7 posts tagged “cmb”

Do you guys remember CMB? Well he came into the bar last night for the first time in months.  As he was coming in, someone he knew was going out, and while CMB clearly was trying to initiate conversation with me, his friend waylaid him just long enough for me to get really busy.  10 minutes later when I had a second, CMB was gone, gone, gone.  He managed to say hi, wish me a happy Valentine's Day, and look like he had something else to say and that was it.  Boo.  I don't even want to date him.  Last night in my feverish state I was amusing (or at least occupying) myself, b thinking about what would happen if I told him that I thought we had a connection, but I didn't want to do more than sex him, and then maybe, whatever, we'd see where it went.  There's surely very few guys that would object to this.  I'd never do it though, well never with CMB, other guys maybe. Anyway, I don't think I'm even making sense.  I'm utterly sleep deprived.

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Last night I was so miserable, feverish, congested, exhausted, alone.  I guess I could have woken up FF or one of my other friends and had them go to the all-night pharmacy for me, but I didn't.  Instead I laid in bed and thought about how being sick is the most miserable and lonely part of being single.  About how, though we had our problems, my ex-husband would have gotten up and dressed in the middle of the night and gone to the store to get something to make me feel better. Which since I couldn't sleep led me to wonder how, nine years after we divorced, he could still even cross my mind.  And I remembered that I dreamt about him the other night. A dream in which he was remodeling his house with all these amazing skylight filled rooms and suddenly I found myself outside his house, admiring the remodel and how he'd made it look like a fairytale castle but I couldn't get inside, I could only appreciate it from the outside, while my ex-husband and his new family were inside. I'd just like to give my brain a big, F- You for that bit of sleep psychology. Ugh.

Despite all that I feel okay today, I mean still hideously sick, but not really miserable.

I haven't done a single interesting thing in the last tens days.  Day job is for shit right now, taking up way too much of my time and requiring too much thought and not rewarding me in an acceptable manner. Sucktastic. CK has been similarly busy and we've been barely able to talk, and when we can it's not more than counting down the days until we see each other and complaining about how busy we are.

So yesterday was DD's birthday and we threw a party for her.  As one of her gifts she got this book that you're supposed to hold closed, then ask it a question and open it to a random page to get your answer.  Like some really lame fortune telling thing.  Several people through out the night try it, asking the questions silently to themselves and every one puts the book down, disgusted, totally unhappy with the answers they got.  At some point I'm sitting with FF and HB and I pick it up and ask it several questions about HB and CK.  The gist of the answers I got was basically that HB is obviously in love with me, I should examine my feelings about him and we are destined to be together.  CK, the book informed me, wasn't my one true love, but that I'd be supported if I was with him and I didn't know  how it would be with until I tried.

Now I don't believe in fortune-telling.  I mean, there's no predestination or anything.  But I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecies.  I mean, all last week was I thinking of anything other than my giddiness over spending a few days with CK? No. A few randomly choses pages from a book and suddenly I doubt and I wonder if in fact I should hold out for HB, for however long it take him to come around (years for sure).  If perhaps I'm going to invest too much in CK and get burned, or make the wrong choice choose the wrong guy.  If I carry on thinking like that, I've made the cheezy book's fortune-telling come true.

But I'm aware of all that, so I already went through those worries a few hours after the question asking.  Now I've moved on to the deeper implications.  And really, the answers it gave me were true, depending on my interpretation.  If CK is the guy for me, it will take some work.  It might be worth the effort, but there is going to be a price to pay for that happiness.  Whether it's just the long distance thing and the drama it brings or a harder row to how of our personalities clashing.  It could be a Herculean effort, but I expect it would, in the end, pay off.  I'm only wildly speculating here, but I also think the harder it is, the better it will turn out to be.  I"m not sure why.  This could be rationalization or fantasizing on my part.

HB on the other hand, probably is love with me.  Yes, it's obvious. I'm sure we are destined to be together forever, though probably not as lover or romantic parters or married or whatever.  The idea of that seems like massive disaster waiting to happen. So, I can only hope we'll both live through the painful part of this and go on to some calmer, less angst-ridden relationship, where we are solidly there for watch other forever, mostly likely as friends and some sort of collaborative partners.  Again, I imagine it's me that ends up managing his career, though that too is clearly fantasy, albeit not impossible.

So I guess the lame book made me think more about the answers I already knew.  Which perhaps means it worked or whatever.  I still maintain that fortune-telling is stupid.  But I did get answers I found distasteful until I really thought about them.  I wonder if it worked for anyone else at the party?

Countdown to CK: 12 days.  I'm doing my best not to have any expectations at all about the trip.  I'm just going to visit with one of my girlfriends I haven't seen in a while and spend time with a cute and interesting boy.  If something more happens then bonus, right?

Also a random bit of flitty girliness: CK called me last night, he was busy, out to dinner with friends but the song in the restaurant made him think of me so he called, just for a second. SWOON.

And I saw CMB over the weekend.  So completely over him. Utterly done.

I went to work at the restaurant tonight in a shockingly good mood despite having clearly been an emotional wreck earlier.  Day job was abysmal.  FF and I went shopping after, looking for shorts for an outdoor concert we're going to this weekend.  We were too late.  It's all fall clothes now and size 0s on the clearance racks. Bah.

Work was busy tonight, but I was working with two of my favorite girls and CMB came in at the end of my shift.  I got him a beer (on the house) and said I'd be over, but it was busy and took like 30 minutes.  I left the other girls kind of in the weeds and went and had a beer with him anyway.  We talked about the Katrina anniversary, the band playing, work, the new art in the bar (we have a new "gallery" shows every month) all only sort of 'cause it was loud in there.  Then we went out to smoke and stand in the glorious, delicious rain.  He asked about my day job and talked about his.  Then he he hugged me and said definitely again in the future. So it was...something.  Of course we parted ways, I got in my car and realized that my hair was an insane mess.  The tight knot at my neck had come loose and was all over the place.  *sigh*  I guess if comes back after that he's clearly not totally shallow. ETA: OMG I forgot he was wearing my shirt!  My pirate t-shirt that I love!  I got it at Target and so did he and we bonded over good t-shirts.  SAME PIRATE T-SHIRT.  That means something, right?  No, you're right, probably not.

I came home in super good mood (and hopefully not fired from fucking off when it was busy to go talk to him), to find all the lights on, the stereo playing, and no one here.  Everyone in the household had gone off to a show.  Not before ordering pizza and not leaving me any. Feh.  Usually I love a house to myself, but I wanted company tonight.  And maybe food.  Bleh.

Man, CMB's really cute.  He usually looks concerned or sort of emo, but he has this smile. I'm posting a photo that I stole off his MySpace page, only viewable by my neighborhood because I'm giddy and want to share, but still feeling like I need to be not too revealing in case someone I know really does find this.  Silly I guess.  But he's CUTE.  See?

I still think this probably going nowhere.  But I want him.  When he hugged me it was pretty much all I could do not to beg him to come over and hang out with me more.  I don't know.  He's hot.  He tours a lot.  He probably has girls throwing themselves at him all the time.  Maybe he's just feeling me out to see if I'm groupie-like or actually interested in him as a person.  Which I am.  I see enough fucking musicians to not be impressed easily.  He looks really good in jeans though.  That impresses me.

Now, I'm sitting here, wondering what to do next.  I already tried to call both my sister and my mom, which is sure sign of desperation for conversation (not that they aren't cool, but they come with more issues than a magazine stand).  I guess I'll crack a beer and find some food that sadly won't be convenient pizza just sitting around waiting for me.  Then I'll go stalk CMB's MySpace page some more to see what kind fo comments he gets from girls.  MySpace is seriously a pit of hell designed to make girls like hate themselves for looking at it and seeing what other girls do.  Yuck.  Hmm, maybe I'll watch TV instead.

Promise - Violent Femmes

Neither CMB nor HSG showed up for the party last night.  Not unexpected.  Heartbreaker brought his new girlfriend whom he is apparently "serious" about now.  I was indifferent to her until they left and all our other friends started tearing her apart.  Apparently no one really hates her, but no one wants her with HB.  In the end the whole evening left me feeling bored, lonely, a little heartbroken and pretty miserable.

Oleander

2 comments

Seriously, I should go back to obsessing over shoes and more shallow things, rather than boys.  Much less heartbreak involved all around.  I don't know if it's the impending full moon, PMS or what, but today I swear I'd be happier never leaving my house again or interacting with other  people.  It all seems like too much work.

I do feel like every possibility romantically for the future has slipped away like sand through my fingers.  It's irrelevant I guess, plenty of fish in the sea and all that.  But Dazzle Doll brought her new boy last night and he was amazing (not my type but perfect for her) and just seeing HB made me feel awful.  I'm really sure this is PMS induced misery and I'll be fine tomorrow.  At least hopefully I won't be sitting at my desk, nearly in tears, worrying that no one will ever love me.  I mean really, what kind of craziness is that?  Also it sucks to be hyper self-aware.  I mean, can't I just wallow in my hormonal misery? Do I have to even try and put that in perspective? 

If I didn't have so damn much to do, I'd spend the day surfing Zappos.com, in some insane shoe shopping binge.

Last night I had an elaborate, detailed dream about some imaginary guy made up by my brain.  He was, shockingly, a musician.  In the dream I found him kind of obnoxious at first but then he started to grow on me.  Later in the dream I found out he was a widower, from a famous and highly publicized accident that killed his wife, sister and brother-in-law and he was raising his sister's kid by himself (she was an infant when her parents died).  The guy (man, I wish I could remember his name from the dream, though the kid's name was unfortunately Raven) was this like post-punk industrial musician (so not what I am into at all) and had all these rowdy, sober friends who were always running around the yard screaming and doing skateboard tricks and shaving patches of hair off each others heads and talking about about politics and bringing about the revolution and such. Or acting like they were on an episode of Jackass.  Basically, dream guy was some manifestation of the guys I hung out with in high school and the polar opposite of the kind of people I usually date now.  Hello, brain, trying to tell me something?

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So I guess I kind of did jinx myself last time I posted.  The two guys I'd narrowed it down to are pretty much off the table now. CMB came by the restaurant Friday for a post-work beer.  We chatted, he seemed tired (he did mention a hard week), I was very busy and he left without saying goodbye.  My best friend was bartending that night and she invited him to social event this weekend at our place (she lives next door) and she reported that he looked vaguely confused.  I'd invited him earlier in the week.  Who knows, maybe he thought she was hitting on him (which would be funny since, then he'd clearly think everyone who works at the restaurant is either hot for him or really slutty).  Or maybe he didn't realize she and I were talking about the same event.  In any case I can not get a read on him.  Best friend, let's call her Dazzle Doll, said she thinks CMB is weird or that something is going on with him.  Leaving DD and I speculating if he perhaps had a girlfriend but is looking around for something better (yuck) or maybe he thinks we're gay or something.  God I don't know.  Anyway, if he doesn't show up tonight I'm going to assume he's just not interested and move on.

The other guy, Hot Southern Gentleman, I just give up on him.  I saw his band play last night, hung out with him a bit, chatted with his friends.  I have done everything short of throwing myself in his lap or flashing him my tits (neither of which I think would do any good as HSG is full of manners and all, you know, gentlemanly, so it would just embarrass him).  And everything I've done has resulted in nothing.  I've asked him out he's been cheerful, pleasant and non-committal.  He's come by work when I'm getting of shift and had a beer with me, stayed until we closed talking.  He insists, despite having been invited a dozen times and never having shown up, that he will come have dinner with the merry band of girls at my house.  He's always very nice to me, even though he's, among other things, clearly very shy.  He treats me as someone he genuinely likes and respects as a friend.  HSG is either willfully oblivious to my attempts to hit on him or ask him out, or he is genuinely aware.  If it's the former, then I'll just end up humiliating myself if I keep it up.  If it's the latter then I just don't know what else I can do that I haven't already done, short of maybe saying, "Hey, I really like you, are you at all in pursuing something there?"  Which honestly is a little bold, even for me and would also probably be very awkward for him.  So I release the whole thing.  I'm trying not to be negative about it, to say it will clearly never happen.  I'm just letting it go.

So it was an insane night at work.  SI almost got punched in the face when I told her she had new table... Let me back up, it was busy, and five tables left at once.  The place was full and I had four new tables come in.  I'm rushing around, trying to get the tables cleared, because the girls weren't bussing like they are supposed to (not their fault, it was busy) but I've got four tables waiting to be seated and I'm running around, taking glasses back to the kitchen and it's madness and I get a table cleared, get people seated and tell SI she has a new table.  She tells me to fuck off.  No really, she tried to play it like she was joking, but you know, I take that from my friends not from cockblocking stick insects.  Anyway, I told her off and all night the other waitresses and the cook were fluttering around me asking if I was going to punch her in the face (they were all standing there when she said it).

Luckily, I had control of the music in the restaurant and it was great and my friends had been in and I had enough good humour to go around. And...

The boy from last night came back in.  We'll call him Carpenter Musician Boy. My friend saw him at the bar (I was rushing around) and assured me he was watching me and clearly waiting to talk to me.  I got a break and he was outside smoking, so I went out and we chatted.  After last night's episode I emailed him about some work stuff (my music business stuff) and then invited him to the regular Sunday dinner potlucks at our house and then told him to come by work and have a drink.  So today he came for the drink (sadly I was too busy to chat much) then he accepted my invitation for dinner at our house.  Not a date, just a casual thing with lots of other people around. Safe and entirely made of Awesome. CMB, he is even cuter in his t-shirt and tennis shoes. Well no, the tight jeans, cowboy boots and cowboy shirts also look good on him.  He's tall and skinny and dark.  Exactly my type.  God.  I've clearly had a few beers because now I'm wondering what he looks like without his clothes.

More as the story unfolds.

This morning while describing my night to a friend he said, "Wow...that is graduate level cockblockery." And indeed it was.

This girl at work, SI (Stick Insect), always wants to hang with me.  Well she always wants to hang with everyone, she's insanely insecure, overly concerned with appearances and generally annoying like a 15 year old trying hang with the cool kids in the smoking section.

Last night I let the bartender talk me into staying for a drink when my shift was over.  SI got off around the same time and decided she was going to hang too.  I dislike her, but don't get me wrong, she hasn't really done anything specifically to me and I am very nice to her, in the interest of keeping work a pleasant place to be for everyone.

After a bit this cute guy I sort of know comes in alone and sits at the bar near us.  I have a bad second where I can't remember his name and I mention it to SI, who tells me he's cute, says I should ask him out and offers to introduce herself to him to get past the embarrassing, oh-shit-I-can't-remember-his-name thing.  Okay, yeah, I mean everyone needs a wingman sometimes, right?

One, however, should do a thorough background check on the wingman first, lest they get cockblocked instead. SI proceeded to sit between this guy and me at such angle at the bar that he and I can't hear each other talk and she can block his view of me with her her skinny, stick insect body. Then she does everything short of rubbing her tits on him.  I may as well have not existed.  I gave up after a couple minutes and went back to talking to the bartender, since that  was the real reason I was there in the first place.

I do actually believe that all's fair in love (not sure about war though), but I'm super pissed off because SI has a boyfriend of several years.   They live together.  I believe they may actually be engaged, though I've never asked her enough about her life to know for sure.  So this wasn't competition for the affections of a hot guy.  This was about her needing attention and diverting it from everyone else.  This was for me, as a reasonably attractive single girl, a chance to maybe make a connection with a decent guy, or at least get a hot hook-up, completely destroyed by some super skinny girl's insecurities.

I talked to the bartender and one of the other waitresses and apparently SI does this all the time.  She flirts and simpers and practically sits in the lap of any guy one of the other girls expresses interest in.  Like she has to prove that she's better, I guess.

I'm not sure if there is a Girl Code, but if there is, SI broke it and earned my undying enmity.  Being single and putting yourself out there is hard enough.  I don't need more obstacles.  I create enough of those myself.