3 posts tagged “pie-eyed”
It stormed like crazy tonight. Nothing was safe from the water, the wind sent the rain horizontal. Everything on the porch is wet. I got caught out in it and came in soaked to the skin.
Now I'm dry and warm, bundled up in bed listening to my iPod which is giving me nothing but an endless stream of sad songs. This might be because I listen mostly to sad music? I don't know. I'm sure I listen to happy music too, it just doesn't seem to be coming up on shuffle tonight.
I don't know if I was lonely before the string of sad songs, or if it's an outcome of that. I hate CK being so far away. Seriously I don't know if I can do this. I just want to curl up with him tonight, we wouldn't even have to talk, but it's not a choice I have.
I need to call my mom, but I keep putting it off. I might feel better if I talk to her. I might feel worse. I can't if the positive possibility is worth the risk of calling. 50% chance I'll get off the phone and just be horribly guilty for moving so far away and homesick too. I don't know if I could take that on a night like this.
Is it High Fidelity where the protagonist asks which came first the pop song or the feeling of it? I feel like that now. So many sad country songs I can't help but wonder if I'd be cheerful on a stormy fall night, all alone, if I listened only to polka music or something? Well, maybe not polka specifically, because that would make anyone suicidal, but you get the point.
I have gotten a lot of work done in the last couple days. Not as much as I'd like, but I'm trying to remind myself that I can only do so much, that it's okay to spend part of the evening watching Heroes (even if it is sucking this season), that I am accomplishing things, and I can't rush things because it doesn't make more get done. I've been trying to set small goals for myself, in 10 and 30 day increments (well I start with 10 and hope to make it to 30). I think the next will be to spend 30 minutes a day meditating. I'll go easy and include walking alone in the park etc. anytime I'm alone, undistracted and thinking. I have been so out of practice that I think I need to go back and start contemplating the Four Noble Truths that Buddha gained understanding of when he sat beneath the bodhi tree:
- Nothing lasts forever
- Suffering comes from attachment and desire
- The end of suffering is attainable
- Through living by the Noble Eightfold path (which is basically speaking, acting and thinking in a right or morally correct way).
I didn't mean for this to turn into a lesson, but now I'm thinking about it. Because the meditative aspects of Buddhism have always worked for me int the past, particularly my personal understand of that the Eightfold Path means and how to follow it. Actual serious Buddhist practice is beyond me. I was raised with it and I can't commit to the five basic precepts (essentially vegetarianism, abstinence from intoxicants, no lying, stealing or killing, no rape or sexual violence--obviously it's only the first two that trip me up, the rest are fairly easy for me and, hopefully, most people). I have never been able to commit myself in the way necessary to follow the closest thing I have to religion. I suppose I should start by meditating on why that is. Ha! Um, I find that really funny. The whole thing is so circular.
I had a point? Oh, yes, regular meditation. I find just keeping this blog has made me much more introspective than I have been in recent months and that's helpful, but perhaps I need to go a little deeper. I often think of myself as the loneliest girl around, or the loneliest one in a crowd. I need to let go of whatever makes me feel that way. I just can't ever seem to slow down enough to think deeply enough to find the release switch to drop whatever I'm clinging to that makes me feel so empty.
Holy shit, man, I'm seriously contemplating not posting this at all. How did I end up talking about all this anyway?
Oh seriously, universe, if you were trying to teach me a lesson, I learned it, okay?
A while back I hooked up with this guy that comes into the restaurant a lot. Indeed, he's one of my boss's good friends (also boss man needs a good nick name, hmmm) and has been coming there regularly since we opened. (You can see that this is going to end badly, can't you?) I've talked to the guy a bunch and he seemed smart, funny, pretty cute, gainfully employed, la la la la la la. So one night he drives me home as I'm a bit smashed. UN totally tried to cock block me, which, you know, I should have listened to her, but I was drunk, belligerent and whatever. So I sleep with him. It's, you know, okay, not great. Whatever.
And then he just becomes not at all the guy I thought he was. Now, remember, I see him a lot at work, but we don't hang out outside of that or anything. So he leaves me his number. I don't give him mine. I don't call him. It was a one time thing and I figure I'll see him around. Again, whatever. That should be it. Of course it isn't. When I don't call him, he starts calling our mutual friends and asking for my number. Including calling DD several times. Presumably the friends all follow DD's lead a don't give him the number, so he thankfully doesn't call me. However, he does get a hold of my email address and emails me 4 times in about 36 hours. Yikes. I don't reply to any of the emails. He disappears for a while, but turns out he was on tour and after a month or so he resurfaces.
I'm nice to him when I see him. He's generally a nice guy, except the creepy stalkery part, and I was giving him a pass on that assuming he hadn't had sex with a hot girl in a while and forgot how to act or something. I don't know.
So one night he's in the restaurant and we're bullshitting as I'm getting off work (purse and keys in hand, about to go out the door) and he leans in and whispers, "I sure had fun that night." I'm like, yeah, great, gotta go! Basically I brush it off and willfully forget about it.
Time passes, he's around and not as he tours. I'm nice to him when I see him. I assume that the end. Until last night when he comes in. He's telling me how nice I look, how cute my dress is, what a pretty girl I am, blah blah blah. And I guess I'm not reacting right (although I'm trying to be a polite as possible) as he says (not in a mean way) "Hey, I just wanted to pay you a compliment." I thank him and mildly apologize saying I've never been very good at taking compliments (which is true). He goes off to talk my boss, his other friends, whatever.
Later it slows down a bit and I'm standing at the front, behind the hostess stand, texting UN (the text said, ironically, "please kill me") and right as I'm closing the phone this guy comes up behind me, puts his hands on my hips, startles the crap out of me and whispers in my ear, in the sleaziest way imaginable, "I wouldn't mind getting up under that skirt again." Ew. EW EW EW EW!
I mean really, when is ever okay to say something like to a girl unless perhaps she's your wife or live-in and you're half joking? YUCK. I realize it was my opening to say, "Sorry, dear, that was one time deal." But I missed it, as I was too busy trying suppress a full body shudder (which UN later pointed out would also be a good way to put a guy off--shudder disgustedly when he talks to you). Instead, I didn't turn around, didn't say anything, waited to shudder and half-retch until he walked away. And yeah, I know, I should have told him off in no uncertain terms and normally I would have, but he's one of my boss's oldest friends and I could possibly jeopardize my job, or at least my relationship with my beloved boss if I'm horrible to this guy. It's shitty position to be in, but I got myself there, eh?
So, yes, universe, if you wanted to remind me that I should be very careful about who I hook up with, I get it, really get it. Please no more hideous reminders.
So hungover. Jagermeister is never a good idea. Ever. You know what else isn't a good idea? Text messaging when you're drunk. Seriously, I need a minder, someone to follow me around and keep me from doing stupid things. The last bit of last night's stupidity was texting CK at 2am and saying, "I can't sleep. I miss you. Is that creepy?"
ARG. It's like feeling sheepish and foolish in the morning without even getting laid the night before. He replied with, "Not creepy as the feel is mutual but ill-timed."
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Like he's still interested but he's seeing someone else now? Or perhaps just ill-timed 'cause it was 2 am? Ugh.
Also I replied again after that, but I can't bring myself to look at the sent messages in my phone and see what stupidness I might have said.
So, yeah, got friends in from out of town. Went downtown last night, which we'd otherwise never do. As we were leaving the last honky-tonk we went to some frat boy in an apricot coloured polo shirt ran his hand down my arm and said something to effect of, "Aw darlin', where are you going? Are you coming back for me?" Ew. (School is about to start so the bars were filled with frat type university guys.) Then on my way to work this morning a car with two male young financial executive types in it, pulled up next to me at a stop light and the passenger leaned out the window and said, "Hey pretty girl." Which is guess is flattering in a gross sort of way. But my problem with both of these encounters is, why these guys? I mean, I guess I know I'm cute on good days but there is no way I'm the "type" for frat boys and account exec types. I have a lot of tattoos. Very visible ones, my left arm is completely sleeved. So I can only assume that these guys take my visible "alternativeness" as a sign that I'm some sort of dirty, good-time girl. Like perhaps they've ventured out of conventional online porn sites and have been hitting Suicide Girls type sites and now mistakenly assume that girls like me are all just waiting to get down with who ever? YUCK.
