31 posts tagged “is it love”

HB has been trying to make plans with me all week in his unreliable way.  I assume he wants to see me because I told him I had a present for him.  So he showed up at the bar last night, with his girlfriend, Yankee Girl.  Which is fine, just he doesn't usually bring her out with me.  Ever.  And she's okay, I don't dislike her, I just, ugh, you know, she's never going to be good enough for him in my mind.  She's certainly pretty enough, but she's not that interesting and she and I really don't share any interests.  Even the things that cross over we come at from such different directions.  And I'm not making excuses, I know I'm not going to like her simply because she is his girlfriend, but even trying to be objective, I just can't find things about her that interest me.

Anyway, they came up and we hung out and talked, mostly about my day job, as YG and I have many mutual social acquaintances through work.  Mostly I stared at her and tried not to think that she was temporary and he was really mine.  Although I sort of even get the sense that she felt that way.  HB sat across from me, and she sat at the end of the table with an empty seat between us and her.  He asked after my family and about how my mom was doing and the whole thing was sort of stilted and weird.  And then when we left he kept saying he'd see me Saturday, though I don't recall making any plans with him.

It does not matter how much I tell myself I am over HB.  It's so not true.  It's fine.  I just need to make sure it stays like this: friendly, easy, with just me being judgmental and filled with a tolerable, low-level ache.  That I can bear.  Probably for the rest of my life if I have too.  I do not want to feel like I am pining for him, like I am missing out by not having more than his friendship.  I don't not want to feel more lonely because of his absence from my romantic life.

Two things: 1) I have the perfect plan for what to with the returned gift from CK.  It's clothing so I am going to give it to HB and feel smug every time he wears it. 2) This boy I see around the hood, we'll call him Boy Next Door, is very cute.  Friday night I left my card for him, with his coworker so he could pretend he next got it. Well he got it and called tonight.  I am in a much better mood now.  Plus DD brought us dinner and DD and FF sat around talking about beating CK to death with a shovel. Yes, I feel much better.

NPR today is talking about love, you can download a podcast of it here.

From the show: "Casual sex is never casual, as it can trigger brain mechanisms you weren't expecting."  You're telling me, sister!

It was actually pretty interesting.  Certainly reinforced my recent thinking that I should plan on a long string of lovers and give up the notion of a life partner. Which seems sensible, given my own fickleness.  However, right now, I would still like to find one that is loyal, monogamously faithful, really into me and gonna be around for a year or two. (Don't worry, next week I'll have given up practicality and be mooning around, romantically hoping for a prince to sweep me off my feet for the rest of my life.)

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I was laying awake last night wondering if one of my recent paramours would surprise me on Valentine's Day.  The answer is no.  I shouldn't even hope.  But it did get me thinking about how much I appreciate grand gestures.  Even when CK not calling had passed the point of acceptable excuse, I knew I'd accept a grand gesture in lieu of a satisfactory reason.  Hell, I might still, how ever at this point he'd have to have my name spelled out over NYC or something. A parade in my honor.  Or something.  Or perhaps I just feel I deserve more gifts than I get.  Not in a greedy, gimee stuff kind of way, but as a general recognition of how awesome I am.

So I was an hour late to work this morning after spending the night with HMP.  I feel quite gratified, not just in the dirty sense, because while he is still potentially an insensitive jerk, I do remember now why I put up with it before. It's like our bodies were created by some mad scientist to fit and function perfectly together.  Having been with him again, I have to say, everyone else I've had sex with in the last year, well their stock just went down a few points.  There isn't much than can compete with how good HMP is. Or rather how good we are together.  Too bad it doesn't really extend past the physical. But damn, he's hot, sweet and it was a night well spent.  He tried to convince me to call into work and spend the day in bed with him, but I thought it best to get out of there as quickly as possible.  I expect he'll call me in the next couple weeks, but I'm hoping to resist temptation, so let's all cross our fingers that he doesn't call when I've been drinking and am lonely, because that will be my undoing.

I was talking to the girls at work the other night, and defined basically what I need in a long term partner.  When dating and in the early stages of a relationship, I do not need to be courted, flattered or charmed.  I mean, it's nice and all, but I'm good with just hanging out, talking, and getting all those necessary mutual likes and dislikes on the table, and the stories of that person's history.  That's enough for me.  But as the relationship goes on that's when I want the romance.  I want tiny surprise gifts just because he was thinking about me.  I want to feel like he's really interested in me and how I think and what I am creating. At the end of the day I want to feel like he's dying to touch me and that he feels more complete having shared life with me.  Obviously I want to feel the same way about him.  No tall order, that. Heh.

I feel tonight like I am on the verge, the threshold, of something. I'm not sure what exactly, but something good

I am without a boyfriend and I clearly acknowledged to myself today that I don't really like that.  I just want someone to curl up in bed with.  Someone to have breakfast with.  Someone to call and and tell all about my day.  Someone who is interested, who thinks I'm clever, who thinks I am pretty.  Someone I can call when I am sad.  Someone who will share the little and the big joys in my life.  I've been looking for this person for a long time.  There have been a lot of trials, but none have yet made the finals. CK isn't ever going to be that someone.  I have no current prospects.  I am okay with that.  I am lonely.  But not painfully so.  I will make cleanly through to whatever is waiting around the corner.  It'd be nice if love is waiting.  It's okay if it isn't.

Work is dreadful.  I love the bar.  If I could support myself just working there I would totally do it.  My day job feels like my secondary making ends meet.  I currently have the possibility of promotion.  Nothing yet in stone, but it could be more money, a few more hours, a slightly more flexible schedule and much better job title and responsibilities. When this becomes a firm offer (in about ten days) I think I am going to decline. I am currently on track to seriously look for another job.It's kind of a tough place to be.  The new position is actually pretty perfect for me and I think I'd like to do it.  It's just I have issues with my current boss, and while he would no longer be my boss, he recently hired a guy that I can not stand and the two of them together are simply unbearable.  No hyperbole.  No exaggeration. I just in all seriousness want to FLEE the room whenever the two of them are talking (or just whenever new guy is around).  And while I'd have a different boss, I'd still have to work with these guys at least 25% of the time and I just don't think I could take it.  So new job lurking just around the bend.  I expect it won't be easy because of my need for flexibility and my very requirements for a job, but I'm sure something is out there.

My roommate UN is moving out. This involves some financial shuffling, though no real damage on that front.  And since she's out of town, we'll probably (voluntarily, and gladly) do most of the packing for her.  But hey, WAY less stress, less household complications, and a whole room to sew, dance, exercise, work, dream or whatever in.

What I've had for the last few months: a relationship burdened by distance/lack of physical closeness; a job that I can barely bring myself to go into; a complicated, stressful living situation.  What I have waiting for me: wide open possibilities for love, joy and finding peace with myself; any number of interesting new jobs; a rearranging and resettling of my home into a place that's a pleasure to be.

I am tired and whiny and full of self pity tonight.  FF has been really sick for a few days, coughing, 100 degree fever, general yuck. I've been doing my best to take care of her, getting stuff she needs from the store, making soup, being sympathetic etc. but I really needed this weekend to regroup from the past couple weeks and while I did get a bunch done this weekend, it was as productive or as relaxing as I would have hoped. And now, additionally I feel guilty for not doing more for FF, though I really don't know what I could have done.  Hopefully I've dodged the bullet on getting sick myself as well, unless this virus has a particularly long incubation period, I should be okay.

HB just called me to tell about something going on tonight that I really should be at.  I'm too tired to go out.  To full of self pity to put on make-up.  Too PMS-y to want to be seen in public.  Yet I hate myself a little for not going too.  Vicious, vicious cycle.  Plus I so just can't deal with HB right now. Not that it isn't completely between us, it is, just sometimes I get so much pleasure out of being friends and hanging out with him and other times it feels awkward and awful.  I don't think I could deal with it going either way tonight.

Anyway my real problem is CK.  He's distant, not really returning calls and such and he's evasive and defensive when I do manage two minutes of his time. Yes, I have addressed this head on, asking if he's avoiding breaking up with me, if he's feeling the pressure of the distance and conflicting schedules or or what. I just can't get an answer from him.  I've pretty much given up at this point and have moved on to trying to actively avoid mourning what appears to be over. Yeah, I'd give him a second chance with a decent explanation, but I'm not particularly optimistic at this point. And yeah, I'm upset, but mostly I'm just horribly disappointed in that way it is when your hopes are dashed to the ground and stomped on. Plus I have the bonus hormonal face punch of feeling unattractive, bloated, blotchy and unloveable.  YAY!  It's good to be me today.  And most of it will pass soon, I know.  And I knew long distance would be hard and have it's own horrible communications complications.  Perhaps I was just too optimistic about my ability to manage it.

I swear to god, even this pathetic and miserable, that I would make someone an awesome, awesome girlfriend.  I just worry about my ability to find the person that's going to recognize that.

Okay, enough pity party for me. Back to house cleaning, chores and real life.

2000 Miles - The Pretenders

I haven't been posting much because every time I sit down to write something I find pretty much all I want to do about how lame the long distance relationship thing is.  And man, that's not interesting to anyone, not even me at my most self-involved.  So here's a couple bright lights in the dimness of the distance thing.

I was a little whiny to CK the other night as our schedules haven't been matching up and we haven't been able to talk as much recently.  Since then he's been making a clearly concerted effort to call me at random times (when he's waiting for his train etc.) just to say hi and see how I am.  I know he's doing it because I was whiny, but I really appreciate that he makes the effort.  I don't know that I've dated many guys who would bother.  They'd just say, "Sorry I'm busy, we'll talk when we can,"  but CK makes 'when we can' an actual thing.

Yesterday we had a conversation where he initially misunderstood where I said I was, once clarified he said, "Oh, didn't think you had any aptitude for handguns."  I laughed, "Hey, I could have secrets!" He paused and then said, "No, not really," in this really sweet way that makes me feel like he's really been paying attention to me.  Like not just in that moment, but over all.  And even if he isn't, he's really good at making me feel that way.  Making me feel it in a way where I don't feel like he's intentionally charming me or trying to convince me that he's doing something that he's not.  He's genuinely interested in me, in what I have to say, he is paying attention and even when he's not he manages to convey his unconditional but not always focused interest in a way that makes me feel valued.

I had a nice visit with CK a week back.  It was rollercoastery, as he was all over, I ended up driving to Huntsville to bring him back a day early (but more time with him, YAY!), I had to work a lot and so on.  But he took to meet, well, basically his adopted brother and sister-in-law. Which was a little stressful for me, but he really relaxed and enjoyed himself and I really appreciate what he was trying to do (let me more into his life).  We had another long hard conversation about the long distance thing being hard and I held fast that he could break up with me because he wanted someone else, but not just because this was hard.

Since his visit he's different.  Good different.  The best I can describe it is to say that he is onboard with the good boyfriend program.  Which is excellent, because after our last talk, after I took him to the airport, I was thinking about it a lot and I realized that I am way more invested in making this work than I initially realized. I'm wary of talking love, but I am most definitely wholly committed ot making this work in way I haven't been in any of my previous relationships. However, I can't pinpoint exactly why.  I do know that at this point what I really want in a long-term relationship is someone who will continually challenge me to be better, but will also love me unconditionally no matter what I do and whether I succeed or fail.  I don't believe in life-long soulmates, or the choir of angels when you finally meet the right person.  I think you have to work at it no matter what (which is why arranged marriages often work, because the people are committed and making the best of it).  Of course, I want fireworks, romance, tenderness and hot sex. But honestly, those things haven't been so hard for me to find, it's the guy willing to stick to it through thick and thin, who is also someone I can see myself growing old with, some one who balances me by having knowledge and experience different than my own, but similar enough that we fully understand each other.  So far CK seems to be this person. I don't if it will last, if it will work out, but for now, even from a far, I feel cared for and looked after in a way I never have before.

During his visit, with no prompting from me, CK also made an effort to smooth over his previous jerkiness to FF (although he wants nothing to do with UN ever again, luckily she was out of town for his whole visit). He took me to meet his friends and family and talked more openly with me than he had previously. I have to say, when I'm with him I feel more calm and able to be completely myself than I ever have with anyone else, except maybe my first husband (and even then not until a year or two into it).  I"m pretty much totally smitten at this point.

Overall, I'm feeling positive and happy and excited about the future except for in my day job which I'll post about later, full of expletives and negativity, but it's not forever, so it's not affecting my long term joy, just the hours I'm there or worrying about it. And I guess the same is true for the UN situation, but what's going to to happen with that remains to be seen.

I picked CK up Wednesday afternoon, we went downtown, ran some rather touristy errands he wanted to get out of the way (t-shirts for friends, etc.), then we hung out in the peace and quiet if my house for a while before I had to go to work at the restaurant.  CK came up later and spent the evening talking music with my boss until I was done with my shift.  Then we had a nice, if late, night together.

Thursday morning I worked, while CK did his own work from the house.  Hearing he was in town, a friend offered him a gig Saturday night, so we went to buy guitar strings, did some of my errands, went clothes shopping and he took me out for Mexican.  Thursday night was a work event for me from the day job, and CK came along, which was nice of him, since I don't think it was super fun for anyone. Though we spent several hours snuggled up on the couch beforehand, so the day seemed pretty joyous overall.

Friday I didn't have to work in the morning, but the day was rainy and grey and chill, so we spent a good portion of it in bed (yeah, like that, but also drinking coffee and reading and chatting). Friday night, I worked, CK came up with a friend of his who recently moved here and they had dinner, then I met up with them later to see a bluegrass jam downtown.

Saturday was grey and chill again so the morning was spent again in bed with many cups of hot coffee and lots of talking.  Then we went for the best burgers in town, which he likes burgers and agreed these were great.  I get an odd satisfaction of taking people places to eat that they really like.  Then CK had to get ready to play his gig, and I had to go to work too.  Both our commitments ended about the same time, so we headed off into dream date land.  

See I have three requirements for a serious relationship (well many others too, but these are strangely the foremost ones).  Basically I've said I won't get seriously involved with someone unless they live up to these three things.  Number one, take me on a date to the Opryland hotel.  Sure it's a ludicrous place, but I love the scale of it's absurdity and the Garden Conservatory room is one of my favorite places.

So CK takes me to the Opryland hotel, not with any foreknowledge of my wanting to go, rather it was mostly a way to kill time until the next thing.  We walked around a bunch, sat on bench under the little waterfall for an hour talking.  During which I think CK realized what a good choice he'd made, as he looked at me and said, "This is the most relaxed I've seen you look since I got here."  It was lovely and romantic and sweet all around, holding hands, walking around and making fun of all the touristy stuff. :)

After that we headed off to watch the WSM radio broadcast of the Ernest Tubb Midnite Jamboree, thus fulfilling one of CK's childhood dreams. Which was fun (and I'll probably go back next week, even with CK, because Ralph Stanley is hosting). Afterwards we went to the Waffle House (where else do you go at 2 am?) and got our meal comped because it took them too long to bring our check. So in the end not only was it a great date, but like the cheapest one ever (as the WSM show and the hotel walk were also free).

Sunday morning was too short, we slept late after our late night and didn't have time for much more than coffee and breakfast, getting ready to go to the airport and quick trip to the cemetery so CK could leave flowers for a friend). Dropped CK off and headed home, trying not to cry, only to have him call me when I was halfway home to say there was a problem and he wouldn't be leaving until Monday.  So back to the airport I went.  We went for coffee, sat out in the sun, ran into a few friends of mine from the neighborhood, and then went back to my house to an impromptu dinner party (which didn't exactly go swimmingly).

Monday was also nice, I took the day off work and we went and walked around in the sun and again spent a while hanging around the local coffee shop before we headed off to the airport.  I spent most of Monday afternoon busying myself with little things that needed doing around the house and such so as to distract myself from his absence.

Overall it was pretty nice visit.  I mean he got to do lots of things he wanted, saw people he wanted and I think had a nice time, despite the discomfort in my house.  We spent a lot of time talking.  He listened to all my bitches about work without judgmentally telling me I needed to be doing something else.  Though later under cover of other conversation, he actively encouraged me to find ways to do the things I want to be doing and offered any help he could give (at least what help he could give at this point, without entwining our affairs too much, should this all not turn out to be what we both hope it will--I do find we are both being very cautious about this, I guess that comes with age and experience?). CK was also clearly worried that I'm stretching myself too thin currently, not just with work but with everything.  It was clear he didn't want to add to the problem, and didn't have a lot of solutions to offer, but it was nice to have him observant of it.  It was also nice to be told that I looked good.  And not in that way where you get dressed and ready to go and the guy says, "You look great, let's go!" but later in the day or evening when you're off doing something or out with other folks and he leans over and whispers in your ear, "You look amazing/lovely/beautiful/happy/whatever," which always feels more meaningful, like not just a compliment for the sake of one.