3 posts tagged “snb”

I slept poorly last night.  I  laid awake thinking, as always of things I need to get done, but it was equally blended last night with all the things I want to say to CK.  Mostly along the lines of how dare you even talk to me after how badly you made me feel; fuck you for making me feel so undervalued; how could you even just disappear like that with out even offering a lame excuse; and a little bit of I miss you which really makes me the angriest of all. Like I'm so mad at him for how he made me feel, but I'm even angrier at myself for letting myself be hurt like, for even know still wanting his attention enough that I'm hurt by the loss of it.

SNB upon seeing the comment from CK, said, "wow, that guy has BALLS."  If I was giving CK the benefit of the doubt I'd say he must have suffered a stroke or some severe memory loss to think it's okay to approach and address me casually.  Otherwise, he's clearly an arrogant bastard for even considering that he could off-handedly chat me up.  And the worst part really isn't how angry I already was, how hurt or anything, but how it makes my head bubble up with events and things from the past 7 or 8 weeks that I've been dying to talk to him about.  The entire situation from the beginning sucks.  I've barely cried over him at all and damn it, I don't want to start now.

Okay, I confess, I kind of like HMP.  I was telling my pal, Super Ninja Badass, this morning that I feel like HMP and I have reached some sort of level playing field and it ain't bad.  Like maybe it's okay to be friends who just sleep together? I mean, it's clearly better now that I don't expect anything like I did last year, but the year apart seems to have sort of smoothed his rough edges as well.

He came up to the bar last night, alone, so I stayed after my shift and has a beer with him.  We wended up going back to my place. And here's the thing, this story should end with "and had crazy, dirty sex all night," but it doesn't.  He came over, roamed around my house, picked up a bunch of my recent art works and really, genuinely complimented me on them, expressed interest in the ideas behind them and asked good questions about them.  Then we went and watched a movie in my room, so as not to disturb FF and because it was warmer in my room.  So warm in fact that we we were both shedding clothing throughout the film. And then...we went to sleep. I woke up once during this night, and again this morning with him all wrapped around me.  It was just nice.  We had a nice time talking last night.  He was suitably amused by the movie I picked, we had a nice, sort of comforting night.

Granted I still think he's sort of annoying, and was completely an insensitive jerk last year.  He's not entirely forgiven, but he's on probation now, instead of being shut out.  And presently his good qualities outweigh his bad.  I'm not sure how long that will last though.

And seriously, how easy am I? All a guy has to do is express interest in my art in a kind and honestly curious sort of way and I'm completely won over? Wow.

I'm cold.

Or my toes are anyway.  The universe got, what, three, maybe four weeks of me not complaining about the weather? I'd be less whiny about it if it weren't all grey and dreary.  Maybe.  I'm going to microwave my coffee--I know, yuck, but I usually drink it cold all spring and summer, just now, I'm so cold I need it warm--and see if I can think of anything intelligent to say.

Okay, here I am.  I've eaten my lunch (lightly dressed spinach salad and with chicken--why can't all meals be huge plates of BBQ, oh, right...) and now I'm sitting here, alternately typing and holding my warm mug of coffee in front of me and staring at the screen with an expression that I hope makes it looks like I'm thinking about work or something.  HAHAHA.  I love fall because clutching a warm mug of tea or coffee and not working while you do it is acceptable. Anyway, I am clutching the mug and thinking, just not about work.

Recently, as I was slowly starting things with CK, a friend got confused and thought I was getting involved with someone else, who we will call, um, Super Ninja Badass.  So this friend of mine, thought all the time I was spending talking to CK was actually with SNB, and she expressed concern about it, as SNB is married.  The story of that came up with some other friends last night and I find I'm still brutally offended by it.

Don't get me wrong, SNB, is probably one of the greatest guys ever.  Every woman in the world wishes she had a husband like him, or at least I do.  However he's already someone else's husband and therefore verboten.  I have a pretty strict no married guys policy.  No married guys for hookups when I'm single, certainly no dating married guys.  It is, I guess, a moral decision of sorts, though the truth is, it simply wouldn't be fair to me, or to his wife. And really, what kind of fucking emotional fuckwit dicks people around like that, and why would you want to date someone you know would cheat? Yuck.

So someone implying (and it was implied) that I was actively trying to steal SNB away from his wife (and kids!) was a slap in the face. Like do you even know me at all?  Sure I'm not exactly filled with moral turpitude, but nor am I the picture of innocence and clean living.  But for someone to think that I would do something that goes so completely against my basic nature really hurts, and not only that, it makes me wonder how much some of my friends really know me.

Amusingly, several of the last few guys I have dated have been legally married.  All separated for more than a year, and papers long since filed. So sure there's exceptions to my "no married guys" rule, if the marriage is already clearly over, it doesn't matter much anymore.  (Well, except that part where I seem to end up setting myself to get hurt, as those guys are carrying some heavy relationship baggage.  In my defense, I usually don't find out they are in that situation until after I'm involved with them, as men never seem to be completely forthcoming about such things.)

And yeah, if SNB, or someone as amazing as him came to me and said, "My wife and I are ending it, based on a mutual decision, and also I'm in love with you,"  I'd like to think that I'd act right: give it enough time for the dust to settle and slowly see if that was the direction in which my happiness lay.  But you never know.  I'm certainly not casting stones at people who get involved with others while married. Though I have no hard evidence, I believe my father was involved with my stepmother for quite a while, before he and my mom split. My parents were together for 3 years, all told. My father and stepmother have been together for nearly 34 years (counting from when my parents split).  Now, it fucked me up and destroyed my relationship with my father, but on the other hand, it seems to be lifelong love with him and my stepmother, so who am I to say you won't meet the right person after you've already committed to someone else?

Hmm, this is taking a turn I didn't intend when I started typing. Um, did I even have a point?  I think it's in there somewhere, over near "do my friends really know me" and "I'm no poster child, but I do have some values."  I think the stuff with my father snuck in because I've been thinking about that a lot lately, but that is it's own post for another day. Yeah, I should have done "ten things that I'm thankful today" or something more cheerful than this, I guess.  Maybe next time.