3 posts tagged “dreamtime”
It stormed like crazy tonight. Nothing was safe from the water, the wind sent the rain horizontal. Everything on the porch is wet. I got caught out in it and came in soaked to the skin.
Now I'm dry and warm, bundled up in bed listening to my iPod which is giving me nothing but an endless stream of sad songs. This might be because I listen mostly to sad music? I don't know. I'm sure I listen to happy music too, it just doesn't seem to be coming up on shuffle tonight.
I don't know if I was lonely before the string of sad songs, or if it's an outcome of that. I hate CK being so far away. Seriously I don't know if I can do this. I just want to curl up with him tonight, we wouldn't even have to talk, but it's not a choice I have.
I need to call my mom, but I keep putting it off. I might feel better if I talk to her. I might feel worse. I can't if the positive possibility is worth the risk of calling. 50% chance I'll get off the phone and just be horribly guilty for moving so far away and homesick too. I don't know if I could take that on a night like this.
Is it High Fidelity where the protagonist asks which came first the pop song or the feeling of it? I feel like that now. So many sad country songs I can't help but wonder if I'd be cheerful on a stormy fall night, all alone, if I listened only to polka music or something? Well, maybe not polka specifically, because that would make anyone suicidal, but you get the point.
I have gotten a lot of work done in the last couple days. Not as much as I'd like, but I'm trying to remind myself that I can only do so much, that it's okay to spend part of the evening watching Heroes (even if it is sucking this season), that I am accomplishing things, and I can't rush things because it doesn't make more get done. I've been trying to set small goals for myself, in 10 and 30 day increments (well I start with 10 and hope to make it to 30). I think the next will be to spend 30 minutes a day meditating. I'll go easy and include walking alone in the park etc. anytime I'm alone, undistracted and thinking. I have been so out of practice that I think I need to go back and start contemplating the Four Noble Truths that Buddha gained understanding of when he sat beneath the bodhi tree:
- Nothing lasts forever
- Suffering comes from attachment and desire
- The end of suffering is attainable
- Through living by the Noble Eightfold path (which is basically speaking, acting and thinking in a right or morally correct way).
I didn't mean for this to turn into a lesson, but now I'm thinking about it. Because the meditative aspects of Buddhism have always worked for me int the past, particularly my personal understand of that the Eightfold Path means and how to follow it. Actual serious Buddhist practice is beyond me. I was raised with it and I can't commit to the five basic precepts (essentially vegetarianism, abstinence from intoxicants, no lying, stealing or killing, no rape or sexual violence--obviously it's only the first two that trip me up, the rest are fairly easy for me and, hopefully, most people). I have never been able to commit myself in the way necessary to follow the closest thing I have to religion. I suppose I should start by meditating on why that is. Ha! Um, I find that really funny. The whole thing is so circular.
I had a point? Oh, yes, regular meditation. I find just keeping this blog has made me much more introspective than I have been in recent months and that's helpful, but perhaps I need to go a little deeper. I often think of myself as the loneliest girl around, or the loneliest one in a crowd. I need to let go of whatever makes me feel that way. I just can't ever seem to slow down enough to think deeply enough to find the release switch to drop whatever I'm clinging to that makes me feel so empty.
Holy shit, man, I'm seriously contemplating not posting this at all. How did I end up talking about all this anyway?
Yesterday was a total write-off. Couldn't get most the work I needed to do during the day done as everyone was out of the office (today is turning out to be much the same). The restaurant was slow and uneventful and I got cut a couple hours early. Which was fine it was too slow for anyone to make any tips. I spent the late part of the evening answering emails, drinking whiskey, eating chips and watching a silly romantic comedy with FF.
In the vein of "wearing sweatpants outside the house means you've given up on life" (thank you, Seinfeld), I bought myself a new dress yesterday. Now it needs shoes. I'm thinking brown peep-toe pumps, yes? Of course I have no place to wear this dress. Perhaps a suitable boy will appear and whisk me away on real date somewhere. Then it will have purpose. Otherwise I might just sit around the house drinking cheap beer out of a can and wear it then, barefoot but with a tiara or something. At least if I'm going to be alone and bored I can look like a pretty princess, eh? That allows me the fantasy that prince will just show up. Um, yeah, perhaps no more romantic comedies before bed for me.
Speaking of, I had a really long involved dream last night in which I had a boyfriend and then got carjacked and driven around forever after which I had a better boyfriend. It's unclear whether the better boyfriend rescued me from the carjacker or if I was actually dating the carjacker. He was a good boyfriend though, went to shows with me and was supportive and fun. Although later in the dream there turned out to be some sort of arch nemesis he had. A super villain of sorts, whose office I was in and I was going through his drawers looking for pack of cigarettes and instead found a lot of weird and antique pornography. I think I was trapped there? And the boyfriend came to rescue me. Um, yes, perhaps it's best not to read too much into the dream.
Last night I had an elaborate, detailed dream about some imaginary guy made up by my brain. He was, shockingly, a musician. In the dream I found him kind of obnoxious at first but then he started to grow on me. Later in the dream I found out he was a widower, from a famous and highly publicized accident that killed his wife, sister and brother-in-law and he was raising his sister's kid by himself (she was an infant when her parents died). The guy (man, I wish I could remember his name from the dream, though the kid's name was unfortunately Raven) was this like post-punk industrial musician (so not what I am into at all) and had all these rowdy, sober friends who were always running around the yard screaming and doing skateboard tricks and shaving patches of hair off each others heads and talking about about politics and bringing about the revolution and such. Or acting like they were on an episode of Jackass. Basically, dream guy was some manifestation of the guys I hung out with in high school and the polar opposite of the kind of people I usually date now. Hello, brain, trying to tell me something?
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So I guess I kind of did jinx myself last time I posted. The two guys I'd narrowed it down to are pretty much off the table now. CMB came by the restaurant Friday for a post-work beer. We chatted, he seemed tired (he did mention a hard week), I was very busy and he left without saying goodbye. My best friend was bartending that night and she invited him to social event this weekend at our place (she lives next door) and she reported that he looked vaguely confused. I'd invited him earlier in the week. Who knows, maybe he thought she was hitting on him (which would be funny since, then he'd clearly think everyone who works at the restaurant is either hot for him or really slutty). Or maybe he didn't realize she and I were talking about the same event. In any case I can not get a read on him. Best friend, let's call her Dazzle Doll, said she thinks CMB is weird or that something is going on with him. Leaving DD and I speculating if he perhaps had a girlfriend but is looking around for something better (yuck) or maybe he thinks we're gay or something. God I don't know. Anyway, if he doesn't show up tonight I'm going to assume he's just not interested and move on.
The other guy, Hot Southern Gentleman, I just give up on him. I saw his band play last night, hung out with him a bit, chatted with his friends. I have done everything short of throwing myself in his lap or flashing him my tits (neither of which I think would do any good as HSG is full of manners and all, you know, gentlemanly, so it would just embarrass him). And everything I've done has resulted in nothing. I've asked him out he's been cheerful, pleasant and non-committal. He's come by work when I'm getting of shift and had a beer with me, stayed until we closed talking. He insists, despite having been invited a dozen times and never having shown up, that he will come have dinner with the merry band of girls at my house. He's always very nice to me, even though he's, among other things, clearly very shy. He treats me as someone he genuinely likes and respects as a friend. HSG is either willfully oblivious to my attempts to hit on him or ask him out, or he is genuinely aware. If it's the former, then I'll just end up humiliating myself if I keep it up. If it's the latter then I just don't know what else I can do that I haven't already done, short of maybe saying, "Hey, I really like you, are you at all in pursuing something there?" Which honestly is a little bold, even for me and would also probably be very awkward for him. So I release the whole thing. I'm trying not to be negative about it, to say it will clearly never happen. I'm just letting it go.
