9 posts tagged “boys suck”

I set out for work.  It's snowing. Yuck.  I expect it to be dead at work, but no, it's super busy, the bar is packed. I look good, BND from yesterday's post is supposed to meet me for a drink after I get off work around 9:30-ish.  We're busy.  It thins out. At 9:10 HMP walks in. Of course, because I couldn't have normal date with a nice seeming boy without some complications.  HMP's grandmother just died, he's going home tomorrow, and his boyhood friend has been threatening suicide in email all day. AUGH. And it's me he comes to. Which I appreciate, but still.  I get him a drink. DD tells me to just clock out she gets me a drink.  I chat with HMP for a bit and then my phone rings.  It's BND.  I'll just transcribe the conversation for you:

me: Hello?
BND: Is this Lucy?
me: yeah
BND: Hi, uh, this is BND, I think we talked the other night?
me (confused): we did, yes.
BND: Well I was so drunk I couldn't remember if I said I'd come meet you tonight or said maybe or what.
me: ...
me: I think we said maybe
BND: Well, I'm not going to be able to make it up there tonight.
me: okay
BND: so, well, talk some time soon?
me: no, you don't need to call me again
BND: okay sorry.
me: bye
BND: bye

REALLY? I mean sure, I'm glad I know he's a fucking idiot before I wasted any time on him, but REALLY? Not even smart enough to say he just can't make it, or something, anything else.  He was too drunk when he called me to remember what he said to me.  Awesome.  Another keeper.

So I got off the phone, told HMP the whole story and he amused himself by making other possible excuses BND could have used which was pretty funny.  Then HMP left and I hung out with some of our regulars and bonded with DD over the incredible stupidity of boys.  Then I scraped 2 inches of snow off my car and drove home.

Now, I sitting here staring at my MySpace inbox, which contains another message from CK.  I can't decide if I should read it now and risk being so pissed I don't sleep.  Or if I should just let it go and worry about it tomorrow, later, some other time.

Two things: 1) I have the perfect plan for what to with the returned gift from CK.  It's clothing so I am going to give it to HB and feel smug every time he wears it. 2) This boy I see around the hood, we'll call him Boy Next Door, is very cute.  Friday night I left my card for him, with his coworker so he could pretend he next got it. Well he got it and called tonight.  I am in a much better mood now.  Plus DD brought us dinner and DD and FF sat around talking about beating CK to death with a shovel. Yes, I feel much better.

I slept poorly last night.  I  laid awake thinking, as always of things I need to get done, but it was equally blended last night with all the things I want to say to CK.  Mostly along the lines of how dare you even talk to me after how badly you made me feel; fuck you for making me feel so undervalued; how could you even just disappear like that with out even offering a lame excuse; and a little bit of I miss you which really makes me the angriest of all. Like I'm so mad at him for how he made me feel, but I'm even angrier at myself for letting myself be hurt like, for even know still wanting his attention enough that I'm hurt by the loss of it.

SNB upon seeing the comment from CK, said, "wow, that guy has BALLS."  If I was giving CK the benefit of the doubt I'd say he must have suffered a stroke or some severe memory loss to think it's okay to approach and address me casually.  Otherwise, he's clearly an arrogant bastard for even considering that he could off-handedly chat me up.  And the worst part really isn't how angry I already was, how hurt or anything, but how it makes my head bubble up with events and things from the past 7 or 8 weeks that I've been dying to talk to him about.  The entire situation from the beginning sucks.  I've barely cried over him at all and damn it, I don't want to start now.

So after what, now, 7+ weeks of not a peep, and CK decides the proper way to initiate contact is to leave a comment on my MySpace about how my recent pic looks?  Really? He's just so defective. I mean I guess I'm glad it ended before I invested too much more time or energy in the relationship.  On the one hand, I do miss being friends with him and I'm constantly finding things I want to talk to him about or share with him.  I don't have trouble being friends with exes, even asshat ones.  But on the other hand, I'm still so fucking pissed at him, that I couldn't go back to being friends with him without seriously laying into him about his jackassery. Which would probably end any friendship before it could start.  It's kind of a lose/lose situation.

I am so fucking tired.  My to-do list for tomorrow is fairly unrealistic.  Do you think the universe would notice if I just slept all day tomorrow?

Out of context, but from an actual conversation with HMP, he said, "I have a way of thinking things are normal when I guess they aren't."  So, so very true.

He's coming to visit me at the bar tonight. I'd put him off, or discourage this, except he's bringing his friend, CC, who lives a few states away and whom I absolutely adore, so I'll take HMP if it means getting to hang a little with CC.

Both HMP and CK are haunting my dreams now.  The CK ones are always me being extremely angry with him.  Throwing tantrums and screaming at him.  No mystery the meaning there.

Last night I dreamt I went to see HMP's new apartment.  In the dream it went on and on, room after room, filled with books and art crowded in all over the walls.  Huge windows, lots of light, lots of plants.  The was a doorway to his neighbor's apartment, which had no door in it (in fact there were no doors between any of the rooms).  His neighbor was a 40-ish woman and I suggested to HMP that it was weird that there were no boundaries between his apartment and his neighbor's.  He assured me that it was fine, it was normal and that many people lived like that. (It was my relaying of this dream to him, in less detail than this, that caused him to make the declaration from the opening line of this post).

The weirdest part about the dream though was that it was his apartment.  I have regularly recurring dreams on this theme (no barrier between my apt and my neighbors, rooms I didn't realize I had before, maze-like living spaces that go on an on), that are always my home and always in my home town.  This was very definitely in Nashville, and very much HMP's place.  Also with all the recent contact from him, I feel personally affronted, like he is intentionally infiltrating my dreams.

So HMP. Ha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am amused. I have no desire to date him.  If I think of him at all, I'm mostly annoyed. And then I think about the sex and have to refrain from calling him.  He, however, can not seem to stop calling, texting and IMing me.  Seriously, buddy, I do not want to make small talk with you.  I especially do not want to make it in text messages. But I am amused.  It's as if it's last February all over again, with a 180° turn.  It's like he's doing all he can to try and maintain my attention.  And I guess it's working, because I am thinking about him enough to write this, but I don't think ti's the kind of attention he wants. I simply can not express how satisfying it is to be all, "la la la la, I don't care.  Oh sex!  Okay!  Naw, not answering the phone when he calls the next day."  I swear, I'm not doing it out of malicious revenge or anything.  I don't hate him.  I don't wish him ill.  I'm just not at all on the dating track with him.  The sex was really damn good though.  I probably will mess up my amused aloofness by doing it again.

Still no word whatsoever from CK.  I'm trying not to be bitter, but the entire lack of closure makes it hard.  So, no, not over it yet, but hopefully soon.  I'd at least settle for being able to see his name pop up somewhere and not feel an awful twinge in my heart.

So I was an hour late to work this morning after spending the night with HMP.  I feel quite gratified, not just in the dirty sense, because while he is still potentially an insensitive jerk, I do remember now why I put up with it before. It's like our bodies were created by some mad scientist to fit and function perfectly together.  Having been with him again, I have to say, everyone else I've had sex with in the last year, well their stock just went down a few points.  There isn't much than can compete with how good HMP is. Or rather how good we are together.  Too bad it doesn't really extend past the physical. But damn, he's hot, sweet and it was a night well spent.  He tried to convince me to call into work and spend the day in bed with him, but I thought it best to get out of there as quickly as possible.  I expect he'll call me in the next couple weeks, but I'm hoping to resist temptation, so let's all cross our fingers that he doesn't call when I've been drinking and am lonely, because that will be my undoing.

I was talking to the girls at work the other night, and defined basically what I need in a long term partner.  When dating and in the early stages of a relationship, I do not need to be courted, flattered or charmed.  I mean, it's nice and all, but I'm good with just hanging out, talking, and getting all those necessary mutual likes and dislikes on the table, and the stories of that person's history.  That's enough for me.  But as the relationship goes on that's when I want the romance.  I want tiny surprise gifts just because he was thinking about me.  I want to feel like he's really interested in me and how I think and what I am creating. At the end of the day I want to feel like he's dying to touch me and that he feels more complete having shared life with me.  Obviously I want to feel the same way about him.  No tall order, that. Heh.

I am smart and fairly attractive.  I like to think I dress well.  I am, or can be, very friendly and outgoing, often quite flirty (with no intent, I can't flirt to save my life with people I'm actually interested in).  Because of this combination of traits (I guess) I often find a couple guys completely crushed out on me whom I would never ever date.  It's harmless, if a little sad, but sometimes utterly annoying.  Especially when they get a hold of my MySpace or something and start messaging me friendly little notes all day.  Ugh.  Like I'm fine talking to these guys at the bar when I'm working and they are hanging out.  I'm fine running into them out someplace and talking a bit.  But I am not going to date them ever.  They don't really want anything else from me, as much as they pretend we are just friends. They are still hoping  for more no matter how they try to spin it. This is a tiny group of guys, there are plenty of flirty, chatty guys I know, who I am not going to date, who I am just friends with.

I never know exactly what to do with these guys.  I mean, I try not to lead them on, not to let them think that I ever will go out with them.  But they are well intentioned and usually very nice guys, so I don't want to be cold, harsh or mean to them.  I just want them to stop annoying me.

I am aware that this is a stupid thing to complain about.  I mean, "Oh, woe, guys find me attractive and charming and want to talk to me, how tragic!" Yeah, I get it, just it feels a little invasive some times and I'm not sure how to balance it without being like, "Hey, you! Fuck off!"

I swear every year or there's a week or two in which people just come crawling out of hiding.  People I haven't seen in years and materialize right in a little clump.

This week I got two emails from two cute boys in two different bands I know.  Sadly they live far, far away and so will have to continue to be my pretend band boyfriends.  And then I got a an email from some one I haven't talked to in months asking if we were still friends in a somewhat confrontational way. Ack. And then a LinkedIn request from an old co-worker I seriously can not stand. And a handful of creepy MySpace propositions (those always seem to come in batches once every few months).  I just feel vaguely dirty like I need to shower after the recent spate of emails.

Why don't I get emails from hot, smart guys who are like, "I've just realized I've been in love with you for years"? Naw, I'd probably think that was creepy too.  I'd settle for being asked out by a nice, decent, hot guy, with a job and no emotional problems.

I don't have any trouble finding guys to date.  I readily admit I usually pick the wrong ones.  But honestly, the good ones all seem to be married or gay.  Yes, I know, every single girl complains about that, but that's because it's true. I'm not asking for much: no facial disfiguration, a steady income, no crazy emotional problems or weird past relationship baggage.  Are these guys out there? Do I intimidate them?  Are they just a made up bedtime story for single girls, like leprechauns and all are for kids?

Um, got waylaid. This was about what's going on in the universe that people are crawling out of the woodwork.  What will come next, surprise calls from my ex-husband? Or maybe a rich long-lost relative?