3 posts tagged “fb”

Is there something in the water?  The recently received calls list on my phone is like and episode of This is Your Life, Lucy, the special "past mistakes" edition.

Both HMP and MJG have called. Booty calls I assume, since they were made between the hours of midnight and 2 am.  And they didn't leave messages.  HMP has called several times.  He's also IMed me a few times recently, as he's just back in town.  I know exactly what he wants.  I know, also, that he's a fucking moron and should have way more sense than to try and talk to me after everything, even if months have passed.

MJG is weird though.  We haven't spoken in a while.  Since maybe June, or even earlier.  I have invited him to several parties at my place and he's usually declined via text message or not responded at all.  But we have a lot of mutual friends, so I suspect he knows how I am doing, as I do know about him.  I was actually surprised to see his name come up on my phone last night.  I wasn't expecting him to ever call again, nor to see him, outside of running into him at a mutual friends show or house party. I wonder fucking stoned his ass was that he thought calling me was good idea.

Why do they all seem to crawl out of the woodwork at once?  FB is also creeping around wanting to "Hang out."  Must be an insane shortage of booty in Nashville right now.  Well, sorry, boys, but you all passed and you don't get another chance. Jackasses.

Smitten - Bree Sharp

2 comments

Speaking of other chances, I have been talking to CK a lot again.  I'm really torn about that.  He is genius smart, witty, clever, funny, challenging, interesting, charming when he wants to be, mature, romantic and ready to commit.  I don't know what else I could want. I mean, like on paper, he's perfect.

In reality though, he lives 800 miles away, and is still coming off a bad divorce.  He definitely has trust issues, and I don't think either of us are the kind of people who could really weather a long distance relationship. And there isn't anything to be done about it, I mean, neither of us are in a place where we could leave our respective cities, too many other commitments.

Part of me really wants to say say, "Fuck it, it's doomed, why bother?" and just walk away.  Save myself the torture and all that.  I think this way when I'm at work or busy doing something else, or whatever. But as soon as I talk to him, whether it be phone, email or even text messages, I'm hooked.  Totally sunk.  Man, it just feels like it's something.  Like, uh, I don't know, I'm just so drawn to him and into what he has to say and how he is and all.  So I guess, I'm going to suck it up, buy a plane ticket, and see.  I mean, it's been months since we've even been in the same city, so I'll go give the physical chemistry a chance too and then... well, I don't know what, because it would still be a long distance thing.  It's just an endless circle of me freaking out about the whole thing, as this brings me back to: I should just walk away, it won't work out.  And I know I'm being ridiculous about it, but I can't stop, I'm totally stuck in this loop about the whole thing.

Last night I couldn't sleep at all.  A combination of the unbearable heat, the intolerable itch of bug bites, and a bunch of random work stress scenarios flashing through my head.

I laid there in the dark, mentally composing entries for my various blogs, wishing I had a digital voice recorder thingy, or the wherewithal to get up and actually go log on and type something up, since I wasn't sleeping anyway.  I started thinking about boys and writing here and what I want to do with this space that's still all my own.  I don't really know yet.  I do know that even just thinking about it and what to write here has changed how I'm viewing my own life.

I have thought a lot, even recently about what I do NOT want in a boyfriend, on the assumption that it will easier to find compatible guys when I'm just eliminating bad prospects on broad, generalized criteria.  I don't think that's working too well.

Let's review the past two years:

Two plus years ago I was living on the other side of the country living with a boyfriend who was smart, funny and totally into me.  Sadly he was also depressed, somewhat anti-social and unemployed (I was supporting him for a long time).  Criteria established here: boyfriends must not be unemployed or depressed.

Eighteen months ago, right after I moved to Tennessee, I spent several months dating IRB (Indie Rock Boy).  Also smart and funny.  Charming when he wanted to be, interesting to talk to, great in bed.  Spent several months coordinating our very busy schedules and hanging out as much as possible.  Turned out he was separated and in the middle of a divorce. This is information I feel would have been good to know right up front and not a couple months down the road.  More amusingly, I met this guy from a blind date set up by my mother from 2500 miles away.  Turns out she knew about the divorce, but never bothered to tell me.  Thanks, Ma.  Criteria established here: no married, separated or recently divorced guys.

Right on the heels of that, FB (Frat Boy), who I'd met a few months prior started calling me.  He was very smart, totally into me (by initial appearances), worked in my field, was as into music as I was, also gainfully employed, successful and good in bed (surprising given his age--about 8 or 9 years younger than me). Then he stopped calling.  Later I found out it was to get back together with his ex, which fell apart after two weeks and he resumed calling me, full of apologies and such.  It soon became clear that he was interested pretty much only in hanging out with me as a friend and hooking up as often as possible.  The midnight booty calls got old fast and I started feeling pretty undervalued as a person and broke it off. Criteria established here: no guys under 30, no guys so far out of my own social sphere that I feel like I'm relating to someone from a completely different culture.

Since then it's been kind of a clusterfuck of bad decisions. (And very poorly thought out one-night stands, which don't bear more than a passing mention.)

Late last winter/early last spring there was HMP, a one night stand that dragged on for weeks, in which the sex was amazing, then he'd periodically dismiss me or seriously hurt my feelings but soon come back with fancy dinners ($100s of dollars) and apologies and more great sex and then be a jackass all over again.  Finally managed to cut him off like a diseased tree limb. Criteria established here: no self-centered emotional fuckwits.

Followed by brief flirtation with a friend of a friend, MJG (Maryjane Guy), who it turned out only wanted an occasional hook-up and after a couple weeks basically told me to my face that a) he didn't think I was the kind of girl who had boyfriends and b) the kind of guys who would hook up with me would never date me.  Thanks, fuckwad, for making me feel like a worthless whore. For some reason, my roommate, UN, really liked this guy, so I pursued it much longer and with more terrible results than I probably otherwise would have. She hates everyone I ever bring home, so I thought there might have been something to her liking him. Criteria established here: no heavy pot smokers.

During the whole MJG thing I was also hooking up with HB (Heartbreaker), which MJG did know about (there's always many sides to a story, yeah, I guess it's reasonable he thought I was a slut, but he was hooking up with SEVERAL other people and I didn't find that out until much later and I was very open about what was going on with me).  HB is amazing.  He's a brilliant songwriter. He's ridiculously hot, like makes girls act stupid in public hot.  He's smart.  He's a my good friend and I know he genuinely likes me and is actively interested in me as person.  We have great sex.  We tried being just friends who fucked sometimes.  It didn't work.  Partly because of a lot of surrounding drama involving our friends and partly because I always ended up feeling like I wanted more.  I ended it.  Although it still drags out fairly painfully.  He spends a lot of time at my house, with my friends, with me, just hanging out.  He is a very good friend and I rely on him for a lot.  There's still a strong, electrical current of attraction between us, but it really just wasn't meant to be.  In addition to everything else (him not being able to commit, friend drama) he's fully a decade younger than me and really not in place in his life where he wants the same things from partnership I do. I'm not nearly as jealous of his current girlfriends as I expected to be.  I imagine one day he'll be famous and I'll be his manager and regular companion for things and the press will speculate on what our relationship is and they will always be wrong, because we will always be only friends. There's clearly a lot of unresolved crap tied into it all, since I find I want to cry my eyes out just typing this paragraph up. Criteria established here: no situations fraught with drama outside my control, no guys under 30 (again).

Coming off HB, I started the whole CK thing, which you've probably already read about. I don't know if any criteria was established here that wasn't completely known from before.

So where does this all leave me?  Knowing what I don't want: no pot-smoking, married/recently divorced, emotional fuckwits, under 30, who are outside my social circle.  Candidates must be employed or able to support themselves and have their own potentially serious emotional problems under control with medication or therapy, or must (preferably) not be prone to depression or anxiety.  A friend once joked that potential guy must always have a place to live, a car and their own phone.  Which are all also definite necessities.

But, hey, that list of exclusions is actually kind of bleak.  As I said yesterday the throw-it-against-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks method doesn't seem to be doing much for me. And so I'm going for a more targeted approach.  Two candidates.  If one falls out of the race, then I guess I find a replacement (??? I haven't thought that part through yet).  If one wins the other loses.  And so it will go.  Well sort of, since I'm not 100% sure that either candidate knows I'm interested in them, and I'm not clear on if either is really interested in me.  Indeed, for all I know they could both be gay.  Heh.  Jokes on me are always funny.

We'll see how it goes.  Hopefully this weekend I'll be able to write something up about each of them and we'll see what unfolds.  Although I'll probably jinx it all just by talking about them and be done with each of them inside a week.

---

And for anyone who really is following along at home:  CK and I have opted for a just friends approach to any communications between us, rather than total severing of all ties.  I'm pretty sure this means scattered emails and calls for a while before it fades off in to nothing.  Lo que será, será.

Come On - Lucinda Williams

I usually think that I'm fine, my life is fine.  I'm of an age where I"m not concerned with appearances as much, I'm divorced so I feel fairly free to have sex with whomever I want, when ever I want and hang out with anyone.  But sometimes I really miss having a boyfriend. A standing date, someone you can call and just share stuff with, cuddle up on the couch with on Saturday nights.  It's not about sex, 'cause god knows I can get that easily enough.  And hey hook-ups are pretty great, generally, but I miss the sense of connection with another person, and, well, pretty much I am a little in love with being in love.

Through some of my work I meet a lot of musicians. Plus there's live music at the restaurant every night and I often use that scout bands for my other job (it's convenient) so I meet a lot musicians there too.  I date a lot of musicians.  These things could be related, though this city pretty much has nothing but musicians and Christian conservatives, so it's not like the dating pool is wide. Hardcore evangelicals tend not to date heavily tattooed hipster chicks like me.

Early last spring I met guitar player through the restaurant, exchanged info with him and have periodically exchanged emails with him on professional basis.  A few weeks ago he emailed and said he was coming through town on tour and could we get together to record a podcast and do some promotion for him.  I agreed and then the emails changed tone and he started hitting on me.  I put him off and basically tell him that I don't date musicians that I work with as it's a conflict of interest for me (kind of a lie, I mean, I can be professional but generally I'm not and let all aspects of my life bleed together).  He, let's call him CK, is charming and really has a way with words and I break down and agree to go out with him when he's in town.  Although I cancel the promotion and the podcast.  He says it's fine he really only want s to see me, he's been thinking about me for months etc.  Flattering.

We exchange a lot of emails, eventually I give him my phone number and we start talking and he's really, well in retrospect, too good to be true.  Witty, charming, funny, super knowledgable about music and politics and other things.  Clearly thinks I'm hot, but also thinks I'm very smart and is, by appearances, more interested in me for that.  We have tons and tons in common, the differences are interesting and complimentary.  His tour dates here get canceled and we start making plans to visit each other in our respective cities, around very restrictive schedules for both of us.  We talk for a couple hours every night.  We agree that pending good sex this is potentially a great relationship, except the problem of geography.

And so it goes on until one night when everything goes wrong for me, including this.  That day I worked all morning, recorded a podcast with a couple musicians then went to work at the restaurant.  I didn't eat much, I drank a couple beers while recording (leaving me vaguely hungover at the restaurant since it was 104°F out and not pleasant).  We were busy at the restaurant and I never got to eat.  Afterwards a bunch of us piled into a car and went to see some bands play.  Well not before I have a few shots of whiskey and a couple beers (and no food).  Off to the show, flask in my purse.

Frat Boy, the last guy I sort of dated with any intent was at the show. Not surprising, but coming back from making my rounds of the room and finding him sitting with my friends and engaged in conversation was.  He really was in frat, but he's sweet, smart and I liked him very much (I'll tell our story maybe another day).  I drink more, defensively, go watch the bands, drink more, head to the ladies room and on the way back I realize I'm WAY too drunk.  I make my way to the balcony and start calling everyone with me at the show (like six of my friends) trying to get someone to come assist me, and hopefully take me home.  No dice.  No one even answers.  I eventually call CK and spend while on th ephone with him until someone comes and finds me.  I was drunk enough that I don't remember much of the content of the conversation with CK.

Eventually I make it home and my roommates are talking about how great FB is.  I cry, complain that he'd really hurt my feelings and seeing him again had sucked because he still seemed great except of course his complete dismissial of me. I get over it, eat, drink water, sober up a little. And call CK back to thank him for babysitting me via phone at the show.  I explain that I drank too much, didn't eat and that seeing FB set me off, more because I was drunk than because he mattered.

CK is pissed. Really fucking pissed.  I chide him for being jealous, he claims it isn't that.  No, he's saying things like, "How am I supposed to control the situation from 800 miles away,"  and "How do I trust you aren't just going to run off with one of these guys?" And generally projecting not jealousy but paranoia.  Great.

I tell him he can trust me or not, that only time can prove that.  I tell him he's fucktard and that he should have sympathy for me for having my feelings hurt by FB and should be feeling indignant on my behalf and trying to make me feel better.  And I'm sure I say a lot of the wrong things.  I'm not sober at this point, just more sober than I was before. Eventually after he's reduced me completely to tears, he tells me I should sleep and we'll talk about it later.  Of course I'm on a flight to the west coast the next morning and don't get a chance to talk to him.  I'm also so fucking hungover and miserable that I can't really even think enough to wonder what happened the night before.  At some point the next evening I get a text from CK that says, "You okay?"  And suddenly I'm just fucking ANGRY.  Like fuck him for saying anything about my life and how I should feel after nothing more than a few phone calls. I don't need that, I don't need to have anything to do with him again.  But after some consideration, I text back, "Fine" and leave it at that.

And, since it's how I roll, I get drunk the next night and immediately lose my resolve to never talk to him again.  In the evening I text him and tell him I've been busy but I hope his show goes well that night.  Later, much later, I email him and say something non-commital about the weather on the west coast and other blather.  He never responds to either.  Sunday I leave a voicemail as I'm in the airport, telling him when I'll be home.  No response.  Wednesday I send an email that says, basically, "Since we don't appear to be speaking at least me know you didn't die in fiery wreck so I can quit worrying an move on."

CK's response, "I didn't know we weren't speaking."  WTF, dude?  You haven't replied to any of my attempts to contact you in FIVE days, coming off the heels of two weeks of daily phone calls, and multiple texts and emails.  I say as much and he says that most of my messages were of the "I'm busy type." What the motherfucking fuck? Seriously?  Now, all I am is angry and mostly with myself for not just completely ignoring him after the "You okay?" text on Friday. Like it's basically turned around into making me look needy and desperate when all I was really trying to do was have the last fucking word, or at least end it some sense of closure or whatever.

I'm left just feeling kind of agitated about the whole thing.  I mean, no sense of real loss since I wasn't spending physical time with him.  And while he seemed awesome, clearly he wasn't and at least I found out before I'd invested too much time, or money (for travel etc) in the whole thing. I feel confident in my ability to weed out asstards and not loose my self-respect or confidence (dignity is another story, but I don't have much of that to begin with).  I feel validated knowing that guys find me both intelligent and hot.  But god, I say again, WTF, CK?  Can't you at least have the decency to call me and say, "hey sorry, this isn't going to work out because I think you're a drunk whore," or what ever his problem happens to be.

Sure I've got few more guys on the line, I'm not hurting for attention or anything, just this one time it seemed like something more, something possible, something real and now I find I want that WAY more than I realized. I do want a boyfriend.  I'm just not sure I can find one in the chaos of my life.