5 posts tagged “frippery”
The Bad:
- Grey skies
- Letting other people affect how I feel
- Wallowing in self pity
- Feeling like I have a hangover when I didn't even drink
- My day job
- Hair that won't cooperate with my awesomeness
The Good:
- Warmer weather, even if it's just for a few days
- Being strong enough to move the fuck on
- My iPod giving me a run of perfect songs
- Losing weight without even trying
- My night job
- Today's shoes:
Yes, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't care if I sound like a self-help book. I am strong. I can do anything I want. I will overcome all minor emotional pitfalls in my life. If clothes are a reflection of, um, anything about a person, then today I look like a rockstar: black pintuck blouse; dark, fitted straight-leg jeans; the shoes the shoes the shoes; delicate, sparkly jewelry; knee-length, spring weight, black coat. Of course my hair is is a little windswept and I suspect it doesn't look intentional (it wasn't), but that's fixable. Besides everyone will be looking at my awesome shoes anyway. These are the shoes of a girl about to take over the world.
It's rainy and grey today in that way where there's just not enough coffee in the world to make me perk up and be cheerful. I feel contrary and whiny. I've been eating really well until the last couple days. Out of town guests mean going to all the good local places. This being the South, the good local places means lots of pork fat and butter. Sure it tasted good but will I even be able to button my pants this week?
CK gets here tomorrow. Or today, I guess, but with the already visiting house guest, work and all I won't see him until I get off work tomorrow. I'm very much looking forward to the few hours I'll get with him between jobs and a little time after work. Then Thursday UN gets back from her trip (I guess, since she hasn't called me in a week and I don't have her flight itinerary) and I have our final work event (which I guess I'll drag CK along to and suffer through introducing him to all my coworkers). And I work the rest of the time he's here, so I'll just be squeezing in time with him.
I feel a little cheated that CK's visit was so hurriedly planned and without my input. I'm thrilled he's coming, but he's not here for any of my regular days off and it's too short of notice for me to get extra time off (which I couldn't afford anyway). And I'm sure he's fine, he has lots of friends here, who he'll go hang out with while I work endlessly, but I'm a little afraid that will ending up cutting into the time I do have to spend with him. Bleh. I don't want to be that girl. Not ever. But I do foresee the whole long distance thing making me jealous. Jealous if his time, I mean, not that I don't trust him or anything like that. Just worried about enough time being devoted to annoying, princess-y me, who needs ATTENTION. * sigh *
I got my hair cut. I don't hate it. I mean, it's pretty good, but it requires styling. Minimal styling, but some nonetheless. And so I look like crap today, as I didn't even have the 6 or minutes necessary to dry and style it after washing it this morning. Is this relevant? Sure, I'm miserable from the grey rainyness, (how did I survive so many years in the PNW without committing suicide? Seriously!), I'm stressed from work, full of relationship anxiety, worried about the status of my home life, additionally unglued from current and future house guests (even it is CK, still house guests mildly distress me, as you have to keep them entertained, and worry about their happiness and feed them and everything) and on top of all that? I look yucky. Seriously, I might feel better if I looked fabulous. I even forgot to put on jewelry this morning. I'm like no-nonsense girl over here, with heels, a skirt and a white blouse, no make-up, no jewelry, and sort of spastic hair. Yep.
I need more coffee. Even if there isn't enough in the world, will it help if I just keep drinking it?
I've been repeating to myself, over the past couple days: "Who wouldn't want to be my boyfriend? Only seriously defective, emotional fuckwits." Right? I mean, I'm pretty hot, if unconventional (but who doesn't want a girlfriend who looks like a rock chick--at least among the kind of guys I date). I'm super smart. I work hard. I'm funny, charming and sometimes very sweet. I'm patient and endlessly tolerant. I'm educated, political and always thinking. I love music and know a lot about it. Yes, indeed, you'd have to be a complete moron or totally emotionally screwed up not to want to have me as your girl. Sure I have my faults and a bit of a checkered past, but hey, my good qualities vastly outshine the bad.
Why am I saying this? Well, honestly, I'm really, really damn nervous about going to see CK this weekend. Like I pretty much haven't been thinking about it but now, what with the need to get packed and being able to nearly count down by hours rather than days, I'm forced to face it.
This could be a huge disaster.
This could be the best weekend ever.
I'm doing my best to go into it without expectations, but it isn't easy.
It's just weird. I'm going into this knowing WAY more about what to expect from him in a relationship. I mean, usually you meet someone, it sparks, you sleep together, you try it from there and it either works or it doesn't. We met, sparked, I forgot, put him off for months, re-started on the phone, sparked intellectually, and now, soon will actually have sex (which could be awful--no expectations, no expectations, no expectations). But in the intervening time, I've been able to get a fair reading on what actually being involved with CK would be like. If nothing else it will be rollercoastery and complicated. Really everything I said in my fortune telling post will probably be true. It will be work. Hard work. It will seriously test my patience and tolerance for jackassery and anxiety. It might not be worth it. But hopefully it will be. (Of course, he could decide he hates me after this weekend and it's all moot, but I maintain my mantra that I am the most awesome, best potential girlfriend ever).
Mostly though, I feel like I'm stepping off a cliff. Not really on the relationship thing, but rather, I've been in the awful holding pattern for weeks. It could be something with CK, but neither of us can know for sure until I get there and we feel it out. So even with it being mere days away, I'm just full of the sense of something impending, and I don't know if it'll be good or bad and I feel like I can't plan the future until I know for sure. ARG. Anxiety much? Oh yeah.
And finally the most important question: Do I save all my extra cash to spend on my trip, or do I spend a bit on new shoes to go with my fabulous dress, so I have something nice to wear while on my trip. I mean I could take an older dress, with shoes I already have, but everything I have is black and the pretty, shiny new green dress would be so much more flattering. Yeah, I do like to end my angst on as shallow a note as possible. :)
ETA: I'm weak. I went and got shoes. However they look fabulous with both dresses, so I did alright.
Yesterday was a total write-off. Couldn't get most the work I needed to do during the day done as everyone was out of the office (today is turning out to be much the same). The restaurant was slow and uneventful and I got cut a couple hours early. Which was fine it was too slow for anyone to make any tips. I spent the late part of the evening answering emails, drinking whiskey, eating chips and watching a silly romantic comedy with FF.
In the vein of "wearing sweatpants outside the house means you've given up on life" (thank you, Seinfeld), I bought myself a new dress yesterday. Now it needs shoes. I'm thinking brown peep-toe pumps, yes? Of course I have no place to wear this dress. Perhaps a suitable boy will appear and whisk me away on real date somewhere. Then it will have purpose. Otherwise I might just sit around the house drinking cheap beer out of a can and wear it then, barefoot but with a tiara or something. At least if I'm going to be alone and bored I can look like a pretty princess, eh? That allows me the fantasy that prince will just show up. Um, yeah, perhaps no more romantic comedies before bed for me.
Speaking of, I had a really long involved dream last night in which I had a boyfriend and then got carjacked and driven around forever after which I had a better boyfriend. It's unclear whether the better boyfriend rescued me from the carjacker or if I was actually dating the carjacker. He was a good boyfriend though, went to shows with me and was supportive and fun. Although later in the dream there turned out to be some sort of arch nemesis he had. A super villain of sorts, whose office I was in and I was going through his drawers looking for pack of cigarettes and instead found a lot of weird and antique pornography. I think I was trapped there? And the boyfriend came to rescue me. Um, yes, perhaps it's best not to read too much into the dream.
Neither CMB nor HSG showed up for the party last night. Not unexpected. Heartbreaker brought his new girlfriend whom he is apparently "serious" about now. I was indifferent to her until they left and all our other friends started tearing her apart. Apparently no one really hates her, but no one wants her with HB. In the end the whole evening left me feeling bored, lonely, a little heartbroken and pretty miserable.
Seriously, I should go back to obsessing over shoes and more shallow things, rather than boys. Much less heartbreak involved all around. I don't know if it's the impending full moon, PMS or what, but today I swear I'd be happier never leaving my house again or interacting with other people. It all seems like too much work.
I do feel like every possibility romantically for the future has slipped away like sand through my fingers. It's irrelevant I guess, plenty of fish in the sea and all that. But Dazzle Doll brought her new boy last night and he was amazing (not my type but perfect for her) and just seeing HB made me feel awful. I'm really sure this is PMS induced misery and I'll be fine tomorrow. At least hopefully I won't be sitting at my desk, nearly in tears, worrying that no one will ever love me. I mean really, what kind of craziness is that? Also it sucks to be hyper self-aware. I mean, can't I just wallow in my hormonal misery? Do I have to even try and put that in perspective?
If I didn't have so damn much to do, I'd spend the day surfing Zappos.com, in some insane shoe shopping binge.
