34 posts tagged “ck”

I set out for work.  It's snowing. Yuck.  I expect it to be dead at work, but no, it's super busy, the bar is packed. I look good, BND from yesterday's post is supposed to meet me for a drink after I get off work around 9:30-ish.  We're busy.  It thins out. At 9:10 HMP walks in. Of course, because I couldn't have normal date with a nice seeming boy without some complications.  HMP's grandmother just died, he's going home tomorrow, and his boyhood friend has been threatening suicide in email all day. AUGH. And it's me he comes to. Which I appreciate, but still.  I get him a drink. DD tells me to just clock out she gets me a drink.  I chat with HMP for a bit and then my phone rings.  It's BND.  I'll just transcribe the conversation for you:

me: Hello?
BND: Is this Lucy?
me: yeah
BND: Hi, uh, this is BND, I think we talked the other night?
me (confused): we did, yes.
BND: Well I was so drunk I couldn't remember if I said I'd come meet you tonight or said maybe or what.
me: ...
me: I think we said maybe
BND: Well, I'm not going to be able to make it up there tonight.
me: okay
BND: so, well, talk some time soon?
me: no, you don't need to call me again
BND: okay sorry.
me: bye
BND: bye

REALLY? I mean sure, I'm glad I know he's a fucking idiot before I wasted any time on him, but REALLY? Not even smart enough to say he just can't make it, or something, anything else.  He was too drunk when he called me to remember what he said to me.  Awesome.  Another keeper.

So I got off the phone, told HMP the whole story and he amused himself by making other possible excuses BND could have used which was pretty funny.  Then HMP left and I hung out with some of our regulars and bonded with DD over the incredible stupidity of boys.  Then I scraped 2 inches of snow off my car and drove home.

Now, I sitting here staring at my MySpace inbox, which contains another message from CK.  I can't decide if I should read it now and risk being so pissed I don't sleep.  Or if I should just let it go and worry about it tomorrow, later, some other time.

Two things: 1) I have the perfect plan for what to with the returned gift from CK.  It's clothing so I am going to give it to HB and feel smug every time he wears it. 2) This boy I see around the hood, we'll call him Boy Next Door, is very cute.  Friday night I left my card for him, with his coworker so he could pretend he next got it. Well he got it and called tonight.  I am in a much better mood now.  Plus DD brought us dinner and DD and FF sat around talking about beating CK to death with a shovel. Yes, I feel much better.

So I came home today to find the Christmas present I sent CK, two months ago, on my doorstep, unopened, marked "return to sender."  Perhaps I'll spend the rest of the day watching Steel Magnolias and jabbing myself repeatedly with pins.  That's got to feel better than I do right now.

I slept poorly last night.  I  laid awake thinking, as always of things I need to get done, but it was equally blended last night with all the things I want to say to CK.  Mostly along the lines of how dare you even talk to me after how badly you made me feel; fuck you for making me feel so undervalued; how could you even just disappear like that with out even offering a lame excuse; and a little bit of I miss you which really makes me the angriest of all. Like I'm so mad at him for how he made me feel, but I'm even angrier at myself for letting myself be hurt like, for even know still wanting his attention enough that I'm hurt by the loss of it.

SNB upon seeing the comment from CK, said, "wow, that guy has BALLS."  If I was giving CK the benefit of the doubt I'd say he must have suffered a stroke or some severe memory loss to think it's okay to approach and address me casually.  Otherwise, he's clearly an arrogant bastard for even considering that he could off-handedly chat me up.  And the worst part really isn't how angry I already was, how hurt or anything, but how it makes my head bubble up with events and things from the past 7 or 8 weeks that I've been dying to talk to him about.  The entire situation from the beginning sucks.  I've barely cried over him at all and damn it, I don't want to start now.

So after what, now, 7+ weeks of not a peep, and CK decides the proper way to initiate contact is to leave a comment on my MySpace about how my recent pic looks?  Really? He's just so defective. I mean I guess I'm glad it ended before I invested too much more time or energy in the relationship.  On the one hand, I do miss being friends with him and I'm constantly finding things I want to talk to him about or share with him.  I don't have trouble being friends with exes, even asshat ones.  But on the other hand, I'm still so fucking pissed at him, that I couldn't go back to being friends with him without seriously laying into him about his jackassery. Which would probably end any friendship before it could start.  It's kind of a lose/lose situation.

I am so fucking tired.  My to-do list for tomorrow is fairly unrealistic.  Do you think the universe would notice if I just slept all day tomorrow?

Out of context, but from an actual conversation with HMP, he said, "I have a way of thinking things are normal when I guess they aren't."  So, so very true.

He's coming to visit me at the bar tonight. I'd put him off, or discourage this, except he's bringing his friend, CC, who lives a few states away and whom I absolutely adore, so I'll take HMP if it means getting to hang a little with CC.

Both HMP and CK are haunting my dreams now.  The CK ones are always me being extremely angry with him.  Throwing tantrums and screaming at him.  No mystery the meaning there.

Last night I dreamt I went to see HMP's new apartment.  In the dream it went on and on, room after room, filled with books and art crowded in all over the walls.  Huge windows, lots of light, lots of plants.  The was a doorway to his neighbor's apartment, which had no door in it (in fact there were no doors between any of the rooms).  His neighbor was a 40-ish woman and I suggested to HMP that it was weird that there were no boundaries between his apartment and his neighbor's.  He assured me that it was fine, it was normal and that many people lived like that. (It was my relaying of this dream to him, in less detail than this, that caused him to make the declaration from the opening line of this post).

The weirdest part about the dream though was that it was his apartment.  I have regularly recurring dreams on this theme (no barrier between my apt and my neighbors, rooms I didn't realize I had before, maze-like living spaces that go on an on), that are always my home and always in my home town.  This was very definitely in Nashville, and very much HMP's place.  Also with all the recent contact from him, I feel personally affronted, like he is intentionally infiltrating my dreams.

So HMP. Ha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am amused. I have no desire to date him.  If I think of him at all, I'm mostly annoyed. And then I think about the sex and have to refrain from calling him.  He, however, can not seem to stop calling, texting and IMing me.  Seriously, buddy, I do not want to make small talk with you.  I especially do not want to make it in text messages. But I am amused.  It's as if it's last February all over again, with a 180° turn.  It's like he's doing all he can to try and maintain my attention.  And I guess it's working, because I am thinking about him enough to write this, but I don't think ti's the kind of attention he wants. I simply can not express how satisfying it is to be all, "la la la la, I don't care.  Oh sex!  Okay!  Naw, not answering the phone when he calls the next day."  I swear, I'm not doing it out of malicious revenge or anything.  I don't hate him.  I don't wish him ill.  I'm just not at all on the dating track with him.  The sex was really damn good though.  I probably will mess up my amused aloofness by doing it again.

Still no word whatsoever from CK.  I'm trying not to be bitter, but the entire lack of closure makes it hard.  So, no, not over it yet, but hopefully soon.  I'd at least settle for being able to see his name pop up somewhere and not feel an awful twinge in my heart.

Do you think real love can last throughout any distance, or will long distance end most relationships? 
Submitted by Miss Joy.

HAHAHAHAHA!  I am so not the right person to ask this question of right now.

Seriously, I don't think they all fail.  I know several people who are doing it now, or have made it work them in the long run.  Though in the long run, it generally stops being a long distance thing.

Still no word form CK.  He can take his childish ass and fuck right off.  As my nearest and dearest said, he could have at least given me the coward's break up in text messages.  But no, not a peep.  So I did the only thing a girl like me can do, went right out and slept with someone else.

We didn't actually have sex (erm, depending on how you're defining sex), but we fooled around a lot.  We went for a drink, talked for forever, went back to his place, talked more, made out, I spent the night, and we fooled around more in the morning. Then he made coffee and breakfast in bed, and we laid around in our underwear and watched Repo Man. So overall, as far as dates go, pretty much excellent.

Not a thing though, just some guy I'm friends with and now, it would appear, friends with benefits.  That's cool though.

As far as break-ups go, I'm all over the place.  Like I have no closure, no idea if I did something, or he met someone else, or just decided I wasn't worthy or what.  Which I find pretty upsetting.  But since it was long distance, and he hasn't been calling much for weeks now, I'm not really feeling the loss in every day life.  Mostly I'm pretty practical and matter of fact about it.  I haven't cried much yet, but am still expecting a massive breakdown over the whole thing.  I can feel it bubbling up inside me.

Of course HB came out of the woodwork right as all this was going down (though as far as I know he had no idea it was going down) and he's been making an effort to hang out with me a lot and asked to work on a long term collaborative artistic project with him.  This is awesome, as we are just friends and I love hanging out with him.  However in the past week I have had the following conversation no less than five times:

well meaning close friend: "how's CK?"
me: *explains the jackassery*
wmcf: "oh sweetie, I'm sorry."
me: "it's okay, I'll be fine"
wmcf: "I don't understand why you aren't just dating HB anyway."
me: "..."

Seriously, it's like a conspiracy, except most the people I had this conversation with don't know each well enough to conspire about anything.  So, I am back to fantasizing about dating HB, but I think I'm best leaving it at that.  At least for now, until I get my equilibrium back.

HA!!  Okay, HB just called while I was typing this to see if I wanted to go "hang out"  When I told him I was sick, he prodded and poked, until I explained the coughing, the snot, the unshoweredness and the firm position on the couch in sweatpants.  "Ew, maybe I don't wanna see you," he replied.  "Naw, I still do, but you don't, so call me when you're better.  Maybe tomorrow or Thursday?"  *sigh* He really is such a good boy.  Even my mom loves him, she was talking all about him on the phone last night.  There's no escaping it. Clearly, she's conspiring with my friends.