the easy road and complaining about it.

I am going to temporarily drop off some of my hobbies and such and devote what little time that now affords me to focusing on the work and career aspects of my life and getting myself to a better place professionally.

I will not let joy flit by in 2008.  I will savor and remember the moments of it better.  I will do better to love the people close to me in the ways they deserve and by the means they recognize.

I need to learn that I deserve to get more for doing less.  While this is mostly tied to work, remembering it will probably serve me in many aspects of my life.

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I survived the holidays with my family with no drama and minimal complications, which I think is the most I can ask for.  I miss them very much, but I don't at all regret moving away.  I'm very sorry that it makes my mother so unhappy, but I don't know what to do to fix that and still live my own life.

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Blue Skies - Tom Waits

CK and I were barely able to talk over the holidays.  Our schedules were just complete opposites and days of house guests didn't help much either.  Though now I'm unsure if our schedules are just really fucked, or if he's actively avoiding me as a precursor to breaking up with me.  If he is, I know it's distance and scheduling that are the problems, but it won't hurt any less if it's coming.  Possibly I just have awful PMS and am emotionally overwrought from the holidays and expecting the worst with no solid basis for it.  But I can't even seem to pin him down to talk about it, which makes me more worried. I mean, reasonably, we both knew the holidays were going to be hard and complicated.  We are still negotiating, essentially continually negotiating, how to make this a workable relationship for us. It's reasonable to have some rough, distance-y parts like this.  I just don't like it.  And I don't like how right now I feel like it's falling apart, rather than feeling like it's a bump in a long road.

I can just stop and take a deep breath and remember that fixing the job stuff is going to make me much happier in the long.  Really I don't need a man for my happiness.  I just like this one and I wanted him to be "the" one. I'm not yet letting go of the possibility of that being true, I'm just being realistic about the possibility of it not working out.  I guess.  Ugh.  I'm tired of thinking about it.

Last night I had a night off from the restaurant.  Yet still I worked 14 hours yesterday.  And still I've a few hours worth of tasks I need to catch up on.  Of course who knows when I'll manage that as I'm at both jobs for the next four days.  All this and still barely making ends meet.

Remember how I said my job satisfaction was plummeting with my day job? Well, apparently the bad director is stepping down. Sometime in the next year.  Not soon enough.  In the meantime they laid off the only person I genuinely liked in the office.  Indeed the only person who was holding the organization together in any kind of competent way.  They are not replacing him.  Instead the already overtaxed, inept bad director is going to be taking over all the tasks. Maybe.  They don't actually have a plan. And finally, in January they are moving the office to a new location that I find objectionable, both for commute time and for my own personal, moral reasons.

I can not continue to work here.  Partly because the place is clearly going to fall into ruin and drag me down with it under a huge burden of work I wasn't hired to do and am not being adequately compensated for.  But also I've hit the point where I go on autopilot every morning and come into work without thinking at all, because if I dwell on it, I burst into tears and no one needs that first thing in the morning.

I don't know what to do.  "Find a new job as fast possible," is the obvious answer, but that easier said than done in the two weeks before Xmas or right around the new year.  I have some idea of what I want to do, or where I want to be, but no idea how to go about getting into those positions.

Part of the problem is that I'm inadequately experienced for this city.  I've either way, WAY overqualified for jobs I'd want, which then don't pay enough, or I can get jobs that I'm actually a little underqualified for (for lack of better candidate pool) and be paid well, but then I'd be working more than I am now and I'm already drowning.

I'm really, very smart.  I have a very broad range of work experience.  I'm good at most every thing I put my mind too.  I have excellent references. Why can't I seem to find myself in a satisfactory work position?  My mom says I'm sabotaging myself.  But I think that's only because I don't want the kind of jobs she thinks I should have.

I need more money.  I can't work any harder than I already am, there simply aren't enough hours in the day.  I can't figure out how to get someplace better, there just isn't time to devote to that. I'm not above asking for help, but I don't really even know who to ask.  I feel stuck.  Really, really stuck.

Todd Snider - 'Looking For A Job'

I just got an email from a friend I interact with a few times a year.  She randomly emailed me to tell me something cute about her new boyfriend.  I responded as was required of me.  And then she replied just gushing about the guy, his washboard abs, how his skin feels, how he tastes when she kisses him, what his voice and his hands are like. And wow, yuck. I can not think of anyone I would really gush like that too.  I mean, I understand the feeling.  And maybe a close friend, very close friend, might hear something similar from me.  But I think it would be more along the, "he is awesome" line and less of the intimate details line.

Also it's sort of surprising that anyone who knows me would choose me to gush too.  She must be really over the edge and telling everyone this stuff, if she's telling me.

And I have PMS and hate the whole world.  So maybe she wasn't out of line at all. :)

When I was last visiting him, CK took me out.  We went to a musical, opening night, and the cast party afterwards.  (I brought a friend for the show, since he was in the band.) I was all dressed up and feeling lovely.  After the party we walked down the street past his friend's coffee shop which was closed, though his friend was inside and let us in, gave us drinks and let us hang out until he was done closing up.  Then we caught a cab home, got ice cream and watched a movie. It was both at the time and in retrospect a perfect evening.  Sitting in the dark coffee shop, in my fancy party clothes, holding hands and talking felt like a scene from a movie.

I detailed our Saturday date when he was last here: a long, leisurely stroll through the insanity of the Opryland hotel and it's weird indoor gardens, watching the WSM midnight jamboree show live, late night at a Waffle House.  Again, lots of hand holding, talking and just enjoying being where we were.

Both were such simple evenings, casual to a point and very relaxing.  I find I'm a little surprised at how fondly I remember them and how often, when I'm thinking about him, that I flash back on to specific moments in those evenings.

It is cold here now.  There is no pretty boy in my bed to warm my toes.  It is only ten days until I see him again and yet it feel like forever.  It almost seems worse to have a day to count down too, instead of just a vague hope I'll see him. No, that isn't true.  Just the whole waiting thing is so hard.  I am not yet entirely convinced I'll be able to weather this as a long distance relationship.  Not because it isn't worth it, as so far it does seem to be, but rather it seems such an added burden of suffering. No, it balances out.  It really does.  I'm just feeling whiny. As I said, it is cold.  I will go do some work and then maybe clean my room or watch TV for a while.  Read a book.  Work on a craft project.  Get ready for bed and get into it alone.  CK will call, we will talk until one of us absolutely has to go to sleep.  I will fall asleep alternately happy from talking to him and sad that he isn't here with me.

I didn't do much in the way of Halloween.  Worked last night and it was pretty slow, but not bad.  The music was great and a guy I know came in as I was getting off shift.  He tours with a pretty popular band and has been out on the road for a while.  He was chatty and sometimes I forget what a great guy he is.  So we ended up talking for a couple hours, I bitched a lot about work and got kind of an awesome lead on that front.  I'm not going to comment on it because I am superstitious about some strange things, but if you have any prayers, good thoughts or your own good luck to spare, please send it my way!  Plus it was just a nice mellow night hanging out in good company, which is always awesome.

It seems like a good portion of my adult life has been me sitting up every couple years and saying, "man, I really don't like my job, how can I get myself into something I really want to be doing and enjoy?"  I do believe I get a little bit closer with each career step, but it's slow going.  Slowed also by the fact that what I really want to be doing changes every few years as well. I'm hindered as well by financial concerns, in a sort of you need money to make money kind of way. Can't get my own ventures off the ground without capital.  Alas.

Mostly though, the problem is that I'm waiting for whatever the right thing is going to be.  Like literally waiting for someone to show up and say, "hey, we've been looking for someone with your skill set to come do X thing that you've never even thought of before."  This isn't as lazy as it sounds.  I have been actively positioning myself around people in fields I want to work in and meeting people and discovering the existence of many jobs I'd never even considered the existence of.  I'm sure there's something out there for me that is a great fit that I haven't yet stumbled across.

Also, I'm willing to do pretty much anything for money, though that doesn't always work out for me. The chairman of our board at my day job is a guy I should see him almost never, however he's old, retired and bored and so he's in the office at least three days a week, calls me every day (some times up to 7 or 8 times) to see what's going on and generally makes me insane.  He's very nice, sweet, and all but incredibly annoying and generally not helpful. (Like today he came in a left me a stack of letters to mail, which he printed at home, so now I have retype all the addresses for the envelopes. ARG.)

Anyway, he's been writing a book, that he's self publishing and the publisher wants it copy edited.  He called me at work at the restaurant (since I won't give him my cell number) to ask if I'd help with this.  I said I'd look at the draft and give him a quote for it.  He bugged me every single day for two weeks about it, I repeatedly replied that my actual job was keeping me busy, but I'd get him a time estimate and hourly rate quote as soon as I could.  I finally got around to looking at it the other night, emailed him a quote with a really reduced rate per hour for copy editing. (Most folks charge between $40-50 per hour for copy editing--not just proofing but actual hard copy, printer's marks copy editing, which is what he wanted--I offered him $20/hr.)  So I send him my estimated hours, amount per/hr, total etc.  And he writes back and tells me he's already over budget for this VANITY project and can't pay for copy-editing, but thanks anyway.

Um, WTF?  I mean, I was very clear upfront and the whole way through that I charged for this kind of work.  I have literally no time to do it out of the kindness of my heart.  I don't really even have time to do it period, but I'd make time for the money, you know?  I'm just really irritated that he spent so much time bothering me, to tell me, in not so many words, that he wanted me to do it for free.  This instance aside, the guy is making my job satisfaction plummet.  Not only do I have to micromanage the director, who does not take advice well, but now I have to babysit the Board Chair, both on and off the job.  Lovely.

As I said, prayers, vibes, whatever, toward me climbing out of at least my work mess would be so much appreciated.