3 posts tagged “mi familia”
So HMP called me today. He's actually emailed a couple times recently, he's moving back to town tomorrow and looking for a place. I helped, gave him a couple names and numbers of places. I suspect he is still an emotional fuckwit and all but I have agreed to go have a drink with him. I need distraction and entertainment. He's super hot, he's a good kisser and I don't have to find out later that he's an ass because I already know. I figure the worst case scenario here is I have a drink with him and listen to him talk about himself for hours, best I get dinner and heavy petting out of the deal. Whatever. I mean, it's been a year. I was way into him back then, he wasn't that into me, my feelings got hurt a lot. Knowing what I know, I can still enjoy his company but I don't have to go any further than that emotionally.
I'm just bored. I mean, no, I'm insanely busy, but I haven't kissed anyone in a while and it sure would be nice. I really need to meet some decent guys who aren't married. Hell, I'd settle for gay ones at this point, at least they'd tell me I look fabulous.
I've opted not to respond to my stepmother. It's just a can of worms I do not need to deal with right now. I didn't even tell my mom about it when she called last night, as I just wasn't up to dealing with that fallout/bitchfest.
Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching with no prospects but some pointed comments from the yuckier patrons at the bar. I've never made a big deal about the day. I've never dated anyone who really did much for me--my ex-husband once brought me flowers, but I found out later they'd been sent to his work for a co-worker whose daughter died and no one wanted them so he gave them to me UGH. Generally it's not that big of a deal but this year I feel pretty bitter about it. Lonely anyway.
I love my mom. More, in fact, than anyone else in the world. Which I guess at my age I should have a husband or a kid or something that have become primary for me. But I don't and so my mom is still number one. I'm sure there's some psychological problem with this, eternal adolescence or something, as I haven't properly developed adult relationships or something. Or maybe it's normal and fine I don't know. In any case, my mom is aces. Unfortunately my relationship with her, need for her approval, etc. means that no one else can as easily as she can. And vis versa. Lately we're just reciprocating ball of misery, feeding off each other.
I called her last night, just to check in, chat, make plans. My mom, dad and sister coming down here for a week at Christmas. My sister has visited, but my parents never have. Though it's never been explicitly said my mother has refused to set foot in Tennessee because as far as she's concerned the whole state stole me away and she wants nothing to do with it. While I know she thinks this, and it's very obvious, she thinks she's cleverly hiding her feelings and making it easy on us all, instead of more awkward and painful. Last night's phone call turned to:
Me: So, we've got 7 days, what kind of things do you all want to do while you're here?
Momma: Convince you to move back home.
Me: We'll if we're going to spend 7 full days doing that, I don't think anyone will have any fun.
Momma: Sorry, I didn't mean that. Well, I did, but that's the only time you'll ever hear me say it. [She says that every time, that's the only time I'll hear her say it.]
Me: It's okay, I miss you too.
Momma: You don't need to worry about our visit, I'm fine just sitting in the hotel room and reading a book.
Me: Well, the city does have some things to offer.
Momma: I guess I'd like to see the university campuses and other pretty places to walk...
And so on, we made plans for museums and some other stuff. But now it's like there's this shadow over their whole visit. I was all ready to show them all the great things about Nashville, and make them see it through my eyes and love it. So at least they'd understand a little why I am here. But now it feela like the whole thing is stacked against me, and she won't even quit being sad/mad about me moving long enough to try and appreciate this place at all.
The only thing I have back out west is my family. And I love them, but a grown girl can't stay some place forever, just so she can be close by when her mom calls, you know?
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IRB came into the restaurant the other night.
Once when we were dating he told me that no woman in the world was as perfect as his sister. And that he'd probably only get married again if he found a girl just like his sister.
I'm sure it's okay to to think things like that, as long as you don't say them out loud or act on them or anything. Anyway, he came into the restaurant with a girl that I thought was his sister. She looked like his sister. I set a waitress to them and tried to avoid that part of the restaurant. The waitress came back and told IRB and the girl were holding hands. "Are you sure it's his sister?" She asked. Not 100% no, but even it's not, YIKES, he's dating a girl that looks enough like his sister that it fooled me? EW.
As they left the girl glared and scowled at me, though she'd smiled when they came in. I suspect she found out some time during dinner that he used to date me. Hey girl, don't glare at me. Glare at him. He should have picked some place else for dinner, he knew I'd be here.
I'm worn down. I say that all the time but it's never less true. A friend of mine died suddenly on Thursday and it hit me harder today than I expected it too. I'm usually sort of casual about death. I mean, people die, it's uncontrollable and you either get through it and get over it or you don't. But there's been some weird, very sad, interactions with her husband and it's left me feeling more morose and distressed about the whole thing than I otherwise would be. She was an amazing person, I wasn't as close to her as I wished, but geography prevented that when I moved across the country. In any case, she will be missed.
Work at the restaurant was fucking hell tonight. Jam packed, busy and just my nerves were already jangling with the residuals of the last few weeks and I could barely deal with it. But it's over and really it is just work. I'm glad to be able to forget it when I'm not there.
I came home and finally got a hold of my older sister, whom I haven't talked to in weeks, which is an anomaly and she just, I don't know, settles me. I feel much much better after having talked to her. She's having a bad time with her son. He's 12 and therefore an asshole. God, spare me from pubescent boys. Or god spare her, I guess, since I don't have one to worry about. But it was really good to talk to her and I feel less anxious and freaked out about work and life and everything in general. She just helps me puts things in perspective somehow. I don't know, I guess it's talking to some one who I feel really knows me, has known me and doesn't judge me ever really helps.
I just tried to call CK. He didn't answer but calling him was good too, since I often feel hesitant about it and it starts this weird feedback loop where I worry if he actually wants to talk to me or if I should wait for him to call me. But now, I figure if I want to talk to him, I should just call and he'll answer or he won't and I'm good with that. I'm trying really hard to not freak out unnecessarily about all this. I really like him. But, yeah, it doesn't really mean anything until I go visit him and we actually know, you know? I just hate the inbetween times in life, the waiting. It feels like something, SOMETHING, but I can't really know until I go, and I'm trying to be calm about that.
Tomorrow I don't work at all. Nothing. I'm planning to read all day, though that never works out. I'll probably end up doing chores and such and trying to catch up on my life, but that will be good too, as the last few weeks have been nonstop too much stress and being at least a little caught up will probably make me feel better than fucking off all day would.
ETA: CK just called me back. He was in a grim and terrible mood, but still charming and funny. He got off the phone after 20 minutes, saying he didn't wish his nasty mood to be put on anyone, especially not me. I said I'd talk to him soon, and he said, "You'd better," all crankily, but still it was sweet in this way and made me pretty sure I should keep calling him when I've I feel the need.
