7 posts tagged “un”

I feel tonight like I am on the verge, the threshold, of something. I'm not sure what exactly, but something good

I am without a boyfriend and I clearly acknowledged to myself today that I don't really like that.  I just want someone to curl up in bed with.  Someone to have breakfast with.  Someone to call and and tell all about my day.  Someone who is interested, who thinks I'm clever, who thinks I am pretty.  Someone I can call when I am sad.  Someone who will share the little and the big joys in my life.  I've been looking for this person for a long time.  There have been a lot of trials, but none have yet made the finals. CK isn't ever going to be that someone.  I have no current prospects.  I am okay with that.  I am lonely.  But not painfully so.  I will make cleanly through to whatever is waiting around the corner.  It'd be nice if love is waiting.  It's okay if it isn't.

Work is dreadful.  I love the bar.  If I could support myself just working there I would totally do it.  My day job feels like my secondary making ends meet.  I currently have the possibility of promotion.  Nothing yet in stone, but it could be more money, a few more hours, a slightly more flexible schedule and much better job title and responsibilities. When this becomes a firm offer (in about ten days) I think I am going to decline. I am currently on track to seriously look for another job.It's kind of a tough place to be.  The new position is actually pretty perfect for me and I think I'd like to do it.  It's just I have issues with my current boss, and while he would no longer be my boss, he recently hired a guy that I can not stand and the two of them together are simply unbearable.  No hyperbole.  No exaggeration. I just in all seriousness want to FLEE the room whenever the two of them are talking (or just whenever new guy is around).  And while I'd have a different boss, I'd still have to work with these guys at least 25% of the time and I just don't think I could take it.  So new job lurking just around the bend.  I expect it won't be easy because of my need for flexibility and my very requirements for a job, but I'm sure something is out there.

My roommate UN is moving out. This involves some financial shuffling, though no real damage on that front.  And since she's out of town, we'll probably (voluntarily, and gladly) do most of the packing for her.  But hey, WAY less stress, less household complications, and a whole room to sew, dance, exercise, work, dream or whatever in.

What I've had for the last few months: a relationship burdened by distance/lack of physical closeness; a job that I can barely bring myself to go into; a complicated, stressful living situation.  What I have waiting for me: wide open possibilities for love, joy and finding peace with myself; any number of interesting new jobs; a rearranging and resettling of my home into a place that's a pleasure to be.

I had a nice visit with CK a week back.  It was rollercoastery, as he was all over, I ended up driving to Huntsville to bring him back a day early (but more time with him, YAY!), I had to work a lot and so on.  But he took to meet, well, basically his adopted brother and sister-in-law. Which was a little stressful for me, but he really relaxed and enjoyed himself and I really appreciate what he was trying to do (let me more into his life).  We had another long hard conversation about the long distance thing being hard and I held fast that he could break up with me because he wanted someone else, but not just because this was hard.

Since his visit he's different.  Good different.  The best I can describe it is to say that he is onboard with the good boyfriend program.  Which is excellent, because after our last talk, after I took him to the airport, I was thinking about it a lot and I realized that I am way more invested in making this work than I initially realized. I'm wary of talking love, but I am most definitely wholly committed ot making this work in way I haven't been in any of my previous relationships. However, I can't pinpoint exactly why.  I do know that at this point what I really want in a long-term relationship is someone who will continually challenge me to be better, but will also love me unconditionally no matter what I do and whether I succeed or fail.  I don't believe in life-long soulmates, or the choir of angels when you finally meet the right person.  I think you have to work at it no matter what (which is why arranged marriages often work, because the people are committed and making the best of it).  Of course, I want fireworks, romance, tenderness and hot sex. But honestly, those things haven't been so hard for me to find, it's the guy willing to stick to it through thick and thin, who is also someone I can see myself growing old with, some one who balances me by having knowledge and experience different than my own, but similar enough that we fully understand each other.  So far CK seems to be this person. I don't if it will last, if it will work out, but for now, even from a far, I feel cared for and looked after in a way I never have before.

During his visit, with no prompting from me, CK also made an effort to smooth over his previous jerkiness to FF (although he wants nothing to do with UN ever again, luckily she was out of town for his whole visit). He took me to meet his friends and family and talked more openly with me than he had previously. I have to say, when I'm with him I feel more calm and able to be completely myself than I ever have with anyone else, except maybe my first husband (and even then not until a year or two into it).  I"m pretty much totally smitten at this point.

Overall, I'm feeling positive and happy and excited about the future except for in my day job which I'll post about later, full of expletives and negativity, but it's not forever, so it's not affecting my long term joy, just the hours I'm there or worrying about it. And I guess the same is true for the UN situation, but what's going to to happen with that remains to be seen.

It's rainy and grey today in that way where there's just not enough coffee in the world to make me perk up and be cheerful.  I feel contrary and whiny.  I've been eating really well until the last couple days.  Out of town guests mean going to all the good local places.  This being the South, the good local places means lots of pork fat and butter.  Sure it tasted good but will I even be able to button my pants this week?

CK gets here tomorrow.  Or today, I guess, but with the already visiting house guest, work and all I won't see him until I get off work tomorrow.  I'm very much looking forward to the few hours I'll get with him between jobs and a little time after work.  Then Thursday UN gets back from her trip (I guess, since she hasn't called me in a week and I don't have her flight itinerary) and I have our final work event (which I guess I'll drag CK along to and suffer through introducing him to all my coworkers).  And I work the rest of the time he's here, so I'll just be squeezing in time with him.

I feel a little cheated that CK's visit was so hurriedly planned and without my input.  I'm thrilled he's coming, but he's not here for any of my regular days off and it's too short of notice for me to get extra time off (which I couldn't afford anyway).  And I'm sure he's fine, he has lots of friends here, who he'll go hang out with while I work endlessly, but I'm a little afraid that will ending up cutting into the time I do have to spend with him.  Bleh.  I don't want to be that girl.  Not ever.  But I do foresee the whole long distance thing making me jealous.  Jealous if his time, I mean, not that I don't trust him or anything like that.  Just worried about enough time being devoted to annoying, princess-y me, who needs ATTENTION.  * sigh *

I got my hair cut. I don't hate it.  I mean, it's pretty good, but it requires styling.  Minimal styling, but some nonetheless.  And so I look like crap today, as I didn't even have the 6 or minutes necessary to dry and style it after washing it this morning.  Is this relevant?  Sure, I'm miserable from the grey rainyness, (how did I survive so many years in the PNW without committing suicide? Seriously!), I'm stressed from work, full of relationship anxiety, worried about the status of my home life, additionally unglued from current and future house guests (even it is CK, still house guests mildly distress me, as you have to keep them entertained, and worry about their happiness and feed them and everything) and on top of all that?  I look yucky. Seriously, I might feel better if I looked fabulous. I even forgot to put on jewelry this morning.  I'm like no-nonsense girl over here, with heels, a skirt and a white blouse, no make-up, no jewelry, and sort of spastic hair.  Yep.

I need more coffee.  Even if there isn't enough in the world, will it help if I just keep drinking it?

I am so fucking worn down.  I've been saying that for a long time, but it never seems to stop being true. I feel like I've been on an endless two steps forward, one step back track for a very long time. Which isn't, you know, getting me very far.

When I moved out here I didn't leave anything worthwhile behind (except, of course my family).  It was a fresh start, of sorts, with three things I really needed to resolve: my romantic life, my career intentions and my interpersonal relationships with other people.  Right now I feel utterly stuck in all of these things.

Romantically, well CK is great.  More than great, but you know there's the 800 miles away thing.  And it's all well and good that I'm totally into him and he he seems to really like me, but even if it works out (however that may be) right now the other two factors are affecting this.

Work is sucktastic.  I love my restaurant job.  If I could work twice as much there and make enough money to live on I would totally do it.  It would give me time to pursue my other plans.  But that's not really a possibility at this point.  The day job is slowly sucking my soul out, as day jobs do.  For a simple, part-time office job it's taking up more and more of my time, of my creative energy, of my ability to think.  I'm assured that once our major event is over (next week) it will scale back to being simpler.  But I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, man, I know that's not the case.  I'm over qualified for this job, and too competent. They know it now and there's no way it'll ever go back to being simple clerical tasks and mindless office work. Sure I can ask for more money, sure I can threaten to leave if they don't pay me what I'm worth for the work they are going to want from me.  But all that means is more work for me, and sure more money, but what good does the money do for me if earning it takes all the time away from all the things I want to be doing?  Because I do know what I want to be doing, I just need time and money.  Honestly I could probably even find investors or something, to start the damn thing up and pay myself, but even doing that takes more planning, work and time than I have the ability to do right now.  I'm stuck here, sucked down into a never ending loop of not having enough time or money to do what I want to do.  And yeah, this affects the possibility of making things work with CK, as I need more money to maintain a long distance relationship, and also more time off for travel. Two things which seem mutually exclusive at this point.  And if I can't get the travel aspect of it together, well there's no relationship.  So work more, earn to travel, try and get time off to go try and  have a real relationship.  Where I am work-wise, right now, it feels like this is just setting myself up for failure.

Sure, I could start looking for a different job, something better paying and more flexible.  It's not impossible, I guess, but it puts me right back at starting all over again.  And I suspect, puts my plans for what I want to really be doing, not just on the back burner, but off the stove.

Interpersonal relationships? I mean, you know, having friends.  Just fucked.  I know I put way too much pressure on myself here, but I can't help it.  By my own standards I'm just really bad friend to almost everyone I love.  I know I'm hindering myself even thinking about it this way.  For years the bulk of my Zen practice has been about letting things go and I can mange it, in some aspects of my life, some of the time, but not with my friends.  I don't call people enough, I don't visit enough, I don't devote the time I feel I should to making sure people know I love them.  I'm always too tired, too busy, otherwise occupied and I don't know how to solve this.  

I know what I want, I want to be more to my friends.  I want to be the girl who is really there when they need her.  I want to make them laugh when they are hurting, to shoulder some of their burden so they can walk lighter through life.  I want to bring people joy and comfort and encourage them to realize their own dreams.  I want to do for them all of the things I wish someone would do for me.

And of course my current living situation has me financially and emotionally beholden to two other people.  My sense of responsibility to them overrides everything else, at this point, to the detriment of my own happiness. FF moving down here is great.  I'm so happy to have her around, don't get me wrong, but it does limit the choices I can make in the next year or so about my own life, because I really do have make sure she's settled and happy and able to create a new life for herself.  And it's okay, I can work with that.  I need to be here to do the things I hope to do professionally, and she can even, possibly help with that.  We're even, we need each other, it's fine.

UN however is a weight.  She's pretty much incapable, despite what she thinks, of taking care of herself.  How she became my responsibility is irrelevant at this point, it's just how it is (the irony that she encouraged me to leave a similar situation back home and then saddled me with the same shit isn't lost on me).  She's insanely needy, clearly doesn't want me to be a relationship that she feels will a) take attention from her or b) will physically take me from her (make me move, etc). She's repeatedly expressed her abandonment issues and how everyone but me has abandoned her emotionally or otherwise (this is code for: don't you leave, bitch). She's managed to be such a complete flake that while she has some financial resources, she has no way of managing them, leaving me essentially giving her an allowance, taking care of all the bills and household expenses.  She relies on me for transportation (as she can get insurance in the US until she gets a US driver's license which she seems unwilling to do). In short, she's a burden on multiple levels. And I'm not sure how this balances out. I'm sure she thinks it balances out by her being such a good friend to me.  Which she is, she really really is, when she's not being smothering, needy or outright inconsiderate.

The obvious answers here are: remove myself from the UN situation and devote some of that energy to caring for my other friends; get a better, more flexible job and/or get my own plans in order and work for myself; and make all of that fit around CK, so we can have at least some semblance of real relationship, so we can see if this really is a thing, is the thing.

And while I'm not saying any of those things are outside the realm of possibility, they are all just very, very complicated right now.

What brought on this huge out pouring of my own crap?  CK told me last night that he was worried about me, about my health, that he felt I was over extended and not likely to stop being so hard on myself or stop over-committing myself. I'm not sure, exactly if he was simply saying he was worried, or that he didn't want to add to my stress, or that I'd have to get it together to make this work, or some combination of any or all of those things. In any case, his comment caused me to stay up half the night berating myself for not being where I think I should be in life professionally, personally or romantically. And yeah, the worry and anxiety over all of it isn't helping me.

I just wish I had better idea of where to start.  Make a list of the things most important to me and meditate on how to make those things happen?  Figure out how to remove roadblocks to my own happiness and start trying to break those down? Pick the few things I think I can fix and focus on those, while ignoring the other things until something can be done about them? No, actually I've been sort of doing that last one and it isn't helping much, though it has caused me to focus a little more on being healthier, in terms of my diet and how I'm living, so that's good I guess.

I was really hoping that writing this all out would make it clearer, but really I don't feel any less overwhelmed.  Indeed, if anything I feel worse now.  I need a plan to make all my other plans work, and there's just so much other work to do, so many other things to worry about. Ack.

The last day has been a roller coaster.  Seriously.  I need a break like you wouldn't believe.  Work is killing me. Just too much stress from trying to solve problems for people who have no idea what they are doing.  Plus impending house guests.  Lots of of them.  For several days.  I love my friends.  I am glad they are coming.  I just don't do well with multiple people in my space for very long. I anticipate being a complete mess by the end of the weekend.

On top of that the Heartbreaker saga goes on.  Last night my roommate, UN, came home drunk and chatty.  Now, I call her Unreliable Narrator because she is. It's not that she lies.  I believe she believes everything she says, she just is often misinformed or misunderstands a situation and the relays it incorrectly.  She very often believes things about people that aren't true and I have no idea where she gets her information from. Like she has several times pronounced that I hate (or love) some specific food or band or something.  When I tell her that she totally wrong, or got it backwards or what ever she acts surprised and wonders why she thought that why in the first place. Thus her narrative is unreliable.  But not always, she can be very insightful and in very knowledgable about some things.  It makes it very hard to navigate conversations with her sometimes.  I love her dearly, she's generally a good friend, but often not very helpful.

So last night she launches into this whole thing about HB, telling FF "our" history with him.  Which went something like this:  We were all very good friends, UN spent a lot of time hanging out with him.  And then he was in love with me.  And he tried and tried to make something happen (??? this part was very vague) and then because I was "cold" he gave up and started dating someone else and now he doesn't come around as much anymore.  This was followed by anecdote about how she found out from a mutual friend the story of when HB's best friend committed suicide.  She tried to talk to HB about it and he was reticent. UN finished this off with a comment on how HB never talks about his feelings and so you never know what's really going on with him.

There are so many things wrong with this that I don't know where to begin.  First and foremost is that one of the main reasons I stayed away from seriously trying to pursue anything with HB was UN's insane jealousy about the whole thing, her repeated admonitions that he was not for me and her insistence that I couldn't date him because he was our friend and she didn't want that destroyed by he and I dating and potentially not working out. I had told him that I didn't want to sneak around behind her back anymore and I didn't trust her reaction enough for us to be public about what we were doing. (This, I'm guessing, is the me being "cold" part of her story? I'm not sure exactly.)

Secondly, I have no idea how much of anything she said is fact and how much is her (mostly likely incorrect) perception of the situation.  She said that she didn't want any drama in her life, although oddly every time she says this, the drama in question is always caused by her (though often unwittingly I think).

So I spent some time crying over the whole thing again.  And then stupidly send HB an email saying that we missed him and wished he'd come around more and that I felt there was a whole thing going on that I hadn't understood, or that I hadn't had necessary information at the time and that he should come hang out more.  It was vague, pathetic and ridiculous. And hour later I thought better of it and sent him a text message that said that the email was dumb that I just really needed to talk to him but wouldn't be around much until at least Sunday.  Which also was stupid.  And I've had no response to either.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do here.  Just drop it and move on?  Wait and talk to him and try and rescue our friendship?  Beat UN over the head with a shovel?  Beat my own head against a wall until I don't remember who HB is?

The whole having FF's mom staying with us thing is seriously sending me over the edge.  Yesterday UN woke up to find that FF's mom had taken everything out of our kitchen cupboards and was re-washing it, as if the washings we'd given things weren't good enough (which, actually, maybe they weren't, but that's not the point).  It's like having your mother-in-law over.  And our friends keep asking why we don't say something to her, but you know, we just can't.  For one, it won't improve the situation, it'll just make it more awkward.  For two, it'll put even more pressure on FF and she really doesn't need that right now.  I want her to be happy moving here and not upset from the get go.  And finally, UN and I were both raised in such a way that we have to show deference and respect to an older woman, particularly one from our families or a friend's family.  Sure we'll bitch about her privately, but as far as our direct interactions with her go we have to essentially give up control of the situation to her.  It really is matter of respect and UN and I are way too well conditioned to overcome it.  Bleh.

So anyway, UN and I are relegated to feeling like miscreant teenagers in our own home.  Last night our good friend, Heartbreaker, was playing a show and it was kind of a big deal, so of course we weren't going to miss it.  Now a normal night out like this would involve us a having a few drinks at our house, maybe with some friends, then either calling a cab or having someone else who wasn't drinking take us to the show.  We'd get to the show, mock the opening bands, have a another drink, then after the show we'd invite folks to come have a beer on our porch and talk about the show.  Usually we're all in bed by midnight, unless the show itself runs really late.

This is impossible to manage when there's a mom sitting on your couch watching The Closer and silently judging you for drinking (and staying up late and getting up late--the subtly pointed comments are getting old). So, UN and I are sitting on the porch, waiting for our ride, sneaking whiskey out of our purses (seriously, how am I in my 30s and still reduced to shit like this?) and generally feeling a little pushed out of our own house.  UGH.

Heartbreaker's (HB) show was great.  His roommate, Big Daddy, was late picking us up, but the show started late anyhow.  BD's new girlfriend came along.  I guess she's not so new anymore, but I still think of her as transitory in a will-be-gone-soon sort of way.  She acts way more redneck than she is (I hope she's acting anyway) and talks about fashion and such all the time, and then does things like show up last night wearing actual Daisy Dukes and red gingham top.  Yikes!  She is always good for amusement though.

HB played a couple new songs which were awesome and had a crowd of girls whistling and generally fangirling him. This is meaningful only because we found out later that he didn't know any of them so they were random girls who thought he was hot, I guess. And he is hot, really hot.  And a great songwriter, an awesome singer and someday he'll be less nervous on stage and then he'll be a superstar.

I was, however, a complete bitch to HB after the show. He's one of very few people in the world that can make me feel slighted, unintentionally, over the stupidest stuff. HB is one of my best friends. Several of my other friends have commented that they think he's in love with me, or at least has a serious crush.  I am certainly in love with him, which is why he can so easily hurt my feelings, despite the fact that we remain only friends and will probably never be anything more.

I was about to launch into the HB story here, but I find I'm hesitating because now that I'm starting to put all this down, I realize just how many guys I've had in an out of my life in the last year and a half (5 plus a couple hook-ups) and while I don't feel weird about it, it's just kind of a striking realization and I find I'm more immersed in thinking about that in a personal, philosophical way, than I am in telling the story right now.  Maybe I'll go do some of the work they are actually paying me to do while I sit here and then I'll type the HB story up this afternoon. Assuming I don't come home to some pre-assigned organizing/cleaning tasks like I have the last few days.  I would really enjoy getting to sit around a fuck off in the couple hours I have between jobs today.

The last word on CK hasn't been said yet.  The thread following email he sent after my last post was more rehashing of the fight we had and how we each feel.  It's irrelevant I guess, but I feel like I'm just waiting for closure on this so I can completely move on.  Ugh.  It's not like it was all such a big deal anyway, I have no idea why I'm letting it drag out like this.  Or clinging so tightly to the whole thing.

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I will probably continue to refer to everyone here by initials based on nicknames.  Maybe someday I'll get around to making a 'cast of characters' post.

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Speaking of characters.  I've convinced my best friend from back home to move down here and she arrived this weekend. I had one roommate, now I have two: Fiore Felice (FF) and Unreliable Narrator (UN).

So FF arrived this weekend and her mother for a few days.  Now I love her mother, but it's really hard having her here.  Her ideas about maintaining a household and mine are completely different.  And while she's polite I have a hard time not feeling overthrown in my own house.  It feels awkward and uncomfortable to even sit in my living room. Like I'm being judged and I'm not even sure I am.  But all the "busy hands are happy hands" comments make me feel like I'm not working hard enough etc, when in fact, after I've worked a 60+ hour week if I want to sit on the couch on Saturday afternoon and watch TV, I shouldn't feel guilty about it. Anyway, it's not awful, it's just really uncomfortable, like I can't even relax in my own house.

Add to that that I never, ever get enough time to myself as UN works from home and while she tries to respect my need to be completely alone and unbothered, it's clearly really hard for her and she doesn't do a very good job of it.  She's just the kind of person that needs company way more than I do.  I'm hoping the addition of FF to the household will divert UN and they can go off and socialize when I want no part of it.  It could backfire wildly and I could have more demands on my attention than before.  I'm sure that will be the case for the next few weeks, but overall I think it will work out well.