5 posts tagged “look forward”
The Bad:
- Grey skies
- Letting other people affect how I feel
- Wallowing in self pity
- Feeling like I have a hangover when I didn't even drink
- My day job
- Hair that won't cooperate with my awesomeness
The Good:
- Warmer weather, even if it's just for a few days
- Being strong enough to move the fuck on
- My iPod giving me a run of perfect songs
- Losing weight without even trying
- My night job
- Today's shoes:
Yes, today is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't care if I sound like a self-help book. I am strong. I can do anything I want. I will overcome all minor emotional pitfalls in my life. If clothes are a reflection of, um, anything about a person, then today I look like a rockstar: black pintuck blouse; dark, fitted straight-leg jeans; the shoes the shoes the shoes; delicate, sparkly jewelry; knee-length, spring weight, black coat. Of course my hair is is a little windswept and I suspect it doesn't look intentional (it wasn't), but that's fixable. Besides everyone will be looking at my awesome shoes anyway. These are the shoes of a girl about to take over the world.
Do you guys remember CMB? Well he came into the bar last night for the first time in months. As he was coming in, someone he knew was going out, and while CMB clearly was trying to initiate conversation with me, his friend waylaid him just long enough for me to get really busy. 10 minutes later when I had a second, CMB was gone, gone, gone. He managed to say hi, wish me a happy Valentine's Day, and look like he had something else to say and that was it. Boo. I don't even want to date him. Last night in my feverish state I was amusing (or at least occupying) myself, b thinking about what would happen if I told him that I thought we had a connection, but I didn't want to do more than sex him, and then maybe, whatever, we'd see where it went. There's surely very few guys that would object to this. I'd never do it though, well never with CMB, other guys maybe. Anyway, I don't think I'm even making sense. I'm utterly sleep deprived.
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Last night I was so miserable, feverish, congested, exhausted, alone. I guess I could have woken up FF or one of my other friends and had them go to the all-night pharmacy for me, but I didn't. Instead I laid in bed and thought about how being sick is the most miserable and lonely part of being single. About how, though we had our problems, my ex-husband would have gotten up and dressed in the middle of the night and gone to the store to get something to make me feel better. Which since I couldn't sleep led me to wonder how, nine years after we divorced, he could still even cross my mind. And I remembered that I dreamt about him the other night. A dream in which he was remodeling his house with all these amazing skylight filled rooms and suddenly I found myself outside his house, admiring the remodel and how he'd made it look like a fairytale castle but I couldn't get inside, I could only appreciate it from the outside, while my ex-husband and his new family were inside. I'd just like to give my brain a big, F- You for that bit of sleep psychology. Ugh.
Despite all that I feel okay today, I mean still hideously sick, but not really miserable.
Okay, I confess, I kind of like HMP. I was telling my pal, Super Ninja Badass, this morning that I feel like HMP and I have reached some sort of level playing field and it ain't bad. Like maybe it's okay to be friends who just sleep together? I mean, it's clearly better now that I don't expect anything like I did last year, but the year apart seems to have sort of smoothed his rough edges as well.
He came up to the bar last night, alone, so I stayed after my shift and has a beer with him. We wended up going back to my place. And here's the thing, this story should end with "and had crazy, dirty sex all night," but it doesn't. He came over, roamed around my house, picked up a bunch of my recent art works and really, genuinely complimented me on them, expressed interest in the ideas behind them and asked good questions about them. Then we went and watched a movie in my room, so as not to disturb FF and because it was warmer in my room. So warm in fact that we we were both shedding clothing throughout the film. And then...we went to sleep. I woke up once during this night, and again this morning with him all wrapped around me. It was just nice. We had a nice time talking last night. He was suitably amused by the movie I picked, we had a nice, sort of comforting night.
Granted I still think he's sort of annoying, and was completely an insensitive jerk last year. He's not entirely forgiven, but he's on probation now, instead of being shut out. And presently his good qualities outweigh his bad. I'm not sure how long that will last though.
And seriously, how easy am I? All a guy has to do is express interest in my art in a kind and honestly curious sort of way and I'm completely won over? Wow.
Still no word form CK. He can take his childish ass and fuck right off. As my nearest and dearest said, he could have at least given me the coward's break up in text messages. But no, not a peep. So I did the only thing a girl like me can do, went right out and slept with someone else.
We didn't actually have sex (erm, depending on how you're defining sex), but we fooled around a lot. We went for a drink, talked for forever, went back to his place, talked more, made out, I spent the night, and we fooled around more in the morning. Then he made coffee and breakfast in bed, and we laid around in our underwear and watched Repo Man. So overall, as far as dates go, pretty much excellent.
Not a thing though, just some guy I'm friends with and now, it would appear, friends with benefits. That's cool though.
As far as break-ups go, I'm all over the place. Like I have no closure, no idea if I did something, or he met someone else, or just decided I wasn't worthy or what. Which I find pretty upsetting. But since it was long distance, and he hasn't been calling much for weeks now, I'm not really feeling the loss in every day life. Mostly I'm pretty practical and matter of fact about it. I haven't cried much yet, but am still expecting a massive breakdown over the whole thing. I can feel it bubbling up inside me.
Of course HB came out of the woodwork right as all this was going down (though as far as I know he had no idea it was going down) and he's been making an effort to hang out with me a lot and asked to work on a long term collaborative artistic project with him. This is awesome, as we are just friends and I love hanging out with him. However in the past week I have had the following conversation no less than five times:
well meaning close friend: "how's CK?"
me: *explains the jackassery*
wmcf: "oh sweetie, I'm sorry."
me: "it's okay, I'll be fine"
wmcf: "I don't understand why you aren't just dating HB anyway."
me: "..."
Seriously, it's like a conspiracy, except most the people I had this conversation with don't know each well enough to conspire about anything. So, I am back to fantasizing about dating HB, but I think I'm best leaving it at that. At least for now, until I get my equilibrium back.
HA!! Okay, HB just called while I was typing this to see if I wanted to go "hang out" When I told him I was sick, he prodded and poked, until I explained the coughing, the snot, the unshoweredness and the firm position on the couch in sweatpants. "Ew, maybe I don't wanna see you," he replied. "Naw, I still do, but you don't, so call me when you're better. Maybe tomorrow or Thursday?" *sigh* He really is such a good boy. Even my mom loves him, she was talking all about him on the phone last night. There's no escaping it. Clearly, she's conspiring with my friends.
I haven't been very introspective lately. Almost entirely a factor of busy-ness and stress. I had a hard tme coming up with any conceivable resolutions for the New Year because it's hard to think about what you want to change about yourself when you aren't looking inwardly at all.
Honestly, though, I don't really want to change myself much. I'm not unhappy or disappointed with who I am. I will strive to be better person. To forgive more and identify the good in a person or situation rather than taking the easy road and complaining about it.
I am going to temporarily drop off some of my hobbies and such and devote what little time that now affords me to focusing on the work and career aspects of my life and getting myself to a better place professionally.
I will not let joy flit by in 2008. I will savor and remember the moments of it better. I will do better to love the people close to me in the ways they deserve and by the means they recognize.
I need to learn that I deserve to get more for doing less. While this is mostly tied to work, remembering it will probably serve me in many aspects of my life.
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I survived the holidays with my family with no drama and minimal complications, which I think is the most I can ask for. I miss them very much, but I don't at all regret moving away. I'm very sorry that it makes my mother so unhappy, but I don't know what to do to fix that and still live my own life.
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CK and I were barely able to talk over the holidays. Our schedules were just complete opposites and days of house guests didn't help much either. Though now I'm unsure if our schedules are just really fucked, or if he's actively avoiding me as a precursor to breaking up with me. If he is, I know it's distance and scheduling that are the problems, but it won't hurt any less if it's coming. Possibly I just have awful PMS and am emotionally overwrought from the holidays and expecting the worst with no solid basis for it. But I can't even seem to pin him down to talk about it, which makes me more worried. I mean, reasonably, we both knew the holidays were going to be hard and complicated. We are still negotiating, essentially continually negotiating, how to make this a workable relationship for us. It's reasonable to have some rough, distance-y parts like this. I just don't like it. And I don't like how right now I feel like it's falling apart, rather than feeling like it's a bump in a long road.
I can just stop and take a deep breath and remember that fixing the job stuff is going to make me much happier in the long. Really I don't need a man for my happiness. I just like this one and I wanted him to be "the" one. I'm not yet letting go of the possibility of that being true, I'm just being realistic about the possibility of it not working out. I guess. Ugh. I'm tired of thinking about it.
