11 posts tagged “hmp”

I set out for work.  It's snowing. Yuck.  I expect it to be dead at work, but no, it's super busy, the bar is packed. I look good, BND from yesterday's post is supposed to meet me for a drink after I get off work around 9:30-ish.  We're busy.  It thins out. At 9:10 HMP walks in. Of course, because I couldn't have normal date with a nice seeming boy without some complications.  HMP's grandmother just died, he's going home tomorrow, and his boyhood friend has been threatening suicide in email all day. AUGH. And it's me he comes to. Which I appreciate, but still.  I get him a drink. DD tells me to just clock out she gets me a drink.  I chat with HMP for a bit and then my phone rings.  It's BND.  I'll just transcribe the conversation for you:

me: Hello?
BND: Is this Lucy?
me: yeah
BND: Hi, uh, this is BND, I think we talked the other night?
me (confused): we did, yes.
BND: Well I was so drunk I couldn't remember if I said I'd come meet you tonight or said maybe or what.
me: ...
me: I think we said maybe
BND: Well, I'm not going to be able to make it up there tonight.
me: okay
BND: so, well, talk some time soon?
me: no, you don't need to call me again
BND: okay sorry.
me: bye
BND: bye

REALLY? I mean sure, I'm glad I know he's a fucking idiot before I wasted any time on him, but REALLY? Not even smart enough to say he just can't make it, or something, anything else.  He was too drunk when he called me to remember what he said to me.  Awesome.  Another keeper.

So I got off the phone, told HMP the whole story and he amused himself by making other possible excuses BND could have used which was pretty funny.  Then HMP left and I hung out with some of our regulars and bonded with DD over the incredible stupidity of boys.  Then I scraped 2 inches of snow off my car and drove home.

Now, I sitting here staring at my MySpace inbox, which contains another message from CK.  I can't decide if I should read it now and risk being so pissed I don't sleep.  Or if I should just let it go and worry about it tomorrow, later, some other time.

Last night, hmm, I was going to say interesting, but it was better than that, though weirder.  DK came to visit me at the bar (yay for friends made through Vox!), it was very slow a perfect night for her to come out (except the music could have been better).  However mere minutes before she walked in HMP came in, so I got off early, sat down between them at the bar and drank with them. DK was great, funny, charming and cute as I would have expected.  HMP was his usual self which is a strange mix of charming, funny, moronically stupid, vaguely clueless, quite curious and somewhat sweet. HMP and I left sometime before 11 and went to another bar where he was oddly interested in me.  We had a conversation throughout which he was very earnest and seemingly genuine.  It turned to people problems they make for themselves or issues and baggage they bring from their past, and I asked him, basically, "so, if you're so smart and can read people, what are my problems?"  And he said, quite seriously, "you don't really have any problems."  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  After some discussion we agreed that I had problems, but owned them and was so straight forward about things that they didn't, at least initially appear to be problems.

I recently had a similar conversation with FF, in which she said that with most people, when they were insecure, you could usually see why, but with me I always seemed so together and smart and funny and attractive that it never made sense to her why I'd be insecure.  It's interesting because I feel so raw and exposed about my perceived shortcomings and my own issues, and yet apparently I do an excellent job of concealing them.  I wish could get a better picture of how other people see me, you know?

Anyway, after the bars, HMP and went back to my house, ostensibly to watch a movie.  Yeah that lasted about 15 minutes before he was all over me.  We had dirty, rough sex, then we had really sort of sweet, slow sex during which he kept telling me how beautiful I am and sort of clutching me against him in a vaguely possessive way. Then he didn't let go of me all night, which was kind of nice, but also sort of annoying.  I find I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole this morning.  Like the sex was good.  I liked hanging out with him yesterday, but I really am feeling like the situation has completely reversed itself from last year, where now I am only interested in him essentially for entertainment and I feel like maybe he's pushing for more.  I might be wrong perceiving the situation, but it just feels a little unbalanced, again, but not at all the way it did before.  I feel vaguely guilty for saying that he's okay for comfort until something better comes along, but that's pretty much how I feel right now.

Okay, I confess, I kind of like HMP.  I was telling my pal, Super Ninja Badass, this morning that I feel like HMP and I have reached some sort of level playing field and it ain't bad.  Like maybe it's okay to be friends who just sleep together? I mean, it's clearly better now that I don't expect anything like I did last year, but the year apart seems to have sort of smoothed his rough edges as well.

He came up to the bar last night, alone, so I stayed after my shift and has a beer with him.  We wended up going back to my place. And here's the thing, this story should end with "and had crazy, dirty sex all night," but it doesn't.  He came over, roamed around my house, picked up a bunch of my recent art works and really, genuinely complimented me on them, expressed interest in the ideas behind them and asked good questions about them.  Then we went and watched a movie in my room, so as not to disturb FF and because it was warmer in my room.  So warm in fact that we we were both shedding clothing throughout the film. And then...we went to sleep. I woke up once during this night, and again this morning with him all wrapped around me.  It was just nice.  We had a nice time talking last night.  He was suitably amused by the movie I picked, we had a nice, sort of comforting night.

Granted I still think he's sort of annoying, and was completely an insensitive jerk last year.  He's not entirely forgiven, but he's on probation now, instead of being shut out.  And presently his good qualities outweigh his bad.  I'm not sure how long that will last though.

And seriously, how easy am I? All a guy has to do is express interest in my art in a kind and honestly curious sort of way and I'm completely won over? Wow.

Out of context, but from an actual conversation with HMP, he said, "I have a way of thinking things are normal when I guess they aren't."  So, so very true.

He's coming to visit me at the bar tonight. I'd put him off, or discourage this, except he's bringing his friend, CC, who lives a few states away and whom I absolutely adore, so I'll take HMP if it means getting to hang a little with CC.

Both HMP and CK are haunting my dreams now.  The CK ones are always me being extremely angry with him.  Throwing tantrums and screaming at him.  No mystery the meaning there.

Last night I dreamt I went to see HMP's new apartment.  In the dream it went on and on, room after room, filled with books and art crowded in all over the walls.  Huge windows, lots of light, lots of plants.  The was a doorway to his neighbor's apartment, which had no door in it (in fact there were no doors between any of the rooms).  His neighbor was a 40-ish woman and I suggested to HMP that it was weird that there were no boundaries between his apartment and his neighbor's.  He assured me that it was fine, it was normal and that many people lived like that. (It was my relaying of this dream to him, in less detail than this, that caused him to make the declaration from the opening line of this post).

The weirdest part about the dream though was that it was his apartment.  I have regularly recurring dreams on this theme (no barrier between my apt and my neighbors, rooms I didn't realize I had before, maze-like living spaces that go on an on), that are always my home and always in my home town.  This was very definitely in Nashville, and very much HMP's place.  Also with all the recent contact from him, I feel personally affronted, like he is intentionally infiltrating my dreams.

So HMP. Ha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am amused. I have no desire to date him.  If I think of him at all, I'm mostly annoyed. And then I think about the sex and have to refrain from calling him.  He, however, can not seem to stop calling, texting and IMing me.  Seriously, buddy, I do not want to make small talk with you.  I especially do not want to make it in text messages. But I am amused.  It's as if it's last February all over again, with a 180° turn.  It's like he's doing all he can to try and maintain my attention.  And I guess it's working, because I am thinking about him enough to write this, but I don't think ti's the kind of attention he wants. I simply can not express how satisfying it is to be all, "la la la la, I don't care.  Oh sex!  Okay!  Naw, not answering the phone when he calls the next day."  I swear, I'm not doing it out of malicious revenge or anything.  I don't hate him.  I don't wish him ill.  I'm just not at all on the dating track with him.  The sex was really damn good though.  I probably will mess up my amused aloofness by doing it again.

Still no word whatsoever from CK.  I'm trying not to be bitter, but the entire lack of closure makes it hard.  So, no, not over it yet, but hopefully soon.  I'd at least settle for being able to see his name pop up somewhere and not feel an awful twinge in my heart.

So I was an hour late to work this morning after spending the night with HMP.  I feel quite gratified, not just in the dirty sense, because while he is still potentially an insensitive jerk, I do remember now why I put up with it before. It's like our bodies were created by some mad scientist to fit and function perfectly together.  Having been with him again, I have to say, everyone else I've had sex with in the last year, well their stock just went down a few points.  There isn't much than can compete with how good HMP is. Or rather how good we are together.  Too bad it doesn't really extend past the physical. But damn, he's hot, sweet and it was a night well spent.  He tried to convince me to call into work and spend the day in bed with him, but I thought it best to get out of there as quickly as possible.  I expect he'll call me in the next couple weeks, but I'm hoping to resist temptation, so let's all cross our fingers that he doesn't call when I've been drinking and am lonely, because that will be my undoing.

I was talking to the girls at work the other night, and defined basically what I need in a long term partner.  When dating and in the early stages of a relationship, I do not need to be courted, flattered or charmed.  I mean, it's nice and all, but I'm good with just hanging out, talking, and getting all those necessary mutual likes and dislikes on the table, and the stories of that person's history.  That's enough for me.  But as the relationship goes on that's when I want the romance.  I want tiny surprise gifts just because he was thinking about me.  I want to feel like he's really interested in me and how I think and what I am creating. At the end of the day I want to feel like he's dying to touch me and that he feels more complete having shared life with me.  Obviously I want to feel the same way about him.  No tall order, that. Heh.

So HMP called me today. He's actually emailed a couple times recently, he's moving back to town tomorrow and looking for a place. I helped, gave him a couple names and numbers of places. I suspect he is still an emotional fuckwit and all but I have agreed to go have a drink with him.  I need distraction and entertainment.  He's super hot, he's a good kisser and I don't have to find out later that he's an ass because I already know.  I figure the worst case scenario here is I have a drink with him and listen to him talk about himself for hours, best I get dinner and heavy petting out of the deal.  Whatever.  I mean, it's been a year.  I was way into him back then, he wasn't that into me, my feelings got hurt a lot.  Knowing what I know, I can still enjoy his company but I don't have to go any further than that emotionally.

I'm just bored.  I mean, no, I'm insanely busy, but I haven't kissed anyone in a while and it sure would be nice. I really need to meet some decent guys who aren't married.  Hell, I'd settle for gay ones at this point, at least they'd tell me I look fabulous.

I've opted not to respond to my stepmother.  It's just a can of worms I do not need to deal with right now. I didn't even tell my mom about it when she called last night, as I just wasn't up to dealing with that fallout/bitchfest. 

Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching with no prospects but some pointed comments from the yuckier patrons at the bar. I've never made a big deal about the day.  I've never dated anyone who really did much for me--my ex-husband once brought me flowers, but I found out later they'd been sent to his work for a co-worker whose daughter died and no one wanted them so he gave them to me UGH.  Generally it's not that big of a deal but this year I feel pretty bitter about it.  Lonely anyway.

So some random guy that I went on one date with last November has recently sent me a couple text messages and MySpace messages. I ignored them.  I mean, we had nothing in common, didn't keep in touch, didn't have, you know, anything, except a date.  Which while it wasn't a bad date, per se, we just didn't click.

Cut to today when he messages me, "so are you ever going to speak to me again?"  My first response was to internally scream, "Fuck you, you asshole.  What the fuck do you want from me?  I have four fucking jobs, I have friends, a life, way too much going on.  If you're looking for sex, the line to drop dead forms to the left, please cut to the front."  My actual reply was basically, "We have nothing in common, it's not that I'm not talking to you, it's that I have no reason too."

Two things about this.  First of all, what the fuck is wrong with guys? Why are only the idiots persistent?  (HMP is also still repeatedly texting me--dude, I'm never going to fuck you again, give up.) And why does their persistence make me feel slightly guilty? Like maybe I should be nicer, because they are lonely or something? UGH!  I have too much on my plate as it is. What is wrong with me that I can't tell off a guy I don't even like without feeling responsible and feeling like shit about it.

Secondly, I might be about to completely fucking melt down. Total disaster.  I fear that when it does happen it won't be me yelling at some guy who doesn't know better than to stop calling me.  It will be at my boss or my roommates or some place completely inappropriate.  Just the level of rage I felt at reading this guy's, "Why aren't you talking to me" bullshit was so incredibly out of proportion that I know I'm way closer to the edge than I even realized when I was writing yesterday's whiny post.

I need to step back, from nearly everything, and take a deep breath. Like, okay, I know I'm putting way too much pressure on myself about almost everything.  I know that to some extent it's actually work that's making me feel like this.  Like It's just so frustrating and I can't accomplish anything (through no fault of my own) and end up feeling like I'm not doing a good job, even though I'm doing all I can.  This feeling I totally let extend into the rest of life and it's making me feel anxious and angry way more than I should be.

I have more to say, but alas, my boss just got back from a trip and fixing what he left to the last possible minute is going to cut into my lunch time. Swell.

Is there something in the water?  The recently received calls list on my phone is like and episode of This is Your Life, Lucy, the special "past mistakes" edition.

Both HMP and MJG have called. Booty calls I assume, since they were made between the hours of midnight and 2 am.  And they didn't leave messages.  HMP has called several times.  He's also IMed me a few times recently, as he's just back in town.  I know exactly what he wants.  I know, also, that he's a fucking moron and should have way more sense than to try and talk to me after everything, even if months have passed.

MJG is weird though.  We haven't spoken in a while.  Since maybe June, or even earlier.  I have invited him to several parties at my place and he's usually declined via text message or not responded at all.  But we have a lot of mutual friends, so I suspect he knows how I am doing, as I do know about him.  I was actually surprised to see his name come up on my phone last night.  I wasn't expecting him to ever call again, nor to see him, outside of running into him at a mutual friends show or house party. I wonder fucking stoned his ass was that he thought calling me was good idea.

Why do they all seem to crawl out of the woodwork at once?  FB is also creeping around wanting to "Hang out."  Must be an insane shortage of booty in Nashville right now.  Well, sorry, boys, but you all passed and you don't get another chance. Jackasses.

Smitten - Bree Sharp

2 comments

Speaking of other chances, I have been talking to CK a lot again.  I'm really torn about that.  He is genius smart, witty, clever, funny, challenging, interesting, charming when he wants to be, mature, romantic and ready to commit.  I don't know what else I could want. I mean, like on paper, he's perfect.

In reality though, he lives 800 miles away, and is still coming off a bad divorce.  He definitely has trust issues, and I don't think either of us are the kind of people who could really weather a long distance relationship. And there isn't anything to be done about it, I mean, neither of us are in a place where we could leave our respective cities, too many other commitments.

Part of me really wants to say say, "Fuck it, it's doomed, why bother?" and just walk away.  Save myself the torture and all that.  I think this way when I'm at work or busy doing something else, or whatever. But as soon as I talk to him, whether it be phone, email or even text messages, I'm hooked.  Totally sunk.  Man, it just feels like it's something.  Like, uh, I don't know, I'm just so drawn to him and into what he has to say and how he is and all.  So I guess, I'm going to suck it up, buy a plane ticket, and see.  I mean, it's been months since we've even been in the same city, so I'll go give the physical chemistry a chance too and then... well, I don't know what, because it would still be a long distance thing.  It's just an endless circle of me freaking out about the whole thing, as this brings me back to: I should just walk away, it won't work out.  And I know I'm being ridiculous about it, but I can't stop, I'm totally stuck in this loop about the whole thing.