13 posts tagged “homestead”

I feel tonight like I am on the verge, the threshold, of something. I'm not sure what exactly, but something good

I am without a boyfriend and I clearly acknowledged to myself today that I don't really like that.  I just want someone to curl up in bed with.  Someone to have breakfast with.  Someone to call and and tell all about my day.  Someone who is interested, who thinks I'm clever, who thinks I am pretty.  Someone I can call when I am sad.  Someone who will share the little and the big joys in my life.  I've been looking for this person for a long time.  There have been a lot of trials, but none have yet made the finals. CK isn't ever going to be that someone.  I have no current prospects.  I am okay with that.  I am lonely.  But not painfully so.  I will make cleanly through to whatever is waiting around the corner.  It'd be nice if love is waiting.  It's okay if it isn't.

Work is dreadful.  I love the bar.  If I could support myself just working there I would totally do it.  My day job feels like my secondary making ends meet.  I currently have the possibility of promotion.  Nothing yet in stone, but it could be more money, a few more hours, a slightly more flexible schedule and much better job title and responsibilities. When this becomes a firm offer (in about ten days) I think I am going to decline. I am currently on track to seriously look for another job.It's kind of a tough place to be.  The new position is actually pretty perfect for me and I think I'd like to do it.  It's just I have issues with my current boss, and while he would no longer be my boss, he recently hired a guy that I can not stand and the two of them together are simply unbearable.  No hyperbole.  No exaggeration. I just in all seriousness want to FLEE the room whenever the two of them are talking (or just whenever new guy is around).  And while I'd have a different boss, I'd still have to work with these guys at least 25% of the time and I just don't think I could take it.  So new job lurking just around the bend.  I expect it won't be easy because of my need for flexibility and my very requirements for a job, but I'm sure something is out there.

My roommate UN is moving out. This involves some financial shuffling, though no real damage on that front.  And since she's out of town, we'll probably (voluntarily, and gladly) do most of the packing for her.  But hey, WAY less stress, less household complications, and a whole room to sew, dance, exercise, work, dream or whatever in.

What I've had for the last few months: a relationship burdened by distance/lack of physical closeness; a job that I can barely bring myself to go into; a complicated, stressful living situation.  What I have waiting for me: wide open possibilities for love, joy and finding peace with myself; any number of interesting new jobs; a rearranging and resettling of my home into a place that's a pleasure to be.

I came home from the dreaded day job early yesterday.  Put in about 4 hours working on other stuff.  Emailed my closest friends and complained about how utterly tired I am.  Then I went to the restaurant.

It was a sort of writer's night and one of the girls playing managed to invited everyone she's ever met.  Leaving my bar filled with a normal, slightly busy Tuesday crowd plus about 40-50 college age kids from Hendersonville (in a room that comfortably holds maybe 75 people).  Mostly preppy suburban kids and a handful of middle class suburban kids pretending to be urban (by which I mean, hey middle class white girl, you are not in hip-hop video, give it up already). So the place was jam-packed, I didn't get out of there until 11:30.  I was already tired before I went in.  I came home and fell into bed.  Barely managed to get my make-up off.  I was gross and sticky (the air wasn't on in the restaurant and the bizarre warm temps and all the people meant it was about 90°F in the restaurant) but couldn't be bothered to shower.

After all that, of course this is the morning they start jackhammering next door at 6:32 am.  My first thought was, "Are you kidding me?" My second was to burst into tears.

Now I am at work, all jacked up on coffee and sugar.  I am skipping this afternoon's pointless meeting to take a nap.  I have a bunch of work to do (both in the office and at home), but I am going to bypass it in favor of my own sanity.

Also, despite the sleep dep and lack of make-up, I look really cute today which is entirely wasted on this office.

Last night, after work, I texted CK, saying that today sucked, especially since he was probably already asleep and I was just getting home and never got to talk to him yesterday. He replied that he was mostly asleep but awake enough to miss me a lot. Which was simultaneously very sweet and sort of heartbreaking, since I was laying there wishing I could curl up against him after a day like that.  I have mentioned 2,379,864 times before that the distance thing is hard.  Harder still I think now that CK is clearly as committed as I am and we both want this to work as serious, long-term thing, however, there is no end in sight to the long distance part.  I'm fairly certain I'm not moving to his city, at least not any time soon.  He's not at all interested in living in Nashville. Honestly, the only hope is for us to maintain residences in both places and fly a lot.  I guess I better start buying lottery tickets.

I'm tired.  I need a real vacation.  I need my bills paid.  I want my boyfriend.  I want a nap.

Next up in complaint land, how to deal with my mother's holiday visit without completely losing my mind before she even gets here.

I picked CK up Wednesday afternoon, we went downtown, ran some rather touristy errands he wanted to get out of the way (t-shirts for friends, etc.), then we hung out in the peace and quiet if my house for a while before I had to go to work at the restaurant.  CK came up later and spent the evening talking music with my boss until I was done with my shift.  Then we had a nice, if late, night together.

Thursday morning I worked, while CK did his own work from the house.  Hearing he was in town, a friend offered him a gig Saturday night, so we went to buy guitar strings, did some of my errands, went clothes shopping and he took me out for Mexican.  Thursday night was a work event for me from the day job, and CK came along, which was nice of him, since I don't think it was super fun for anyone. Though we spent several hours snuggled up on the couch beforehand, so the day seemed pretty joyous overall.

Friday I didn't have to work in the morning, but the day was rainy and grey and chill, so we spent a good portion of it in bed (yeah, like that, but also drinking coffee and reading and chatting). Friday night, I worked, CK came up with a friend of his who recently moved here and they had dinner, then I met up with them later to see a bluegrass jam downtown.

Saturday was grey and chill again so the morning was spent again in bed with many cups of hot coffee and lots of talking.  Then we went for the best burgers in town, which he likes burgers and agreed these were great.  I get an odd satisfaction of taking people places to eat that they really like.  Then CK had to get ready to play his gig, and I had to go to work too.  Both our commitments ended about the same time, so we headed off into dream date land.  

See I have three requirements for a serious relationship (well many others too, but these are strangely the foremost ones).  Basically I've said I won't get seriously involved with someone unless they live up to these three things.  Number one, take me on a date to the Opryland hotel.  Sure it's a ludicrous place, but I love the scale of it's absurdity and the Garden Conservatory room is one of my favorite places.

So CK takes me to the Opryland hotel, not with any foreknowledge of my wanting to go, rather it was mostly a way to kill time until the next thing.  We walked around a bunch, sat on bench under the little waterfall for an hour talking.  During which I think CK realized what a good choice he'd made, as he looked at me and said, "This is the most relaxed I've seen you look since I got here."  It was lovely and romantic and sweet all around, holding hands, walking around and making fun of all the touristy stuff. :)

After that we headed off to watch the WSM radio broadcast of the Ernest Tubb Midnite Jamboree, thus fulfilling one of CK's childhood dreams. Which was fun (and I'll probably go back next week, even with CK, because Ralph Stanley is hosting). Afterwards we went to the Waffle House (where else do you go at 2 am?) and got our meal comped because it took them too long to bring our check. So in the end not only was it a great date, but like the cheapest one ever (as the WSM show and the hotel walk were also free).

Sunday morning was too short, we slept late after our late night and didn't have time for much more than coffee and breakfast, getting ready to go to the airport and quick trip to the cemetery so CK could leave flowers for a friend). Dropped CK off and headed home, trying not to cry, only to have him call me when I was halfway home to say there was a problem and he wouldn't be leaving until Monday.  So back to the airport I went.  We went for coffee, sat out in the sun, ran into a few friends of mine from the neighborhood, and then went back to my house to an impromptu dinner party (which didn't exactly go swimmingly).

Monday was also nice, I took the day off work and we went and walked around in the sun and again spent a while hanging around the local coffee shop before we headed off to the airport.  I spent most of Monday afternoon busying myself with little things that needed doing around the house and such so as to distract myself from his absence.

Overall it was pretty nice visit.  I mean he got to do lots of things he wanted, saw people he wanted and I think had a nice time, despite the discomfort in my house.  We spent a lot of time talking.  He listened to all my bitches about work without judgmentally telling me I needed to be doing something else.  Though later under cover of other conversation, he actively encouraged me to find ways to do the things I want to be doing and offered any help he could give (at least what help he could give at this point, without entwining our affairs too much, should this all not turn out to be what we both hope it will--I do find we are both being very cautious about this, I guess that comes with age and experience?). CK was also clearly worried that I'm stretching myself too thin currently, not just with work but with everything.  It was clear he didn't want to add to the problem, and didn't have a lot of solutions to offer, but it was nice to have him observant of it.  It was also nice to be told that I looked good.  And not in that way where you get dressed and ready to go and the guy says, "You look great, let's go!" but later in the day or evening when you're off doing something or out with other folks and he leans over and whispers in your ear, "You look amazing/lovely/beautiful/happy/whatever," which always feels more meaningful, like not just a compliment for the sake of one.

It's rainy and grey today in that way where there's just not enough coffee in the world to make me perk up and be cheerful.  I feel contrary and whiny.  I've been eating really well until the last couple days.  Out of town guests mean going to all the good local places.  This being the South, the good local places means lots of pork fat and butter.  Sure it tasted good but will I even be able to button my pants this week?

CK gets here tomorrow.  Or today, I guess, but with the already visiting house guest, work and all I won't see him until I get off work tomorrow.  I'm very much looking forward to the few hours I'll get with him between jobs and a little time after work.  Then Thursday UN gets back from her trip (I guess, since she hasn't called me in a week and I don't have her flight itinerary) and I have our final work event (which I guess I'll drag CK along to and suffer through introducing him to all my coworkers).  And I work the rest of the time he's here, so I'll just be squeezing in time with him.

I feel a little cheated that CK's visit was so hurriedly planned and without my input.  I'm thrilled he's coming, but he's not here for any of my regular days off and it's too short of notice for me to get extra time off (which I couldn't afford anyway).  And I'm sure he's fine, he has lots of friends here, who he'll go hang out with while I work endlessly, but I'm a little afraid that will ending up cutting into the time I do have to spend with him.  Bleh.  I don't want to be that girl.  Not ever.  But I do foresee the whole long distance thing making me jealous.  Jealous if his time, I mean, not that I don't trust him or anything like that.  Just worried about enough time being devoted to annoying, princess-y me, who needs ATTENTION.  * sigh *

I got my hair cut. I don't hate it.  I mean, it's pretty good, but it requires styling.  Minimal styling, but some nonetheless.  And so I look like crap today, as I didn't even have the 6 or minutes necessary to dry and style it after washing it this morning.  Is this relevant?  Sure, I'm miserable from the grey rainyness, (how did I survive so many years in the PNW without committing suicide? Seriously!), I'm stressed from work, full of relationship anxiety, worried about the status of my home life, additionally unglued from current and future house guests (even it is CK, still house guests mildly distress me, as you have to keep them entertained, and worry about their happiness and feed them and everything) and on top of all that?  I look yucky. Seriously, I might feel better if I looked fabulous. I even forgot to put on jewelry this morning.  I'm like no-nonsense girl over here, with heels, a skirt and a white blouse, no make-up, no jewelry, and sort of spastic hair.  Yep.

I need more coffee.  Even if there isn't enough in the world, will it help if I just keep drinking it?

I am so fucking worn down.  I've been saying that for a long time, but it never seems to stop being true. I feel like I've been on an endless two steps forward, one step back track for a very long time. Which isn't, you know, getting me very far.

When I moved out here I didn't leave anything worthwhile behind (except, of course my family).  It was a fresh start, of sorts, with three things I really needed to resolve: my romantic life, my career intentions and my interpersonal relationships with other people.  Right now I feel utterly stuck in all of these things.

Romantically, well CK is great.  More than great, but you know there's the 800 miles away thing.  And it's all well and good that I'm totally into him and he he seems to really like me, but even if it works out (however that may be) right now the other two factors are affecting this.

Work is sucktastic.  I love my restaurant job.  If I could work twice as much there and make enough money to live on I would totally do it.  It would give me time to pursue my other plans.  But that's not really a possibility at this point.  The day job is slowly sucking my soul out, as day jobs do.  For a simple, part-time office job it's taking up more and more of my time, of my creative energy, of my ability to think.  I'm assured that once our major event is over (next week) it will scale back to being simpler.  But I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, man, I know that's not the case.  I'm over qualified for this job, and too competent. They know it now and there's no way it'll ever go back to being simple clerical tasks and mindless office work. Sure I can ask for more money, sure I can threaten to leave if they don't pay me what I'm worth for the work they are going to want from me.  But all that means is more work for me, and sure more money, but what good does the money do for me if earning it takes all the time away from all the things I want to be doing?  Because I do know what I want to be doing, I just need time and money.  Honestly I could probably even find investors or something, to start the damn thing up and pay myself, but even doing that takes more planning, work and time than I have the ability to do right now.  I'm stuck here, sucked down into a never ending loop of not having enough time or money to do what I want to do.  And yeah, this affects the possibility of making things work with CK, as I need more money to maintain a long distance relationship, and also more time off for travel. Two things which seem mutually exclusive at this point.  And if I can't get the travel aspect of it together, well there's no relationship.  So work more, earn to travel, try and get time off to go try and  have a real relationship.  Where I am work-wise, right now, it feels like this is just setting myself up for failure.

Sure, I could start looking for a different job, something better paying and more flexible.  It's not impossible, I guess, but it puts me right back at starting all over again.  And I suspect, puts my plans for what I want to really be doing, not just on the back burner, but off the stove.

Interpersonal relationships? I mean, you know, having friends.  Just fucked.  I know I put way too much pressure on myself here, but I can't help it.  By my own standards I'm just really bad friend to almost everyone I love.  I know I'm hindering myself even thinking about it this way.  For years the bulk of my Zen practice has been about letting things go and I can mange it, in some aspects of my life, some of the time, but not with my friends.  I don't call people enough, I don't visit enough, I don't devote the time I feel I should to making sure people know I love them.  I'm always too tired, too busy, otherwise occupied and I don't know how to solve this.  

I know what I want, I want to be more to my friends.  I want to be the girl who is really there when they need her.  I want to make them laugh when they are hurting, to shoulder some of their burden so they can walk lighter through life.  I want to bring people joy and comfort and encourage them to realize their own dreams.  I want to do for them all of the things I wish someone would do for me.

And of course my current living situation has me financially and emotionally beholden to two other people.  My sense of responsibility to them overrides everything else, at this point, to the detriment of my own happiness. FF moving down here is great.  I'm so happy to have her around, don't get me wrong, but it does limit the choices I can make in the next year or so about my own life, because I really do have make sure she's settled and happy and able to create a new life for herself.  And it's okay, I can work with that.  I need to be here to do the things I hope to do professionally, and she can even, possibly help with that.  We're even, we need each other, it's fine.

UN however is a weight.  She's pretty much incapable, despite what she thinks, of taking care of herself.  How she became my responsibility is irrelevant at this point, it's just how it is (the irony that she encouraged me to leave a similar situation back home and then saddled me with the same shit isn't lost on me).  She's insanely needy, clearly doesn't want me to be a relationship that she feels will a) take attention from her or b) will physically take me from her (make me move, etc). She's repeatedly expressed her abandonment issues and how everyone but me has abandoned her emotionally or otherwise (this is code for: don't you leave, bitch). She's managed to be such a complete flake that while she has some financial resources, she has no way of managing them, leaving me essentially giving her an allowance, taking care of all the bills and household expenses.  She relies on me for transportation (as she can get insurance in the US until she gets a US driver's license which she seems unwilling to do). In short, she's a burden on multiple levels. And I'm not sure how this balances out. I'm sure she thinks it balances out by her being such a good friend to me.  Which she is, she really really is, when she's not being smothering, needy or outright inconsiderate.

The obvious answers here are: remove myself from the UN situation and devote some of that energy to caring for my other friends; get a better, more flexible job and/or get my own plans in order and work for myself; and make all of that fit around CK, so we can have at least some semblance of real relationship, so we can see if this really is a thing, is the thing.

And while I'm not saying any of those things are outside the realm of possibility, they are all just very, very complicated right now.

What brought on this huge out pouring of my own crap?  CK told me last night that he was worried about me, about my health, that he felt I was over extended and not likely to stop being so hard on myself or stop over-committing myself. I'm not sure, exactly if he was simply saying he was worried, or that he didn't want to add to my stress, or that I'd have to get it together to make this work, or some combination of any or all of those things. In any case, his comment caused me to stay up half the night berating myself for not being where I think I should be in life professionally, personally or romantically. And yeah, the worry and anxiety over all of it isn't helping me.

I just wish I had better idea of where to start.  Make a list of the things most important to me and meditate on how to make those things happen?  Figure out how to remove roadblocks to my own happiness and start trying to break those down? Pick the few things I think I can fix and focus on those, while ignoring the other things until something can be done about them? No, actually I've been sort of doing that last one and it isn't helping much, though it has caused me to focus a little more on being healthier, in terms of my diet and how I'm living, so that's good I guess.

I was really hoping that writing this all out would make it clearer, but really I don't feel any less overwhelmed.  Indeed, if anything I feel worse now.  I need a plan to make all my other plans work, and there's just so much other work to do, so many other things to worry about. Ack.

Roommates seem to currently spend all their time reading, watching TV and shopping.  Which is fine, in the sense that they are grown ups and can do what ever they want.  However, I work 9 to 12 hours a day and would love to come home and a) not have to have a conversation bored people when I want to be left alone and b) would love to watch TV or a movie without commentary or conversation from the other people crowding the room.  I'm even crankier because they can both go into their room as and watch TV, or at least movies there, while I have nothing but the living room TV to watch.

Now I want to work on a project and I went to start it and discovered that the top to the extra dining table, which was supposed to be moved to the storage room two weeks ago is blocking the cabinets I need to get into.  I can't move it myself and of course every one else is asleep since they stayed up watching TV until 4 am or whatever.

I'd feel better about this if I was sure they both were going to have bills completely covered for October, but I fear it'll be me paying most them again with a vague promise of some future repayment.

Just cranky, haven't had a enough coffee and all I really want to do is sit alone in my own house and watch a movie uninterrupted.

The drama, does it ever end?

Aside from an email and a couple texts, no call from CK for going on three days now.  Oh, what's that, you say?  I could call him?  Well I could, except I've called the last four times and I'm starting to feel awkward about it, like maybe he should call once in a while.  I just don't always want to be the one to initiate contact, you know?  And I hate thinking like this.  Like is this defeating me in some way? If I want to talk to him, shouldn't I just call and not worry? Am I playing some stupid-ass girly game here, trying to get him to express interest by calling me? But even if I am, isn't it important? I mean, don't I need ot know that he wants to talk to me enough to call me?

I had a weird morning, in which I had an event planning meeting with a bunch of very wealthy, name dropping, old money Southern men.  They were all very sweet, bought me coffee, kissed my cheek, talked up my attributes (professional, not physical) and generally treated me very kindly considering that they don't know my family, I'm from the west coast and I'm covered in tattoos (I had no warning this meeting was today and I was essentially filling for someone at it, so I didn't dress appropriately, as I normally would have). Still it was strange and yet another indicator that I need to get out of this line of work.

I did call in yesterday, because I needed some time off.  Of course work called me a dozen times before I turned off my phone.  It's not a mental health day if they keep calling!  Then I spent the day trying to get organized around the house and do some stuff while the roommates read books and watched TV.  Thanks guys, glad you could help me since I know you are all so busy what with being unemployed and all, I'm just over here working 3 jobs, no big deal. ARG.

I need a weekend filled with isolated, solitary relaxation during the day and dirty sex at night.  Sadly I don't think I'll get either.

The last day has been a roller coaster.  Seriously.  I need a break like you wouldn't believe.  Work is killing me. Just too much stress from trying to solve problems for people who have no idea what they are doing.  Plus impending house guests.  Lots of of them.  For several days.  I love my friends.  I am glad they are coming.  I just don't do well with multiple people in my space for very long. I anticipate being a complete mess by the end of the weekend.

On top of that the Heartbreaker saga goes on.  Last night my roommate, UN, came home drunk and chatty.  Now, I call her Unreliable Narrator because she is. It's not that she lies.  I believe she believes everything she says, she just is often misinformed or misunderstands a situation and the relays it incorrectly.  She very often believes things about people that aren't true and I have no idea where she gets her information from. Like she has several times pronounced that I hate (or love) some specific food or band or something.  When I tell her that she totally wrong, or got it backwards or what ever she acts surprised and wonders why she thought that why in the first place. Thus her narrative is unreliable.  But not always, she can be very insightful and in very knowledgable about some things.  It makes it very hard to navigate conversations with her sometimes.  I love her dearly, she's generally a good friend, but often not very helpful.

So last night she launches into this whole thing about HB, telling FF "our" history with him.  Which went something like this:  We were all very good friends, UN spent a lot of time hanging out with him.  And then he was in love with me.  And he tried and tried to make something happen (??? this part was very vague) and then because I was "cold" he gave up and started dating someone else and now he doesn't come around as much anymore.  This was followed by anecdote about how she found out from a mutual friend the story of when HB's best friend committed suicide.  She tried to talk to HB about it and he was reticent. UN finished this off with a comment on how HB never talks about his feelings and so you never know what's really going on with him.

There are so many things wrong with this that I don't know where to begin.  First and foremost is that one of the main reasons I stayed away from seriously trying to pursue anything with HB was UN's insane jealousy about the whole thing, her repeated admonitions that he was not for me and her insistence that I couldn't date him because he was our friend and she didn't want that destroyed by he and I dating and potentially not working out. I had told him that I didn't want to sneak around behind her back anymore and I didn't trust her reaction enough for us to be public about what we were doing. (This, I'm guessing, is the me being "cold" part of her story? I'm not sure exactly.)

Secondly, I have no idea how much of anything she said is fact and how much is her (mostly likely incorrect) perception of the situation.  She said that she didn't want any drama in her life, although oddly every time she says this, the drama in question is always caused by her (though often unwittingly I think).

So I spent some time crying over the whole thing again.  And then stupidly send HB an email saying that we missed him and wished he'd come around more and that I felt there was a whole thing going on that I hadn't understood, or that I hadn't had necessary information at the time and that he should come hang out more.  It was vague, pathetic and ridiculous. And hour later I thought better of it and sent him a text message that said that the email was dumb that I just really needed to talk to him but wouldn't be around much until at least Sunday.  Which also was stupid.  And I've had no response to either.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do here.  Just drop it and move on?  Wait and talk to him and try and rescue our friendship?  Beat UN over the head with a shovel?  Beat my own head against a wall until I don't remember who HB is?

I went to work at the restaurant tonight in a shockingly good mood despite having clearly been an emotional wreck earlier.  Day job was abysmal.  FF and I went shopping after, looking for shorts for an outdoor concert we're going to this weekend.  We were too late.  It's all fall clothes now and size 0s on the clearance racks. Bah.

Work was busy tonight, but I was working with two of my favorite girls and CMB came in at the end of my shift.  I got him a beer (on the house) and said I'd be over, but it was busy and took like 30 minutes.  I left the other girls kind of in the weeds and went and had a beer with him anyway.  We talked about the Katrina anniversary, the band playing, work, the new art in the bar (we have a new "gallery" shows every month) all only sort of 'cause it was loud in there.  Then we went out to smoke and stand in the glorious, delicious rain.  He asked about my day job and talked about his.  Then he he hugged me and said definitely again in the future. So it was...something.  Of course we parted ways, I got in my car and realized that my hair was an insane mess.  The tight knot at my neck had come loose and was all over the place.  *sigh*  I guess if comes back after that he's clearly not totally shallow. ETA: OMG I forgot he was wearing my shirt!  My pirate t-shirt that I love!  I got it at Target and so did he and we bonded over good t-shirts.  SAME PIRATE T-SHIRT.  That means something, right?  No, you're right, probably not.

I came home in super good mood (and hopefully not fired from fucking off when it was busy to go talk to him), to find all the lights on, the stereo playing, and no one here.  Everyone in the household had gone off to a show.  Not before ordering pizza and not leaving me any. Feh.  Usually I love a house to myself, but I wanted company tonight.  And maybe food.  Bleh.

Man, CMB's really cute.  He usually looks concerned or sort of emo, but he has this smile. I'm posting a photo that I stole off his MySpace page, only viewable by my neighborhood because I'm giddy and want to share, but still feeling like I need to be not too revealing in case someone I know really does find this.  Silly I guess.  But he's CUTE.  See?

I still think this probably going nowhere.  But I want him.  When he hugged me it was pretty much all I could do not to beg him to come over and hang out with me more.  I don't know.  He's hot.  He tours a lot.  He probably has girls throwing themselves at him all the time.  Maybe he's just feeling me out to see if I'm groupie-like or actually interested in him as a person.  Which I am.  I see enough fucking musicians to not be impressed easily.  He looks really good in jeans though.  That impresses me.

Now, I'm sitting here, wondering what to do next.  I already tried to call both my sister and my mom, which is sure sign of desperation for conversation (not that they aren't cool, but they come with more issues than a magazine stand).  I guess I'll crack a beer and find some food that sadly won't be convenient pizza just sitting around waiting for me.  Then I'll go stalk CMB's MySpace page some more to see what kind fo comments he gets from girls.  MySpace is seriously a pit of hell designed to make girls like hate themselves for looking at it and seeing what other girls do.  Yuck.  Hmm, maybe I'll watch TV instead.

I'm still feeling a little whiny and complainy this morning but I am just going to let it go.  It's seems to sort of be major refrain lately: let it go. Lo que será, será. Also I'm tired of sounding whiny so today is about the positive.

I took the car to get an oil change this morning and get the fluids checked.  The guys at the place by my work are so great.  It's been STUPID hot here and we're driving 1000 miles round trip this weekend, so he showed me how to check and fill the coolant and explained what else I need to check because of the heat.  He complimented me on taking good care of my car despite it's high mileage and all.  Also it cost about a third of what I expected.  YAY!

I never thought I'd be at place in my life where I could answer, :What are you doing for Labor Day?" With, "I'm going to Arkansas." HA!  Everyone's response is either, "Why?" or "The middle of nowhere, huh?"  But it should be fun, the girls are all coming from LA, NC and Boston.  Hopefully the heat will let up a little (good God, please), the bands will be great and the whiskey will flow like a mythological river.  I expect sunburn, bug bites and hangover at the end of the weekend.  Hurrah! (I should however start planning and packing so I don't forget important things.)

I had completely forgotten HMPs IM from last night until I re-read the post this morning. This is actually made of awesome.  It feels really good to not care.  To genuinely not care and not just lie to myself about not caring.  He stirs no feeling in me beyond mild annoyance and some amusement.  It's been totally let go.  Whooo!

I'm hungry.  I have left over bad chinese food.  Wheee!