3 posts tagged “dd”
Two things: 1) I have the perfect plan for what to with the returned gift from CK. It's clothing so I am going to give it to HB and feel smug every time he wears it. 2) This boy I see around the hood, we'll call him Boy Next Door, is very cute. Friday night I left my card for him, with his coworker so he could pretend he next got it. Well he got it and called tonight. I am in a much better mood now. Plus DD brought us dinner and DD and FF sat around talking about beating CK to death with a shovel. Yes, I feel much better.
I really haven't stopped beating myself up over Heartbreaker. I am over it, for a few hours here and there. And then something happens and I get upset again. The worst part is that I'm not letting myself just fall apart for a little while, or even being entirely honest with myself about how I feel.
When I try and look at the whole thing it just feels like I've been in denial or looking at the whole thing peripherally for far too long. I've said to DD a million times, "oh, it's just not meant to be" or "clearly he isn't for me," or "This is isn't the time, maybe in the future." And each time she looked at me so sympathetically and said, "But are you in love with him?" Every single time I just looked away and said, "It doesn't matter," and went on seeing him every day, being his pal, hanging out and waiting, perhaps a little too desperately, for the midnight phone calls where he'd whisper, "can I come sleep with you?" I'd say yes and in the mornings we'd kiss good-bye as the sun came up and go right back to acting like everything was normal and we were fine friends. It couldn't matter because it was never going to be more than that anyway.
But I guess it does matter if I'm this destroyed that he's chosen someone over me. I suppose not having him was okay as long as he didn't have anyone else? Worse yet he doesn't come over to hang out as much. Not as much means I see him once a week instead 4 or 5 days a week, so the girlfriend means I feel like I'm losing him as a friend too. Maybe it's harder because no one but DD and couple other friends in far away cities knew about the midnight assignations, or how I really felt about him, so I go on acting to all our friends like everything is perfectly normal.
I stand by all my reasons that it wouldn't work out between us: He's too young, we're at different places in our lives, the confluence of rivalry and jealousy among our friends would make it too hard. It really doesn't matter if I'm in love with him, as now isn't the time or the place. Life isn't fair and you don't always get what you want. I feel sort of like I do when someone dies: there's nothing to be done but push through, live each day and try and try and try to be happy despite the loss and hurt. I realize though that I've been feeling that way about HB for months, even before there was his girlfriend for me to frame it all around.
Of course I started my period right while I was writing this. Now I have to work even harder not to devalue how I feel and just write it off as hormonal emotionalism. It is okay to be upset over him. It is okay to feel hurt by all of it just being the worst timing since the day we met. I can move on. It's okay to cry. It's okay not to cry and just be angry instead.
And now I'm done with the slightly negative positive affirmation part of the day. It's raining here and this makes me very, very happy. I'm pretty sure the drought is spiraling out from the hellmouth (Alabama, also where HB is from--coincidence? Heh) and has been sucking my soul away with the lack of water. I'm going to go stand outside and let it fall on my face until I'm not thinking about anything at all.
-- While I'm in here editing this to add the song, I'd like to say that the HB thing isn't one sided. When he came over for the party last Sunday, I didn't see him when he came in but found him later in the kitchen. He hugged me for a very long time, tightly, pressing his face down into my hair and not saying anything at all. He was very affectionate when he left as well, though several people were present. Our closeness isn't in question, and as friends it's acknowledged by all our peers. Just the possibility of romance that will never be is a stumbling block of sorts for us.
Neither CMB nor HSG showed up for the party last night. Not unexpected. Heartbreaker brought his new girlfriend whom he is apparently "serious" about now. I was indifferent to her until they left and all our other friends started tearing her apart. Apparently no one really hates her, but no one wants her with HB. In the end the whole evening left me feeling bored, lonely, a little heartbroken and pretty miserable.
Seriously, I should go back to obsessing over shoes and more shallow things, rather than boys. Much less heartbreak involved all around. I don't know if it's the impending full moon, PMS or what, but today I swear I'd be happier never leaving my house again or interacting with other people. It all seems like too much work.
I do feel like every possibility romantically for the future has slipped away like sand through my fingers. It's irrelevant I guess, plenty of fish in the sea and all that. But Dazzle Doll brought her new boy last night and he was amazing (not my type but perfect for her) and just seeing HB made me feel awful. I'm really sure this is PMS induced misery and I'll be fine tomorrow. At least hopefully I won't be sitting at my desk, nearly in tears, worrying that no one will ever love me. I mean really, what kind of craziness is that? Also it sucks to be hyper self-aware. I mean, can't I just wallow in my hormonal misery? Do I have to even try and put that in perspective?
If I didn't have so damn much to do, I'd spend the day surfing Zappos.com, in some insane shoe shopping binge.
